Transcript of 25th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Sharon Lough, Friday, July 10, 1998 at 10:00 am.

Dr. Balis: Hello, Sharon.
Ms. Lough: Hi.
Dr. Balis: How are you?
Ms. Lough: I'm preoccupied. I took a blood test on Wednesday. I'm trying not to worry myself into a frenzy about the results.
Dr. Balis: I'm glad you got tested.
Ms. Lough: When Tony came by to see me, I told him about my appointment and asked if he'd ever been tested. There was a long silence, and he got this look on his face. Tony said he'd been meaning to tell me but kept putting it off. He wasn't sure why he kept it a secret from me; all his other friends knew. I told Tony it was his friend's remark that tipped me off. I wished I hadn't said anything.
Dr. Balis: You were justified in asking him, even if it did make him uncomfortable.
Ms. Lough: Remember the news story about that young drug dealer on the East Coast? This was several months ago. They were calling him a modern-day typhoid Mary; he infected dozens of young girls with HIV. Worst of all, he knew he was doing it--he admitted to the police that he kept a scorecard in his head like it was a game. I thought he was a truly evil person.
Dr. Balis: I think I do remember reading about that. How do you feel about Tony now, knowing that he withheld his HIV status from you?
Ms. Lough: At first, I was furious with him and with myself. Then I realized Tony wasn't acting out of malice. I think our relationship was a way of escape for him; with me, he could get high, play, and pretend that nothing was wrong. That's probably why he spent so much time with me--it was a form of denial. It makes sense, in a twisted sort of way.
Dr. Balis: Are you going to continue having Tony as a sexual partner?
Ms. Lough: I'm not going to reject him just because he's HIV-positive. Tony was really down after I told him. He'd been in a fight with Sick Fuck--the one who tipped me off. Tony looked so miserable with his chipped tooth and bruised face. I decided the least I could do was cheer him up.
Dr. Balis: What do you mean by that?
Ms. Lough: Tony was going to sell some of my things for me--he works at that leather store. I've got some relics from my past life that I'd like to get rid of. Tony said that if they were in good condition, I could get a fair price for them. The disability checks aren't very much. I have all this free time and no pocket money. That's why Tony came by--to take a look.
Dr. Balis: I see.
Ms. Lough: So he came over and we took bong hits until we were both baked. Tony brought a big Nordstrom's shopping bag with him. He opened it up and inside was a leather corset. It was really quite beautiful in a black minimalist way. I liked the simple lines and the lacing at the back. The corset was surprisingly heavy; it felt important, like an artifact or something.
Dr. Balis: Hmm. I thought you were interested in getting rid of some stuff...
Ms. Lough: Well, Tony cajoled and teased, and he finally got me to try it on. He had to help me get into it and lace up the back. Even though we'd been intimate before, I felt embarrassed standing in front of him wearing nothing but the corset and a cast. It was an under-the-bust corset, so I was almost naked except for the expanse of leather cinching my waist. He tight-laced the back, pulling it closed. It gave me a little head rush. I'd heard about corset fetishists enjoying that sensation, but it always sounded very nonerotic to me--like being squeezed by a boa constrictor. I was surprised that I found it arousing.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Ms. Lough: Tony sat on the bed and looked up at me and said I was stunning--he'd always wanted to see me like that. He ran his hand along the inside of my thigh.
Dr. Balis: Sharon...
Ms. Lough: I slapped him and told him he hadn't been given permission to touch me.
Dr. Balis: You did?
Ms. Lough: Then I grabbed a handful of his hair, pulled his head back, and told him that I wanted him naked on his knees on the floor. When he smiled at me, I knew that was what he wanted all along. I slapped him again--harder this time--and said, "Now!"
Dr. Balis: Have you and Tony done this sort of role-playing before?
Ms. Lough: No, but I knew he wanted it.
Dr. Balis: Did you also want it or were you just doing it for Tony's benefit?
Ms. Lough: I don't know. Yeah, maybe I did. While he undressed, I dug through the box of stuff that I was planning to sell and found the harness.
Dr. Balis: A harness?
Ms. Lough: A strap-on. It's a leather thong designed to hold a dildo.
Dr. Balis: Hmm. Did you take precautions?
Ms. Lough: Yes, I knew what I was doing. I've done this before. As I secured the strap-on in place, Tony looked to see what I was doing. I reprimanded him and told him to turn around and face the bed. He did as he was told. I spanked him again, and he inched his knees apart. I kicked the inside of his legs apart until there was nearly a foot between them.
Dr. Balis: Did Tony...
Ms. Lough: I could tell he was aroused--men have a hard time hiding that fact when they're naked. I was turned on, too. I could feel myself getting wet, I could even smell it.
Dr. Balis: Sharon, it sounds like you were about to get a lot more intimate with an HIV-positive man. Were you prepared? Did you think of the consequences?
Ms. Lough: Yeah, I've got everything I needed. Don't worry, Doctor. So once I had Tony over the bed, I secured his wrists together in front of him with the leather restraints. I put a pillow on the bed, pushed his face into it, and told him to hold that position and keep quiet. I reddened his bottom with my hand until he moaned and squirmed.
Dr. Balis: Sharon...
Ms. Lough: Then I stroked him, teasing him with my hand while pressing my tits against his back.
Dr. Balis: Sharon...
Ms. Lough: It was exciting! I could hardly believe what I was doing. I remembered all the things that were done to me--what those sensations were like. I was surprised I had such confidence; I knew exactly what to do. I remembered how much I loved the smell of leather. I took a leather flogger, pulled him back by his hair, and trailed the falls of the whip across his face--I wanted Tony to smell it, too. I pushed him down into the pillow and trailed the ends of the whip over his ass and across his back. I could tell by the way his legs and back muscles tightened that his anticipation was building.
Dr. Balis: I see. But...
Ms. Lough: I whipped him on the ass and back, starting slowly and building up gradually, harder and harder, until he brought his knees together. His shoulder blades and back were deep red.
Dr. Balis: You didn't break skin, did you?
Ms. Lough: No, certainly not. I paused to press my nipples against his back and give him a few teasing strokes with my hand. He was breathing hard, and I could feel his pulse racing. I told him to hold still, that I would be right back. When he nodded, I gave him a spank and said, "What?" And he replied, "Yes, Mistress."
Dr. Balis: Was this the first time you've been in the dominant position?
Ms. Lough: I guess. I did some of these actions before, but only on the orders of my master. This time...
Dr. Balis: How did it make you feel?
Ms. Lough: I felt this ringing, buzzing sensation in my head. It was kind of like having too many margaritas. I was very aroused. My heart was pounding, but I felt completely calm. I also felt powerless, in a way. I couldn't stop what was happening.
Dr. Balis: Hmm. Did you...
Ms. Lough: I took a bottle of lubricant and put it on the bed, next to him, so he could see it.
Dr. Balis: Sharon, I appreciate the detailed account, but I want to know if you used...
Ms. Lough: I told him to turn around on his knees and face me. I stepped forward and told him to suck it.
Dr. Balis: Sharon, you're not answering my question. Did you use any precautions at this time?
Ms. Lough: I made him work; I pushed it into his throat, until he started choking.
Dr. Balis: Choking? Did you know...
Ms. Lough: Yes, of course I knew what I was doing. It wasn't my first time, Doctor. I've been on the receiving end of forced deep-throating lots of times, and I'm still here. And it didn't last very long. I took it out when he started gagging. I just did it to make him feel powerless.
Dr. Balis: Like you feel when it's done to you?
Ms. Lough: Yes. I wasn't going to suffocate him. Then I told him I wanted him over the bed; Tony wanted it, too.
Dr. Balis: Are you sure? Did you always want what your master told you to do?
Ms. Lough: Tony assumed the position right away. I lubricated the dildo and...
Dr. Balis: Did you take precautions, Sharon?
Ms. Lough: You're ruining my story, Doctor.
Dr. Balis: Sorry. But...
Ms. Lough: And I eased into him. As he relaxed, I pushed in slowly until I was completely inside him.
Dr. Balis: Sharon, did you take precautions? Sharon?
Ms. Lough: Huh? I didn't think we needed to.
Dr. Balis: I'm not sure what the protocol is for this type of activity, but I think you're taking too many risks.
Ms. Lough: I was careful. I used a generous amount of lubricant on both him and myself to decrease the possibility of rents and tears.
Dr. Balis: Sometimes...
Ms. Lough: I was very careful, Doctor. And why are you so keen on reducing everything to such sterile terms: "Did you use precautions? Did you gag him safely? How much lubricant did you use?" Why don't you relax and enjoy it, Doctor? I did. And so did Tony. I brought him close a few times with my hand while the dildo was still inside of him. When I withdrew my hand, he begged me to touch him. He moaned loudly, his body tensed, and then he went limp. That was it. Happy now?
Dr. Balis: How did you feel afterwards?
Ms. Lough: Weak and lightheaded. I had to sit down, my mind was reeling. Tony turned toward me and I held him for a long time and stroked his hair. I felt this wave of emotions; I wanted to cry.
Dr. Balis: Why?
Ms. Lough: It was weird. I was so out of it, like my soul had left my body or something. Tony, on the other hand, was completely blissful. He nuzzled me like a baby. I wanted him to put his arms around me; and it took me a while to realize he was still in the restraints. I unbuckled them, and as I looked down we were both covered...well, you know.
Dr. Balis: Hmm. Did Tony...
Ms. Lough: Reciprocate? Make up your mind, Doctor, do you want details or not?
Dr. Balis: Sharon, I...
Ms. Lough: What is it then--just professional curiosity? Well actually, Doctor, I'll have to disappoint you--I didn't want Tony to reciprocate.
Dr. Balis: I see. Why not?
Ms. Lough: It's not what I wanted at that moment, maybe next time...
Dr. Balis: Hmm. Did you clean yourselves up immediately afterwards?
Ms. Lough: I didn't want to ruin the moment. It was kind of nice to languish while covered in come after sex. We did clean up eventually.
Dr. Balis: Did you use a disinfectant? Rubbing alcohol, perhaps...
Ms. Lough: Jesus Christ! What do you want me to do, treat Tony like he's the Toxic Avenger? Something tells me you're a real smooth operator in the bedroom, Doctor. I'll bet you drive the chicks wild with your latex gloves and disinfectant spray. We used soap and water, both known as effective against HIV and a host of other germs and viruses. I didn't have time to scrub him down with Lysol, I had to get him out of the house in a hurry--I didn't want Rob to walk in on us.
Dr. Balis: I'm dismayed by your cavalier attitude towards safe sex, Sharon, especially when you have a partner who is HIV-positive. From what you just described, you came in contact with his body fluids. HIV can be transmitted through semen. You may not have had conventional intercourse, but an open sore--even a paper cut--can...
Ms. Lough: Should I have worn a protective suit, like those dancers in the Intel commercials? Those ads make me ashamed to admit I'm a PC-user. I should have bought a Mac instead; at least their advertising doesn't insult your intelligence.
Dr. Balis: I just want you to be careful.
Ms. Lough: Tony, the dildo, and I were all washed with anti-bacterial soap. I don't think that what we did posed a big hazard. You take a risk when you have sex even if you do take precautions. Condoms break, people lie. Sex is supposed to be spontaneous and a little scary; that's part of its appeal.
Dr. Balis: That's a very self-destructive attitude.
Ms. Lough: One of the things that drove me crazy about the S&M community was that people were constantly harping about safe sex and safe S&M. The people who preached the loudest didn't do half the things they recommended. I know all about safe sex, Doctor. I've heard all the lectures.
Dr. Balis: I don't want you to put yourself at risk.
Ms. Lough: I guess I should have put a condom on the dildo. If it will make you feel better, I'll soak my little silicone friend in a bucket of disinfectant, okay?
Dr. Balis: Actually, I'm not sure what would be safe for the scene you described. Putting a condom on the dildo doesn't sound like it's going to make it all that much safer. Maybe you could use one of those vaginal shields. That might make more sense. And cut out anything with a whip that might cut into the skin and flail blood around.
Ms. Lough: Great.
Dr. Balis: All right, Sharon, I'll drop it for now. But in the future, I'd like you to be more vigilant about using protective barriers. You can buy rubbing alcohol at almost any store; it may not be romantic, but it's cheap and effective. It's always good to take a few moments to make sure you're exercising all possible precautions.
Ms. Lough: Okay, okay.
Dr. Balis: Tell me more about how this made you feel.
Ms. Lough: Well, while I was doing it, I could almost feel what Tony was feeling. I was experiencing his sensations that the right word?
Dr. Balis: Yes, it is. You said you've dominated other men before at their request. Did you enjoy those experiences?
Ms. Lough: Not really. I did what they wanted me to do to appease them. It was more like a friendly gesture. I didn't get off on it like I did this time.
Dr. Balis: Well, judging by the way you described your encounter with Tony, it seems that you enjoyed it.
Ms. Lough: Yeah. I haven't felt a rush that intense in years. I forgot all about my injuries. My wrist isn't completely healed yet. But while I was swinging the whip, I didn't feel even a twinge of pain. It didn't start to hurt until later that night. It's really killing me now. My feet and legs ache, too. I must have been standing for awhile without leaning against anything.
Dr. Balis: Hmm. Do you regret what you did?
Ms. Lough: I'm still surprised. But no, I don't regret it.
Dr. Balis: How about Tony?
Ms. Lough: He's practically doing cartwheels. He can't wait to see me again. I'm feeling some performance anxiety.
Dr. Balis: What do you mean?
Ms. Lough: I'll have to keep coming up with more elaborate scenarios to keep him interested. He's not just my buddy anymore. I feel like now I have to impress him.
Dr. Balis: And how does that make you feel?
Ms. Lough: I don't know, it was kind of fun. I really liked the fact that I could control and manipulate him. I even enjoyed inflicting pain, watching him flinch when I whipped him. I thought Tony would think that what we did was pretty tame. He's played with men before, and they're known for roughness.
Dr. Balis: How do you feel about the prospect of doing this again?
Ms. Lough: I'm ambivalent. I thought I wasn't going to do this again. It makes me think of that Eagle's song, "Hotel California"--"You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."
Dr. Balis: What do you mean?
Ms. Lough: Once you taint yourself with this knowledge, once you acknowledge your dark side, it will always be a part of you. You can suppress it, but it's never completely dormant.
Dr. Balis: Hmm. When will you be getting your test results?
Ms. Lough: The Wednesday after next, the fifteenth. I wish you hadn't brought it up. Now I won't be able to get it out of my mind again.
Dr. Balis: HIV is frightening, Sharon. It's a serious condition. That's why I emphasize...
Ms. Lough: Yeah, I know. Safe sex, safe sex. Rah, rah, rah.
Dr. Balis: All right. Enough lectures for now, it's very late.
Ms. Lough: Yeah. Thanks, Doctor. See you next week.
Dr. Balis: Goodbye, Sharon.
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