May 2, 1997
I feel bad for being such a bitch to the Doctor yesterday. But with all the shit that's been going on, it was like I couldn't help myself. I had all this built up aggression, and I had to snap at someone. Then I further embarrass myself by crying like a little girl right there in his office. PUH-LEAZZE!!! How frail. When did I become such a wimp, anyways? One guy is an asshole to me and my whole world falls apart, because I've got this exalted notion that I am prettier, tougher, smarter, better than everyone else. It's my arrogance that got me into this state. What am I really? A fairly smart young woman who's not unattractive but is too short, eyes too big, bones too sharp, tits too small, mouth too loud. Who understands the meanings of words when writing but makes an idiot of herself mispronouncing them. Who feels embarrassed about crying in one of the places it's supposed to be all right, wouldn't you think it would be all right to cry in a therapist's office? So what was the problem? Anders is a firm believer in crying shamelessly when the occasion warrants it and encouraged me to do the same when I visited him this evening, but once again I couldn't do it. I just gritted my teeth and steamed ahead like the little engine that could. What else could I do?
On the upside, Sarah and Gavin are in town now. Now I am glad that Sarah decided to keep her condo when she moved rather than selling it. I know I counseled her against it at the time but the deal now is that if I can find a roommate, she'll rent it to me at a fairly inexpensive rate. She was planning on renting it out anyway because she wants to hold onto it, but it's not paying for itself. I could get out of my studio!! YEAH! Lancelot would freak if he had all those rooms to run around in! It's just a matter of getting things together enough. Hopefully I can get everything together and get back on top of my life.
Saturday and Sunday
May 3 & 4, 1997
Okay, I'm throwing these last two days into one entry because they have been B-U-S-Y!!! To run things down, Saturday I went shopping with Sarah and Gavin because she was hellbent on getting me the perfect Graduation present and wanted me to pick it out. Then we came home (to Sarah's condo) and Sarah got dressed for the dinner she was having with Dad. Jonny came over, going out with Gavin and I to listen to this really good blues band in a smoky, beer-smelling bar. I guess Joanne was supreme pissed off queen when she found out that Dad was taking Sarah out to dinner at La Folie, one of the most elegant restaurants in the Bay Area. Jonny found it all hysterically funny. The three of us had a great time, and I think Sarah did too, because she had this big smile on her face when she came home. She is one of the few people who could ever make Dad laugh. I wish at times that I could do that.
Sunday was pretty calm. Watched baseball--let's hear it for the boys of summer! Drank beer (NOT Double Bock...damn it!) and grilled with the Family. All of the Family. Mom, her fiancé, Sarah, Gavin, Jonny, Grandma Strauss. Dad even showed up, and was at least friendly to Mom and civil to her fiancé. I was proud of him. He even hugged me--something I don't remember him doing of his own free will since I was twelve at least. Grandma looked daggers at him the whole time, until Sarah admonished her in German to be nice. Bessa and Robyn stopped by in the evening, and we watched "Amadeus" for the hundredth time. I still love that movie. Bessa said that the bartender who I made friends with asked where I was the last time they were in. I'll have to go down and visit him tomorrow.
May 5, 1997
Got to write exams today. Fun fun fun. Carmichael is impressed with how far my teaching abilities have come, and the quality of work I'm getting out of the freshman grunts. Kind of a boring day, actually. Not much going on for the earlier portion.
Or the later portion it seems. Working on exams still. Glass of wine. Duke Ellington on the stereo. Fresh pack of cigarettes by my side. Life is happy. The windows are open, cool breeze coming in. Lancelot laying there purring at me. For the first time in a long time I feel content. Completed. The only thing missing is a good solid relationship. Great, now that makes me sound co-dependent. I don't need a man, it's just not necessarily bad to have one around. Maybe I was too hard on Malcolm. Maybe shit. I wasn't hard enough. Nah, that's not true either. The inning's over. Let it go.
May 6, 1997
It's staring at me. That damned impractical obsidian fucking ring. I should have given it back when I had the chance. Now it's lookin' at me funny. That sounds like I have really gone 'round the bend. I'm going to go return it. Right now.
BTW--Note to myself. Lunch with Eliza tomorrow.
May 7, 1997
I am the world's biggest idiot. I slept with him again! What was I thinking? I wasn't, that's just it. He explained the whole wench thing away as a misunderstanding with a flip of his hand, then he just takes my hand as though it were the most natural thing in the world and holds it, like we're parked at lover's lane or some fucking thing. He was really gentle though, hesitant, like he's absolutely terrified that he'll damage me in some way. He held me all night afterwards, and I fell asleep utterly confused. Woke up to orange juice and bagels, and a white rose waiting for me. He had to go to work, but he said in the note he'd see me tonight. Then I heard the message. At first I thought it was a wrong number, but wouldn't the outgoing message on the machine tip a mother off? It was all bullshit, what he told Eliza. It has to be! I've got to ask her about that today.