| |
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Hello, Anna.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
Hello, Doctor Balis. Thank you again for rescheduling my appointment. I guess I've been really...I got all my dates mixed up. I thought this week was the next one. I feel like I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I keep losing all track of time. I'm just stressed!
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
It wasn't a problem. So I won't see you next week, right?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
Yes. I guess. I'm pretty sure it's next week.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Well, just let me know. Now, why are you so stressed?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
You know.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Why don't you tell me anyway?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
It's Kathy. It's been real bad lately.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Bad in what way?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
It's as if Diana's death had completely unraveled her emotionally. I could see that she was very upset, and I was trying to be caring and helpful. I never expressed by amazement at how strong her reaction was to the death of a complete stranger. I was trying to be supportive.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
But?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
She's angry with me. I tried to be nice and understanding, and she lashed out at me. I'm just not as upset by her death as Kathy is. I told her that it wasn't my fault that Di died. But she was just explosive.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
What made her so upset with you?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
She was talking about how she needed someone to be there for her, to care for her, to love her. I told her that I thought Martin and I were trying to be her friends and trying to be emotionally there for her.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Hmm.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
But she accused me of doing just the opposite--I am the one who keeps her from getting close to people. She said that I was responsible for her being alone. Apparently, all this time, I wasn't a friend but someone who dangled the hope of a true friendship and closeness in front of her, but just out of reach. I teased her with a possibility of happiness. I lured her in and left her trapped--not really alone and yet utterly lonely.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
So Kathy thought...
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
That's right. By inviting her to live with us, I made her a proposition. She accepted it and has given herself to us both. But now I'm supposedly pushing her away.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Hmm.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
When she first started to talk to me like that, I just thought that she was behaving irrationally--you know, she was exhausted and badly nourished, and just emotionally wrung out from Princess Di's death. But it's been days and things are still bad. She's walking around sulking. She's still crying all the time. She's giving me these accusatory looks like all her unhappiness is due to me. I even spent three nights this week staying in my own apartment because it was just getting to be too much.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Did you try to talk to her?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
I tried. I told her that I didn't understand what she wanted from me. I said that I thought of her as a dear friend and that I didn't want to lose her friendship over some misunderstanding.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
And?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
And I also said that I never made any promises to her. I never offered her or proposed to her a relationship other than friendship.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
But you have flirted with the idea.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
Sure. But it's one thing to think and fantasize about having sex with her and Martin. It's totally different to actually...and even if the three of us did it together, it still does not mean that we would then become a couple...a threesome...you know what I mean.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
I do. But it sounds like Kathy is a lot more...
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
She's just being too much. I feel like she's pushing me. And I feel so guilty watching her sob and be such an emotional wreck.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
And what about Martin?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
He's been away. Last weekend and Monday--he flew to Boston for his mom's birthday. But he's also trying to stay out of it. It's like I'm the bad one. This is all my decision, and he would go either way.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Well, it's your decision, right? Martin already expressed his interest in having a relationship with Kathy. Now it's up to you to decide how you want to proceed.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
That's not how it really works, Doctor.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
What do you mean?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
Well, let's say I was the one who wanted Kathy to be part of my relationship with Martin, and Martin was the one who was ambivalent about it. If I really wanted Kathy as much as that, I would work harder to get her. I would pursue Martin to get him to agree to that kind of relationship. I would...I would...
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Yes?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
I would be devastated to see Kathy so upset. I would care more. I would love her. Otherwise...if I don't really care one way or the other, why would I bother at all? If I didn't care enough to want Kathy and to pursue her, I would just drop the whole thing. That would be the healthiest thing to do for all involved--no need to force Martin to make a decision, and no need to keep Kathy dangling in hopes of a possible relationship.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
So you think that this is Martin's fault for not wanting to have a relationship with Kathy badly enough?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
Well, not exactly. It's just that I don't believe in frivolous relationships--good if happens and fine if not. I think that if I care so little about the outcome, then why bother? In order to be in a relationship, I need to have very strong feelings about a person. Perhaps that's why I'm so hesitant about Kathy--I just don't know if my attraction for her rises to the level necessary for a true relationship. I don't want to make a mistake with Kathy, because I don't want her to end up with nothing and badly hurt.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
But it sounds like Kathy's already feeling hurt through your inaction and indecision.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
I know and I feel horrible about it. But is it better to get into a relationship knowing that you are ambivalent about it? That you're not sure how you really feel about the person? I think of all those times in the past when I got hurt in a relationship, it was because the man I was with just wasn't sure how much he really cared about me. Those men sensed my interest and went for it before they even thought about how they felt. I think that maybe for men it's more about having sex, at least in the beginning--I'm sort of interested and she's willing, so why not? I think that maybe Martin is like that now with Kathy. Kathy's willing and I might be, so why not? But I need real feelings. Feelings that go way beyond just friendship and feeling a little sexual attraction for Kathy.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
So you don't want to have a relationship with Kathy?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
I didn't say that. I just need to be certain that it's the right thing to do for me and for her, especially since Martin is willing to go either way.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
I think Martin's priority is to have a relationship with you. Kathy is second--if it works, it works.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
But that's what I mean. It's not fair to Kathy if Martin feels this way. In any case, Kathy went out last night.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
On a date?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
With some creep from the S&M club. I know she didn't really want to go. I think she was just trying to make me feel bad.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Did you?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
I don't want her to date just to spite me or Martin. I want her to be happy. I want her to go on a date if that's what she truly wants to do.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
I see.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
But I think her motive was to make Martin and me jealous.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Is it working?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
A little. I have to say that the idea of Kathy having sex with someone else is really unappealing to me. But...
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
If you're not willing then...
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
Yeah. I told her last night that I needed more time to figure it out for myself. If she pushes, I'll just freak and that will be the end of that. I know it's frustrating for her to wait, but I just don't have an answer yet. And I told her that I thought it was a mistake to try to manipulate me by going out with some strange man and making me worry sick waiting up for her.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
You were worried?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
I met the guy before during one of those S&M socials. The guy is a true sadist. He's into needles and piercing and...ah! My skin crawls just thinking about him. I haven't seen Kathy naked since her date--I'm worried that he might have...I can't think about that.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
I see.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
Kathy knew how I felt about this guy.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
So you think she chose him on purpose?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
I think so, because she called him, and with Diana's death, she wasn't in a mood to go out with anybody. I really don't want her to hurt herself or put herself in danger just to scare me into this relationship.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Did you tell her that?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
I hope so.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
What do you mean?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
She was crying and feeling bad and guilty for what she'd done. I suddenly realized that I was put in the role of a man in our conversation.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
A man?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
It's like our conversation would have been better cast if I was a guy. Does that make sense?
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
You were in the dominant position.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
Yes, I guess so. It's getting late, Doctor Balis. I better be getting home. I don't want Kathy to wait with dinner for me.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Kathy's making dinner tonight?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
She insisted. I was going to take her out, but...
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
I see. Okay then. I'll see you next week.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
No, no. In two weeks, remember?
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Oh, yes. Goodbye, Anna. Good luck.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Green:
|
|
Yeah, I need it. Goodbye, Doctor Balis.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
###
|
|
Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Anna Green's Communications
