Transcript of 9th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Kelly Wiseling, Wednesday, November 4, 1998 at 2:00 pm.

Dr. Balis: Hello, Kelly. How are you today?
Ms. Wiseling: Oh, I'm okay. Over the weekend, I...well, I haven't told anyone about what I did. It was very...well, I...I'm not sure if I should tell you.
Dr. Balis: In therapy, it's important to be honest, not only with me, but with yourself. If you would like to hold off on discussing something, I can certainly understand. But if you had an incident that you find disturbing or stressful, we certainly should talk about it at some point. Remember, I'm not here to judge you, Kelly.
Ms. Wiseling: I'm not sure why I'm making such a big deal of it. I'm sure you've heard worse.
Dr. Balis: You don't need to worry about offending or shocking me, Kelly.
Ms. Wiseling: Maybe I'm the one who's shocked. I feel different, like I'm not right in the head.
Dr. Balis: Would you like to tell me what happened?
Ms. Wiseling: Saturday afternoon, I had a few glasses of wine, and I was laying in bed and...hmm, I was trying out my new vibrator. I was reading one of those trashy books I like so much. I order them through the mail--I'm always too embarrassed to buy books like that from the store. Anyway, I was reading and playing with myself, and I happened to glance up, and I saw Angie standing in the doorway watching me.
Dr. Balis: I see.
Ms. Wiseling: I didn't even know she was home. I was so surprised, I just stared at her. Angie smiled at me and came into my bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed and began kissing and touching me.
Dr. Balis: Hmm. How did this make you feel, Kelly?
Ms. Wiseling: I don't know if it was the wine, but I just...well, I froze. I let her do it.
Dr. Balis: Was this something you wanted?
Ms. Wiseling: It's not like she forced me, but she didn't ask me, either.
Dr. Balis: Did you have any indication that Angie was attracted to you?
Ms. Wiseling: Not that way. She's always friendly, and she'd hug me and rub my back, but it was never sexual. Even when we went to buy the vibrator, I didn't think that she was like that.
Dr. Balis: You mean a lesbian?
Ms. Wiseling: I don't know if she's a lesbian. She seemed to know what to do, it felt like she had a lot of experience. She really knew my body, all my sensitive places: behind my knees, my stomach, even my feet.
Dr. Balis: Hmm. How did you respond?
Ms. Wiseling: At first, I lay there, not knowing what to do. She held me and kissed me for a long time while she undressed me and ran her hands up and down over me. I found myself kissing her back, and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. She did things with her tongue that were...well, they were very different. I had no idea kissing could be so erotic. When she started working her way down, kissing my breasts and stomach, I started to get nervous. Angie picked up on it right away, like she knew what I was thinking.
Dr. Balis: Did you want her to stop at that point?
Ms. Wiseling: She knew to slow down. She made the "I love you" sign and lay next to me with her arms around me. That's when I put her hand on me. What she did was so different. Her whole was very emotional for me.
Dr. Balis: How so?
Ms. Wiseling: Usually, sex is fast and passionate. With Peter, we couldn't wait to get our clothes off and start banging away. No one ever took the time to really look at me and get to know my body like Angie did. When she spread my legs apart, she sat up and opened me up with her fingers and looked at me. She really looked at me, and then she smiled. It was weird having her look into my eyes and then at my vagina that way. It was so personal, opened up like that was the most vulnerable way to be. At that moment, I felt this rush of warmth. I felt loved and accepted.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Ms. Wiseling: She used her hand, and then her mouth. When I felt her tongue down there, it was very intense, direct pressure, but different from the vibrator. My entire body was tingling. I've had men go down on me, but I didn't like it. It didn't feel good, not like that.
Dr. Balis: Did you practice safe sex?
Ms. Wiseling: What? Oh, I didn't even think of that. But I always use condoms with men.
Dr. Balis: It's a good idea to use a barrier protection during oral sex as well. Good Vibrations carries those, as well as dental dams and latex gloves.
Ms. Wiseling: I didn't know you had to worry about that with women.
Dr. Balis: Oral sex isn't as high risk as some of the other activities, but it's a good idea to take precautions, especially with a new partner.
Ms. Wiseling: Hmm. I should talk to Angie about that.
Dr. Balis: Is this something you would like to do again?
Ms. Wiseling: A part of me wants to. I can't stop thinking about it. But I'm not sure if Angie wants to, though. I haven't seen much of her since then.
Dr. Balis: Do you regret what you did?
Ms. Wiseling: I don't know. I don't know what I feel. I think I would calm down if I could see her again. I really want to see her, but I don't know where the hell she's been. She works long hours, and she has a lot of friends. It's not unusual not to see her for a few days.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Ms. Wiseling: I keep replaying what happened in my mind over and over again, and I'm always in a semi-aroused state. I wonder if this is what animals in heat feel like.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Ms. Wiseling: What's funny is that I haven't been able to get myself off since then. I use the vibrator on the highest setting until I feel raw and sore, and I still can't come.
Dr. Balis: Is it usually difficult for you to reach an orgasm?
Ms. Wiseling: No, not by myself. I didn't come with Angie, though she went down on me for a long time. I was like I was too excited and couldn't build up enough tension to come. She eventually stopped. She said her tongue was getting tired. Angie kissed me after that, and I could taste myself on her. At first, I didn't want to kiss her right after she had done that, but I didn't want to be rude, so I did. I was surprised that I liked the taste and the way it felt. I didn't go down on her, though.
Dr. Balis: Did you want to?
Ms. Wiseling: I didn't know what to do. I felt clumsy. I asked her what I could do in return. Angie lay back and guided my hands over her breasts and the rest of her. It was interesting, touching a woman that way. It was a strange sensation, like exploring the landscape of another planet. Angie's always on a diet, but I like her body the way it is. It's womanly and beautiful. She's very soft and feminine. I should have told her that. She's so insecure about her looks and weight. I liked it when she held me, she smelled good, and her skin was soft.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Ms. Wiseling: Angie told me to use the vibrator on myself, but I couldn't come. She used it on herself, and I played with her breasts. I think she wanted me to suck on them, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I loved watching her as she came. I could feel myself getting excited, the closer she got. It was as if I could feel everything she was feeling, but not directly, only in my head, you know?
Dr. Balis: I understand. But I'm worried about the safe sex issue. Practicing safe sex also means not sharing sex toys. Ideally, you should each have your own. But you can clean what you've been using with soap and hot water before letting someone else play with it.
Ms. Wiseling: Hmm. I didn't know you could catch a disease that way.
Dr. Balis: It's not the most common means of transmitting STDs, but it's definitely a possibility. I don't want you to take unnecessary risks, Kelly.
Ms. Wiseling: Come to think of it, I saw a bottle of dildo shampoo, or something like that, at Good Vibes.
Dr. Balis: I'm not an expert on sex toys...
Ms. Wiseling: You can borrow mine anytime.
Dr. Balis: Very funny. As I was saying, I think antibacterial soap and hot water are effective cleansing agents, unless the manufacturer specifies something else. Rubbing alcohol may also be used.
Ms. Wiseling: I always learn something new when I come here. I don't think I should submerge the vibrator, though, especially if it's plugged in.
Dr. Balis: I'm sure the staff at Good Vibrations can provide you with guidance on this matter.
Ms. Wiseling: They're all dykes. I don't have anything against them, but the militant lesbians--the ones who have a very masculine look--are kind of scary. It never occurred to me that I could be a lesbian. I always thought of myself as a heterosexual. I used to only look at men. I mean I really love men...or I used to, no matter how much they pissed me off. Now I barely notice them. I find myself looking at women all the time. When I walk down Market street, I can watch the women for hours. Women are really beautiful, at least physically. Men seem ugly and crude by comparison. I better not ogle too many women at work, I don't want them to think I am a pervert or gain a reputation...
Dr. Balis: One sexual experience with a woman doesn't make you a lesbian, Kelly. Many people experiment sexually with members of their own gender.
Ms. Wiseling: I don't feel like a lesbian, but I'm not feeling very heterosexual these days, either. Does this make me bisexual?
Dr. Balis: You don't have to decide right away. Your sexual identity is your own creation, it may change and shift. Think of sexuality as water that takes the shape of the container it's in. Your sexual feelings will evolve as you change and grow.
Ms. Wiseling: Hmm.
Dr. Balis: Kelly, you said you didn't know what you wanted when Angie first approached you. Was there a part of you that wanted her to stop?
Ms. Wiseling: I don't know. I don't think so.
Dr. Balis: You described negative sexual encounters with your first boyfriend. Have you often felt pressured into doing things you didn't want to do?
Ms. Wiseling: It wasn't like that, it wasn't the way it was with Daryl.
Dr. Balis: When women are programmed to be passive in bed from an early age, they often find it difficult to articulate their needs. This can be quite damaging to their sexual health and self-esteem. If you were put off by Angie's advances, could you have refused them?
Ms. Wiseling: I wasn't put off by what she did. I was surprised at first, shocked even. But it was an incredible experience.
Dr. Balis: It sounds like you enjoyed it. I'm glad it was a positive experience. But you didn't answer my question, Kelly.
Ms. Wiseling: I didn't? Oh yeah, my brain's turned into Spam. What's the question again?
Dr. Balis: If you didn't like what Angie was doing, could you have told her to stop? Or would you have been afraid of hurting her feelings or of making her angry?
Ms. Wiseling: Are you implying that I can't say no?
Dr. Balis: No, Kelly, that's...
Ms. Wiseling: I can say no! I don't fuck everything that moves! What do you think I am? A whore?
Dr. Balis: Kelly, calm down. That's not what I meant. I'm concerned that your early sexual experiences were damaging--you described being pressured into sex, being ridiculed for your interest in it, and being betrayed by your partner. Those are all quite traumatic experiences, especially at a young age when your sexuality is just emerging. Ideally, sex is an expression of love, desire, and affection. Having sex involves a great deal of trust...
Ms. Wiseling: I've had sex, but I haven't really made love, except maybe to Angie. It has to go both ways to be considered making love. It doesn't count if the other person is only fucking you.
Dr. Balis: I see. I think you should talk to Angie about your experience. Find out how she felt. And you also need to discuss the safe sex issues with her.
Ms. Wiseling: Yeah. I should track her down on campus tonight. I need to see her.
Dr. Balis: Do you miss her?
Ms. Wiseling: It's more than that.
Dr. Balis: Explain what you mean by that.
Ms. Wiseling: I don't know. I just need to see her. If I leave work a little early, I could catch her as her last class is finishing.
Dr. Balis: Kelly, I think we should discuss...
Ms. Wiseling: I've got to run, Doctor.
Dr. Balis: Kelly?
Ms. Wiseling: Bye.
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