July 31, 1996
Dear Dr. Balis,
First, I would like to thank you for your patience and understanding in this matter. I do want to discuss this, but I don't think I could do so openly in person without putting on some sort of facade. Thanks for working with me.
Brian is really sweet, and I do think I love him. I can understand him wanting to have sex, and I think he has been true to me--not cheating or anything. At least, I hope so. There is a part of me that wants to be intimate with him as well. But I am scared. I don't think scared is the right word, maybe anxious. Oh God, I can't believe I am writing this. I had some problems when I was younger. I got my period when I was 12 or so, like most girls do, though a bit earlier than most of my friends. A couple of years later I got sick. Really sick. So I went to the doctor, who put me on lots of medications. Next thing I know, I have this high fever, and terrible pain down there. What did I know from sexual diseases? I mean I was 14, a goodie two shoes, never had kissed a boy. Well, it turns out, from the massive doses of antibiotics, I had a yeast infection. It was awful. I was so embarrassed! I had to go to a gynecologist. I have no idea what my parents must have thought. It was so painful...and then I had to take medication for that. I couldn't sit for weeks, it seems.
From there, things just got worse. Though the yeast infection was taken care of, I had what doctors termed "an undiagnoseable chronic illness." I can't believe I am telling you this...I so much wanted to leave this in the past. I was really sick, had to go on home instruction to finish high school. Luckily, things seemed to get better and I was able to go to college. But I didn't want to be known as 'that sick kid,' so I swore I would never tell anyone about my being sick and everything. Not even Brian. I devised ways to get around my problems/symptoms. I thought, no doctor had sufficiently figured out how to treat me anyway. So I napped a lot, had a lot of help from my family...things like that. And I was getting along okay for quite some time.
But now I have been feeling sick again, like I did during my teenage years. It's almost like a terrible flu that just won't go away. Luckily, I haven't had a yeast infection in some time, but the gynecologist says I may susceptible to that kind of thing, and should discuss it with my partner before having relations. She also says I might have an immune problem, and should go for more testing. Quite honestly, I am afraid of what the testing might show...I am afraid SII might find out and then discontinue my contract. And how do I tell Brian? I can't do it. He'll leave me. The one friend I have shared this story with thought I might have AIDS and won't talk to me anymore. I've kept Brian in the dark for so long, and didn't want to have to tell him about all this. I'm so upset! I thought it might just disappear, and I would not have to deal with this crap again.
I don't know what else to say about this right now. Perhaps you will be able to give me some guidance.