Transcript of 3rd Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Sarah Wright, Monday, September 30, 1996 at 2 pm.

Dr. Balis: Good afternoon Sarah. Please come in.
Ms. Wright: Thank you. I hope you won't mind if I take off my shoes...
Dr. Balis: No, I don't mind. Make yourself comfortable. How have you been feeling this week?
Ms. Wright: Not too bad I guess. I did have several crying spells though.
Dr. Balis: What made you cry?
Ms. Wright: Nothing. Everything. It's hard to tell the difference anymore. I'm really scared that I'm losing my mind! I'll be fine one minute and the next I'm laying on the floor curled up, crying like a baby. I have no warning, no time to prepare.
Dr. Balis: What's going through your mind when you have these crying spells?
Ms. Wright: Pain.
Dr. Balis: Do you mean physical pain?
Ms. Wright: No not like that. It's deep, a place that's hard to reach. It's difficult to explain. It's more like a my soul.
Dr. Balis: I see. How long do these spells usually last?
Ms. Wright: Sometimes a few minutes, sometimes a few hours. It's very frustrating and it's getting harder to hide these episodes from Jeff.
Dr. Balis: You still feel the need to hide your fears from your husband?
Ms. Wright: Yes. No. I don't know. I'm really confused. When I look at him, I see the worry in his eyes. He's scared too although he won't admit it. He's trying hard to be strong for both of us and I just don't want to put anymore pressure on him. I need one of us to stay sane so I just try to keep the really nasty things from him. I know how hurt he would be if he knew some of the things that I was thinking.
Dr. Balis: Like what?
Ms. Wright: Lately it's mostly about Robby. How much of a jerk he wonderful he is. How much I hate much I love him.
Dr. Balis: So you're still in love with Robby?
Ms. Wright: No, I wouldn't say I was "in love" with Robby. I love him, he is Melissa's father, but I hate him too much to actually be in love with him.
Dr. Balis: Why do you hate him so much?
Ms. Wright: For the lies; for making me love him when he knew he was gay. Why would a man do that? Why would a man purposely encourage a woman to fall in love with him when he knew he was gay? I just don't understand!
Dr. Balis: Could it be that Robby was confused about his sexuality?
Ms. Wright: Confused? What was there to be confused about? He liked men. End of story.
Dr. Balis: It's not that simple, Sarah. Sometimes people struggle with their sexuality their whole life.
Ms. Wright: Well I don't believe Robby was confused. He is a master of manipulation. He played with my emotions, treated me like dog, sucked every last breath out of me, then left me for dead!
Dr. Balis: Those are pretty strong emotions, Sarah.
Ms. Wright: Yeah so?
Dr. Balis: I'm a little concerned that you haven't put this part of your past behind you like you thought you had.
Ms. Wright: You're probably right, but you have to understand the course of events I went through to get to the point I'm at right now. For the first few years that Jeff and I were married, I refused to deal with Robby at all. Robby just didn't exist for me. Jeff was my husband, the father of my children, I didn't have a life before I married Jeff. I didn't have a past. My life began when I married Jeff.
Dr. Balis: This seems like a good example of how you suppress stressful situations in your life.
Ms. Wright: Yes I suppose so, but it got me through. Otherwise I might not have made it this long.
Dr. Balis: What do you mean?
Ms. Wright: If I had let myself dwell on all the negative, I probably would have killed myself by now.
Dr. Balis: I see. Do you have thoughts of suicide now?
Ms. Wright: No not really. I'm afraid to die. I wouldn't have the nerve to do it now. Maybe if I could just lay down and go to sleep and never wake up--peaceful death would be nice, but I don't think I could do it to myself.
Dr. Balis: I'm glad to hear that. You know that I'm available anytime that you're in crisis.
Ms. Wright: I appreciate that Dr. Balis, but I don't think you have to worry about that.
Dr. Balis: Good. Do you feel like talking about your relationship with Jeff?
Ms. Wright: I suppose so. What do you want to know?
Dr. Balis: Last week you stated that you had a stable relationship with your husband until Robby came back to town. Tell me more about your marriage to Jeff.
Ms. Wright: Well, when Jeff asked me to marry him I thought he was just being nice. Kind of doing me a favor, I guess. I appreciated it a lot. I was so scared and Jeff made me feel safe. What I didn't realize at the time was that Jeff really did love me. When he said our wedding vows, he really meant it.
Dr. Balis: Didn't you take your vows seriously?
Ms. Wright: I couldn't even tell you what our vows were so it's hard to say whether I took them seriously or not. As we were standing in front of the minister, I was trying to listen to what he was saying. He was talking about love and honor and a bunch of other crap. That's when he lost my attention. I knew then I was making a huge mistake but I couldn't move. I felt paralyzed from the brain down. Numb. I guess I said "I do" because it was all over with and there Jeff was staring down at me with these puppy dog eyes. He wanted to kiss me. We'd never kissed before and my first reaction was to push him away but I just stood there and let him kiss me. I stayed numb like that for the next 12 years. Feeling numb was better than feeling the pain.
Dr. Balis: But Jeff has been a good husband?
Ms. Wright: Oh yes, Jeff is a wonderful husband and a wonderful father. That's why it's been so hard having Robby back in my life. I don't want to hurt Jeff. He's always been there for me, sheltered and protected me. Made me feel safe and secure.
Dr. Balis: But you don't love Jeff?
Ms. Wright: No. I never have. I respect him, I care for him, I'm proud of him, I would do anything in the world for him...but no, I don't love him.
Dr. Balis: Does Jeff know how you feel?
Ms. Wright: I certainly hope not. I've made a life for him, my children, and myself based on these feelings. I don't want Jeff to know how much I've cheated him out of a real wife.
Dr. Balis: Don't you think that's unfair?
Ms. Wright: No not really. It takes very little to make Jeff happy. His happiness comes from making me happy. At least that's what he says.
Dr. Balis: You sound as though you don't believe that.
Ms. Wright: I think Jeff believes it. But no. I don't think anyone's happiness should come from someone else. I think everyone should make their own happiness and not rely on other people to make them happy. That's a big burden to put on someone--make me happy.
Dr. Balis: Do you think you make Jeff happy?
Ms. Wright: Yes. I'm very good at playing this role.
Dr. Balis: You feel as if you're playing a role?
Ms. Wright: Of course it's a role. I have a script, I act it out, everyone's happy.
Dr. Balis: What about your happiness? What makes you happy?
Ms. Wright: It doesn't matter what makes me happy.
Dr. Balis: Why do you say that?
Ms. Wright: Because it's a fact. Right now, I'm paying the price for mistakes I made long ago. When I'm finished paying, I'll go on to the next stage of my life.
Dr. Balis: Exactly what mistakes are you paying for?
Ms. Wright: Haven't you heard what I've been saying? I married a man I didn't love, bore a child that wasn't his and ask him to raise it. Don't you think that's a horrible thing to do to someone?
Dr. Balis: If you've made Jeff happy, do you really think that you're blameworthy?
Ms. Wright: It's a false happiness. But I suppose that's better than no happiness at all. I've been playing this game for many years. I've gotten really good at it. Sometimes I even fool myself. Sometimes I can convinced myself that Jeff is the love of my life. Is that good or what?
Dr. Balis: It sounds dangerous to me.
Ms. Wright: I suppose some would think that it was dangerous but this is my life. This is all I know.
Dr. Balis: Okay, then tell me about the woman who plays the role of Sarah.
Ms. Wright: She doesn't exist any more.
Dr. Balis: Then who is this person I'm speaking to?
Ms. Wright: Oh, Sarah's soul is still here. Somewhere. When I first started working for Robby, the real me came back. That's when I had to start playing a double role. Sarah--the soft-spoken, non-opinionated wife and nurturing mother. Then there was the Sarah I really enjoyed. She was kind of crass and sassy. Had an opinion about everything. Stood up for what she believed in and didn't care much what other people thought about her.
Dr. Balis: And this is the real Sarah?
Ms. Wright: Yes. I like her a lot better than the other Sarah.
Dr. Balis: So with Jeff you were one person and when you were with Robby, you were a different person?
Ms. Wright: Yup, you got it!
Dr. Balis: And how long did you play this double role?
Ms. Wright: About 3 years I think. Maybe closer to 4 years.
Dr. Balis: I see. And it was during this time that you had the heart attack?
Ms. Wright: Yes. But at that time, I had decided to give up the role of the real Sarah.
Dr. Balis: Why was that?
Ms. Wright: Because I realized Robby was sucking me dry and that it was not a healthy relationship to be in. I gave him 4 months notice that I was quitting, knowing full well that after I quit, we wouldn't see each other for a very long time.
Dr. Balis: Tell me how you came to be working for Robby.
Ms. Wright: My sister was working as a receptionist for old Dr. Waite. She went on maternity leave and got me to fill in for her. It was just part time and I was already working for another dentist part time so I figured I could handle both jobs for a few months. After she had the baby, she decided not to come back to work. It wasn't too bad working for both the doctors so I decided to stay on with Dr. Waite. Then about 6 months later, Dr. Waite had a stroke and retired. That's when Robby came back home and took over his practice.
Dr. Balis: How did you feel about working for Robby?
Ms. Wright: At first, when I found out he was the one who bought Dr. Waite's practice, I was going to quit. I wrestled with it for a long time. I still hadn't made up my mind until I actually came face to face with him.
Dr. Balis: What happened when you saw him that first time?
Ms. Wright: It was really disturbing. All kinds of emotions starting going around and around in my head. I had forgotten how absolutely gorgeous he was. Sandy blonde hair, ice blue eyes...
Dr. Balis: So it was more of a physically attraction?
Ms. Wright: Oh no, it was much more than that. I knew from that first moment we'd known each other in another life.
Dr. Balis: Excuse me?
Ms. Wright: Well I wasn't sure before, when we were just dating, but this time I could look into his eyes and see something I recognized.
Dr. Balis: What exactly did you recognize?
Ms. Wright: My soul knew his soul. It was beyond anything that my physical being had any control over. It was was like suddenly there were now 2 other people in the room with us. My physical self, Robby's physical self, and each of our spiritual selves as well. Our souls knew each other. They wanted to be with each other. There's always a very strong bond between souls, and sometimes the souls will react totally differently than the physical being would have it. It becomes a struggle between the spiritual and physical self.
Dr. Balis: So you believe in reincarnation?
Ms. Wright: Oh yes, very much so. I've lived at least 3 other lives that I can remember. Probably more.
Dr. Balis: And do you believe Robby's soul was involved in those lives as well?
Ms. Wright: Definitely!
Dr. Balis: And what do you believe was the relationship you had with Robby in those previous lives?
Ms. Wright: Well, I wondered about that for a long time myself. I just couldn't put a time or place on it, but I knew it was good. I started having strange dreams that I now believe were glimpses of my past.
Dr. Balis: What did those dreams tell you?
Ms. Wright: We were in love, but there was some reason we couldn't be together. Something that kept us apart, though I don't know what it was. We were always being pulled apart, kept apart really. We struggled to stay together but there was always something coming between us. In one life, we lived in a European country...Scotland maybe, I'm not sure. It was hundreds of years ago but at the time, Robby was a Catholic priest. We fell in love but he couldn't or wouldn't break his vows to be with me. I was angry at him and eventually killed myself to punish him. I remember my death. I remember being told I had made the wrong choice and had to go back and try again.
Dr. Balis: The part about the two of you being keep apart, it seems like the same thing is happening in the present.
Ms. Wright: Exactly. That's why, when I finally figured it all out, I had to make the changes. I believe that when we are born, we always come with the same soul. We have lessons to learn from life to life. If we don't learn from our lessons, we have to repeat them. I know now that in this life, the circle with Robby will be completed.
Dr. Balis: What do you mean by completed?
Ms. Wright: Both of us will have learned all we can from each other. We will be rewarded by being together forever. Our souls will never be separated again.
Dr. Balis: If this is what you truly believe, why aren't you continuing your relationship with Robby?
Ms. Wright: Because it's not time yet. Many things must first happen before we can be together. Our time will come but not yet.
Dr. Balis: So in the meantime, you continue to live with a man you don't love and you've created a canyon between you and the man you do love.
Ms. Wright: Yes but all this is necessary.
Dr. Balis: But you really don't hate Robby?
Ms. Wright: I hate what Robby has become, but my soul will always love his soul no matter what the physical or emotional aspects are. It's all part of the learning process.
Dr. Balis: Does Robby believe as you do, that you have known each other before?
Ms. Wright: No but he will. Just before it's over, he'll know. I will be caring for him at his death and at that moment he'll recognize my soul.
Dr. Balis: Well, I'm afraid our time is up for today. Do you want to come back next week at the same time?
Ms. Wright: Sure, that'll be fine.
Dr. Balis: All right, I'll see you next Monday at 2:00pm.
Ms. Wright: Okay. Bye Doctor.
Dr. Balis: Goodbye Sarah. Oh I'd like an opportunity to talk to your cardiologist, if you don't mind. Could you give me his name and number?
Ms. Wright: Sure Doctor. Actually, I have one of his business cards in my purse. Here it is. Bye Doctor.
Dr. Balis: Thank you. Goodbye.
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