Hal Mainor's Journal for the Week ending 7/21/96

July 15, 1996

So this is to record my thoughts, dreams, ambitions. A journal, right. The Doctor wants me to write down when I get the drowning feeling--that is now. I get panicky when I think of my life going down the drain. When I was a kid, I always knew that I would be famous and successful. I knew it. Now, to face the realization that it's not happening is sobering. Maybe Glen or Lindy will be famous and I can live vicariously through them--the old guy sitting in the corner while they are being awarded the Pulitzer. Well, I don't think the Committee is going to be very impressed with my stunning work on the J-9000 series.

How maudlin. It sounds so stupid when I write it down. Poor Baby Isn't Going To Be a Famous Writer! And no wonder, when I read this drivel.

July 16, 1996

Had a dream tonight. I was lying on a slab of granite or marble. It was just after sunset and I was lying in the middle of a field on top of a hill. I was looking up at this giant cloud which was floating over my head like a blimp. It just floated down and down until I could reach up and touch it. It felt like fabric, which was what I expected in my dream. The fabric was white and billowy. Soon, I couldn't see anything except for this white billowy fabric. It reminds me now of that scene in The Last Emperor with the red silk. Suddenly, I woke up.

I shouldn't confess this, but what the hell. I'm trying to figure out ways to stretch this J-9000 project as long as possible. I could probably write the damn manual in two days, if I had to. Now it has been three months, and I'm trying to stretch another month out of it. If I did it in two days, nobody would respect the work. Because it has taken four months, it must be good. It certainly was hard to write. What a worker that Mainor is!

July 18, 1996

Another dream: I'm in a car that can only go straight. I try to turn the wheel, but it doesn't turn. I approach a curve and I'm afraid I'm going to fly off the edge and go straight into this building, but the road itself flattens out its curve so that it goes straight too. It's hard to say why, but this dream was more frightening after the road went straight. It made me wake up. Cognitive dissidence?

July 19, 1996

Lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce. This word seems to be echoing through my head. Maybe it is Let Us. Let Us. Sometimes they come in groups and sometimes just one by itself. It's a male voice, but it is clearly not audible. Just inside my head. Sometimes it is menacing. I don't know what to think. Gotta ask the Doctor. Am I schizophrenic?

July 20, 1996

No more lettuce. Now just carrots. Just kidding. Today was a break. Took the kids to Marine World and we had a gas. I was a little skeptical, but it was really fun, except for the heat and the crowds--brutal. Got wet, of course, sitting in the marked "danger" seats. I was really impressed with the water skiing show. Glen says that he is going to learn how to jump on water skis. Margo said over her dead body. Margo wanted to know how they got liability insurance. You can bet I was itching to get my hands on the Killer Whale maintenance manual too. Yeah, pretty normal stuff. Guess this proves I'm not crazy, huh?

July 21, 1996

Sunday. The kids went out to friends and Margo went to Julie's wedding. She said that I was off the hook, so I stayed home. I thought I was going to do some chores, but instead I spent the afternoon watching home improvement shows on KQED. It felt almost the same as working. After watching those people do all that work, I was exhausted so I took a long nap. I think I could sleep for a week, if everyone would let me.

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