Transcript of 36th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Sharon Lough, Friday, October 16, 1998 at 10:00 am.

Dr. Balis: Hello, Sharon. Come in. How was your week?
Ms. Lough: It was...hmm, I guess it was interesting. I ran into Lila again.
Dr. Balis: In your class?
Ms. Lough: No, actually, I cut a class to avoid her. I met with Doris later to get the assignments.
Dr. Balis: I see. So how did you happen to bump into Lila?
Ms. Lough: It's that horrible tutoring program. Lila is an ESL student, and her Tofu test score wasn't very good. I'm not sure why that matters, because she's a music major. I'll bet her parents are pushing her; they want a well-rounded overachiever for a daughter.
Dr. Balis: Lila is Japanese, right?
Ms. Lough: Yeah, I thought she was born in the states, but it turns out she's an "Iisei"--a first generation immigrant like me. Or is it "Nisei?" I always forget. I'm not sure if I can be Iisei or Nisei, because I'm just a half-breed, and I don't really count anyway.
Dr. Balis: Did you notice Lila's English was limited before?
Ms. Lough: It's hard to tell, she doesn't say much. She has a slight accent, but that's not so unusual when you live in a non-English speaking household. I wonder if she spent most of her school years practicing or learning music theory instead of taking regular courses. Lila's mother called me over the weekend. She said she got my number from the school and asked if I would tutor her daughter. I didn't realize who it was--Lila's mother sounded like a nice Japanese lady with a pronounced accent. She seemed very eager to have me; she said that it was difficult to find a decent tutor on short notice, and that I had been well-recommended. Go figure.
Dr. Balis: When did you realize you were going to be tutoring Lila?
Ms. Lough: When I got the address. Lila's mom wanted me to go to their house--typical rich bitch. She couldn't have Lila meet me halfway at a library. Lila looked surprised when she opened the door. She was just as rude as ever. She didn't even offer me a glass of water or ask me to sit down.
Dr. Balis: How did that make you feel?
Ms. Lough: I wasn't sure if it was deliberate, but I sensed that it was. It bugged me a lot. Japanese parents usually beat good manners into their children, especially girls. But then again, Lila's mom was snotty when I first saw her. Maybe they thought I was beneath them, like a servant.
Dr. Balis: Were Lila's parents home when you came over?
Ms. Lough: No, she was all by herself. Their house looked like a place where no one really lives. They had white carpeting and white furniture. Everything looked pristine and untouched. Lila didn't even invite me in, she just stood there with a blank look on her face. I suggested that we sit at the kitchen counter, and she followed me.
Dr. Balis: So were you supposed to help her with her homework?
Ms. Lough: I tried to. I went over some Tofu test practice drills. I may as well have been singing in Arabic, she barely responded. I moved on to the material for her English class. Lila's mother had told me she was several weeks behind. I also knew Lila hadn't turned in any assignments in Doris' class.
Dr. Balis: I see.
Ms. Lough: I asked Lila what she had read so far, and she shrugged. I couldn't figure out if she was feeling shy and self-conscious about our previous encounter, or if she was giving me the cold shoulder. I tried being nice, being an understanding tutor. I even excused myself to the bathroom to do that deep-breathing/visualizing thing.
Dr. Balis: I'm glad to hear that, Sharon. Were you getting angry?
Ms. Lough: Yeah. After about twenty minutes of her shrugs and "I don't knows," I was ready to slap her. I tried to cool down--that's when I went to the bathroom. When I got back, I tried different techniques. Some ESL students like to read aloud, so I can help them with words and idiomatic expressions. But that didn't work with Lila--she wasn't even willing to try. It's the Tofu rejects who don't even try that piss me off the most. I hate it when they want me to spoon-feed the answers and do the work for them. I don't know why I even bother; most of them don't care.
Dr. Balis: How did you react to Lila's indifferent response?
Ms. Lough: I told Lila I couldn't help her if she didn't meet me halfway. She didn't say anything at first, then she touched my arm and asked coyly, "Can we do something else?"
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Ms. Lough: I was furious. She'd wasted enough time already. My first impulse was to walk out. Maybe I should have.
Dr. Balis: What did you do?
Ms. Lough: I had a sudden inspiration, a way to motivate her. I asked her to sit on my lap, and she did. I put my arms around her and made out with her a little. She still wouldn't kiss me; I wondered if I had bad breath. I took off her shirt. She balked at removing her jeans, so I pinched her nipples and bottom. She seemed to like that--she got up and took off her jeans, making a big show out of wiggling out of them.
Dr. Balis: Hmm. Sharon...
Ms. Lough: When she climbed naked into my lap again, I teased her with my hand, the way she liked. While I rubbed her, I said that I had ways of making her study. She said, "You can't make me," and I had to rise to the challenge.
Dr. Balis: Sharon! You were her tutor. That was completely inappropriate...
Ms. Lough: I taunted her with slaps and titty-twisters, and got her to squeal a few times. Then I made her read from her text while I rubbed her clit. When she slowed down or stumbled over a word, I would stop.
Dr. Balis: Sharon, what you did was very inappropriate.
Ms. Lough: Yeah. I let her continue reading. When she stopped or stumbled, I hit the back of her head with my hand, lightly at first, then harder. When my hand started to hurt, I pushed her off my lap and told her to keep reading. I got a wooden spoon from the kitchen and used that instead.
Dr. Balis: Sharon!
Ms. Lough: After a few good whacks, she was crying. I ordered her to read while she sobbed, I made her answer the questions at the end of the section.
Dr. Balis: Sharon! What were you thinking...
Ms. Lough: I had a strange feeling as this was happening. I felt detached and empty. I was also excited, but not really sexually--it was more the feeling of getting away with doing something bad, like stealing a piece of candy.
Dr. Balis: I can't believe you did this, Sharon. Aside from the fact that this was outrageously wrong, do you realize what can happen to you if Lila tells her mother?
Ms. Lough: I know she won't. I had a Japanese mother, too; this is not the sort of thing you tell them. At one point, she did threaten to tell on me. I bluffed, I said her mother had given me permission to hit her and if she ran crying to mommy, she was going to get it from one or both of her parents. She shut up after that. Besides, I don't think her mother would have minded too much. Japanese families believe in corporal punishment. I'm sure Lila got worse from her parents, particularly since she was a music student--they get the shit beaten out of them; that's how they learn to play so well.
Dr. Balis: This doesn't excuse what you did. What you did was abuse, Sharon. Lila may have been insensitive and rude to you, but that it no way justifies non consensual S&M play as a form of revenge. And during a tutoring session...
Ms. Lough: She gave her consent when she sat on my lap.
Dr. Balis: That hardly constitutes consent to being beaten. As I recall, you had some unsavory experiences in the S&M Community, where you felt pressured into doing things you didn't want. Have you forgotten that?
Ms. Lough: No, but it comes with the territory. If you don't want to get hit by a car, don't play in the street. If Lila's going to play mind games, she's going to get fucked over in return. A man would not have been as understanding and compassionate as I was.
Dr. Balis: Do you consider what you did understanding and compassionate?
Ms. Lough: Submissives and masochists can take more pain when they're sexually aroused. That's the way it is for me. I made sure she was sexually excited before I hit her. Besides, I stopped after she cried a little.
Dr. Balis: I hope for your sake Lila doesn't tell her parents or a school official. You could face criminal charges for this, Sharon. And that's in addition to the ones you're already facing for drug manufacturing.
Ms. Lough: She won't say anything. She's learned to keep it all inside, just like me. We're cut from similar cloth. I think it was therapeutic for me.
Dr. Balis: Therapeutic? How so?
Ms. Lough: While I was watching her sitting there, sobbing, I thought this is what parents must feel like when they beat their kids. I felt powerful and angry. And at the same time it made me cringe--I knew how frightened and humiliated she was. It made me think of the way my mother and her friends used to compare notes on whether to use a paddle, a shoe, or a belt. They used to have these bragging sessions about whose discipline was harsher and more frequent. I've long suspected that parents who use corporal punishment enjoy inflicting it on some level. They probably have latent S&M tendencies that they don't realize.
Dr. Balis: You had that epiphany at Lila's expense?
Ms. Lough: Fuck her. If that little shit hadn't disrespected me, I wouldn't have done it.
Dr. Balis: That's no excuse. Lila is a teenager, in many ways still a child.
Ms. Lough: She's old enough to want sex and to manipulate people to get it.
Dr. Balis: Do you regret what you did?
Ms. Lough: It turned me on, and turned my stomach at the same time. It was actually kind of...hmm, empowering? I felt like it completed me somehow, like the cycle of abuse had come full circle.
Dr. Balis: You feel absolutely no remorse? You don't feel for Lila as the victim?
Ms. Lough: I think I might have opened a new window into her sexual psyche.
Dr. Balis: Or caused a serious trauma.
Ms. Lough: Yeah, she'll be on your couch in a year or two. Do I get a kickback?
Dr. Balis: That's not funny, Sharon.
Ms. Lough: You're taking this too seriously. Do you want to hear how it ends?
Dr. Balis: I have a feeling I'm going to.
Ms. Lough: After she finished the chapter, I marched her upstairs to her bedroom. I took belts from her closet and used them to tie her spread-eagled to the bed. I was going to sit on her face and make her lick me until I got off, but I wasn't really into it. I watched her cry for a while, then I left.
Dr. Balis: You left her tied to the bed?
Ms. Lough: I loosened the belt around her right wrist, so she could release it herself if she tried hard enough.
Dr. Balis: Sharon! Her parents could have found her in that condition...
Ms. Lough: Then they won't ask me to tutor their daughter anymore.
Dr. Balis: No, they will press assault charges instead.
Ms. Lough: I don't think Lila will tell anyone. And she won't fuck with me again, either.
Dr. Balis: You took an enormous risk, Sharon. And...
Ms. Lough: It was worth it just to see her squirm.
Dr. Balis: Did you enjoy what you did?
Ms. Lough: Yes, it gave me a certain sick satisfaction, especially after the way she treated me.
Dr. Balis: I hope you're not planning on doing this again.
Ms. Lough: Not right away. I'm savoring the afterglow. I felt a kind of a mix of shock, remorse, and excitement for a few days afterward. I even got off on the fear of getting caught. It was interesting telling you about it and bringing up those feelings all over again.
Dr. Balis: Hmm. I don't know what to say, Sharon. What you did was very wrong. It was emotionally damaging to you and to Lila. And it's criminal. Perhaps you won't get caught this time, but next time...
Ms. Lough: Yeah, okay.
Dr. Balis: It was not okay, Sharon. And the fact that you enjoyed...
Ms. Lough: Look, it's enough. I think I'm really clear now on how you feel.
Dr. Balis: Well...
Ms. Lough: I'll try not to sexually molest any more underage girls before our next session. How's that?
Dr. Balis: All right, Sharon. I'll see you next week.
Ms. Lough: Yeah.
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