Transcript of 43rd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alex Rozzi, Wednesday, April 29, 1998 at 5:00 pm.

Dr. Balis: Alex? Hello, come in.
Mr. Rozzi: Hey, Doc. Well, it's official!
Dr. Balis: Pardon me?
Mr. Rozzi: It's Luke, he's missing.
Dr. Balis: Missing?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, you heard me. And it's all my fault, too.
Dr. Balis: Why would you be responsible for his disappearance?
Mr. Rozzi: Well...uh, after he broke up with me and walked away like he did, I felt...uh,I felt like shit, I guess. I felt like total shit. And all I could say was: "His loss!" It was like it didn't really matter. But it did, you know? It mattered a lot, more than I let him know. But it was a matter of principle, you know? It was because of his closed-mindedness about what I was doing with Cami and stuff. And he was so pissed after hearing about the shoplifting--my mother's yelling and all. But...I don't know. He was all totally freaked, and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I'd just had enough. But now...what were we supposed to be talking about?
Dr. Balis: Luke. You said he was missing. What's going on?
Mr. Rozzi: That's right, I was just leading up to that. So anyway, I was pretty upset about it--the way he just ran off like that. I didn't believe he would stay gone. I figured that I would hear from him, at least over the phone, you know? But he didn't call; he didn't come by. Nothing. The next couple of nights, I couldn't really sleep or even think straight, all I could think about was Luke. So finally, he phoned. But I--being the stubborn ass that I am--didn't take his calls. Jeez, what's up with that? I didn't know what to say or how to handle things. I just knew that I would go off or something. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Anyway, Monday came and went. Then Tuesday and Wednesday, and still there were no more calls and no Luke. I was certain that it was over with him by then, I even told you so last week. But now, and especially then, I was feeling confused and rejected, like I was to blame. And, of course, I am to blame. But I didn't see things that way until...uh, until he disappeared.
Dr. Balis: Why do you think he has disappeared?
Mr. Rozzi: Because he has...Jeez! It's all my fault, too. I caused him to go off like that. I...uh, I mean...finally, I did it. I really did it this time! I totally fucked things up.
Dr. Balis: Alex, look at me. Now, take a deep breath and focus on the moment. Good. Better. Okay, so why are you blaming yourself? Take it slow, okay?
Mr. Rozzi: Okay. It's just...uh, it's fucked me all up, you know? Oh shit, here I go again.
Dr. Balis: It's okay, Alex. Here. Here are the tissues. Do you want some water?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, that would be good. Thanks. But...where were we? Sorry, I keep doing that.
Dr. Balis: Alex, are you under the influence right now?
Mr. Rozzi: Huh?
Dr. Balis: Did you smoke marijuana before you came here?
Mr. Rozzi: Uh? No! Shit. Why do you always think the worst of me? Jeez! I'm really having a rough time here, okay? I'm trying to tell you what happened, and you think I'm stoned? No, I am not stoned, dude. Okay?
Dr. Balis: All right, I'm sorry, Alex. Please, go on.
Mr. Rozzi: So last Thursday afternoon after school, Cami came over and played model for me while I tried to paint her. She and I get along great, we really like each other. It's like we have this great chemistry or something. So, she and I were getting all playful with each other, and before I know it, we were on the floor of the studio wrestling. Well, I don't know what came over me, or her, but...well, we started to get undressed. And I think if Luke hadn't come in at that moment, we might have...uh, we would have...uh, done it, you know?
Dr. Balis: You would have had sex with Cami?
Mr. Rozzi: You know, one thing I have always said about you is that you're about as sharp as a meatball sometimes. Duh, yes. We would have had sex, is that so weird? I thought so, because it was weird for me. Here I was thinking that I was going to do it with Cami. And she wanted to do it with me, too, I could see that much. At that moment, it wasn't at all like the same confusion it turned into afterward.
Dr. Balis: But Luke walked in on you.
Mr. Rozzi: Shit, yes. He did. It was so ugly, too. He came in on us, unannounced of course, and he just grabbed the easel and threw it over. And then he swiped his arm across my paints, causing them to fall all over the floor--what a mess! He started screaming at me: "Fuck you! Fuck you! I hate you! I hate you!" And he ran out of there like a storm just hit. And I was pulling my pants on trying to catch up with him, but he got to his car and sped off like a bat out of hell before I even had a chance.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: Cami and I were just blown away by this. We were kind of in a state of shock. At least I was in a state of shock, she was thunderstruck speechless. I don't know if we were more shocked over what was coming down between her and me, or if we were blown away by Luke's little display. It was all so weird. We looked at each other square in the eyes for ten minutes probably, and we didn't say a word. We didn't know what to do, so we got into her car and drove over to Luke's condo. He wasn't there. Then we went back to the house and called a few places he likes to go, but no one had seen him. There was no word until Saturday; that's when I got a call from Beylund. Remember him? He's the photographer.
Dr. Balis: I think I remember.
Mr. Rozzi: Luke was supposed to start this big job on Saturday, but he didn't show up. He never misses an appointment and is hardly ever late. So that was pretty weird. Beylund was asking me where Luke was and I didn't know. I went over to Luke's again. This time, his mail piled up and his cat was in the window going crazy, pacing back and forth and meowing because he could see me outside. My heart was totally up in my throat. I knew something wasn't right, this was so not like him.
Dr. Balis: I see. Did anyone file a police report?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, that's why Saturday was so important. Saturday afternoon they found his car parked and locked over at Baker Beach.
Dr. Balis: Who found the car? How did you find out about it?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I went back and called Beylund and told him what I saw at the condo. He told me that while I was there, the police called him and told him about the car. I guess they found Beylund's number in the car or something, I don't really know how he got involved. But anyway, I was thinking all this bizarre shit--about ax murderers, and chainsaws, and shit like that, you know? I was really scared. I still am. And now five days later, and still no word. I called his dad's house, there was no one there. I went back to Luke's place every day and there was no sign of him. At least the property manager got into his unit and was taking care of Luke's cat. And then I got the bright idea of opening his mail.
Dr. Balis: Alex...
Mr. Rozzi: Oh yes, I did it. And I'd open your mail, too, if something like this happened with you. There is a lot of important information on credit card bills and phone bills. That's how I got his sister's number in LA, but she wasn't home either. I couldn't get a hold of anyone who knew anything.
Dr. Balis: I have to say that Luke's disappearance does concern me.
Mr. Rozzi: Doctor, Luke is gone and it really is all my fault. If I hadn't been playing around with Cami in the first place, this never would have happened. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen. There's got to be a reasonable explanation. There just has to be. I don't know what I'd do if something bad happened to him. If he were here right now, I'd know what to do to make everything all right again. I'd...well, I'd just...uh, this is all just too much to deal with.
Dr. Balis: I understand how you must feel, Alex. Here, drink some more water. I don't know what happened to Luke. You said that he drove away from your studio angry. What happened between then and the time his car was found was beyond your control...
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, but if I hadn't been there naked with Cami close to having sex with her when he walked in, he wouldn't have gotten so freaked and ran off like that.
Dr. Balis: I agree. You were caught by your boyfriend trying to initiate sex with a woman. That's not good. Luke had every reason to be upset. But if he went off and tried to do something that would put him in danger or if he tried to...
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I don't have any time now to be thinking about what happened to him. I'm going to start doing my community labor now. Last Friday, we had the hearing and I was ordered to do eleven hundred and twenty hours of community labor. This works out to be one hundred and twenty hours for every dollar that stupid radio was worth. Can you believe it? That's about a penny an hour. Pretty stupid, huh? And all this came down before I knew Luke was gone. So anyway, they ordered me to work with SLUG, have you heard of them?
Dr. Balis: SLUG? Can't say I have. What is it?
Mr. Rozzi: San Francisco League of Urban Gardeners. They have these little plots all over the city. You must have seen them. There are little undeveloped lots in the middle of a neighborhood, and they are being rented out to people who want to garden in them. Usually, the lots are subdivided into small parcels, so several people can use the space at once. My job has something to do with that, I'm not sure what exactly. So that's what I'm supposed to be doing on Saturdays now for eight hours a day. The only bright spot in all this is that my time at the Alliance will count towards the total--which is very cool--but the only time I'll have for the Alliance from now on will be on weeknights. Oh, and they got rid of the ankle bracelet thing, too. See?
Dr. Balis: I think this is all very reasonable considering your crime.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, we'll see how reasonable it is. I have to be at the job site no later than eight in the morning. Next Saturday, I have to go over to Bernal Hill. That's like all the way across town. I'm going to have to leave the house by seven in the morning or something. Now, if I can get to sleep and not wake up from a nightmare the night before, I might be able to get a lot done. But...
Dr. Balis: Are you still having trouble sleeping?
Mr. Rozzi: Actually, I have no trouble falling to sleep. It's staying asleep that I'm having trouble with.
Dr. Balis: Why?
Mr. Rozzi: Nightmares. Big, and deep, and scary nightmares.
Dr. Balis: Do you remember what they are about?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, these past few nights, it has been a mixture of Luke and Benny and shit--Luke sometimes morphs into Benny, and then Benny into Joe. And once, I even remember Jimmy in there somewhere. Oh! And there has also been some stuff about Cami, too. None of it makes any sense. Well, the faces all make sense, and we both know why they're there. I'm so weirded out about what happened between Cami and me, Doc. And I bet she is too. And we've been avoiding each other as much as possible. I don't know. So much shit has come down since those two--Regina and Cami--came into my life. I'm not sure which one is worse: Regina, the dope fiend, or Cami, the whip-carrying sex kitten. Fuck! I'm so damned confused, and I wish to God that I knew where Luke was. He's got to be okay. He's just got to.
Dr. Balis: We can only hope for the best, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: We're out of time, aren't we?
Dr. Balis: I'm afraid we are. I'll see you again next week.
Mr. Rozzi: All right. Well, later, dude.
Dr. Balis: Goodbye, Alex. And please let me know if you hear something about Luke.
Mr. Rozzi: I'll try. Shit, I'm going over to church, and I'll light a candle for him. See you, man.
Dr. Balis: Take care, Alex. Call me if you need to. I'm here for you.
Arrow, Straight, Left, Earlier Arrow, Straight, Right, Later

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