Date: Fri, 16 May 1997 01:44:31 -0800 (PDT)
Mime-Version: 1.0
To: (Charles Balis, M.D.)
Subject: Re: Third E-Mail Therapy Session (was Re: Second E-Mail Therapy Session)

>>>would it be too obvious to ask why you don't just come in?

>>I'm asking myself that too. I think i have more psychic energy now, and i could handle it as well as my regular Work. I'll ask Serena again.

>Why is it her decision and not yours? Isn't this something you can decide for yourself?

It's not as simple as that and you know it. I see myself coming back someday, it's just not clear when.

>>>Since responding to your e-mail takes about twenty minutes of my time, how about twenty dollars per response? I'll deal with the book-keeping somehow.

>>I've been saving up my lunch money; I haven't had much appetite lately, so the twenty bucks is no problem- thanks for doing it this way.

>I'm afraid you've lost me here--what does your therapy have to do with your lunch?

Serena and i decided i shouldn't be dealing with money any more than i absolutely had to. It always has very heavy Karma attached, and i'm maxed out on that as it is. But She's strong enough to deal with it; so i have my checks directly deposited into Her account and She just gives me what i need, which isn't much, usually. But like i said, i can handle the twenty bucks you want no sweat.

>> (...) It was a typical loud smoky club, and i was wondering what i was doing there when the keyboard player caught my eye and i couldn't look away. There was something about her that i just couldn't get enough of, and i kept drinking in her presence. After a while she noticed me and the connection between our eyes sizzled through the air like an electric arc. I could tell it was having the same effect on her; even the music seemed to reflect it. Suddenly, i was totally absorbed in this experience, so different from anything i'd ever expected to find in this lifetime, which i'd about written off. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before in "real life"; the only thing comparable i can think of was the Meeting i told you about on the Astral Plane.

>This sounds like a positive experience for you, and I'm glad to hear about it. But do you really have to connect it with your past life regressions?

Can't you see the connections? Are you blind? First i meet a Being on the astral plane, someone i instantly connect with, who suddenly makes me realize i've been searching for her all my life. Then i find out that what i really need in order to save my Soul is to find this person from one of my earliest lifetimes, a Woman of Power even then. And then i walk into a party and there she is- and she knows it, i can tell. This was Fated from ancient times, anybody can see that- (anybody but you i mean.)

>Can't you accept it for what it appears to be--a case of love at first sight?

Why do you have to make everything sound so mundane? What does "love" have to do with it? Okay, it might be included, but this is happening on so many more levels than that, the romantic love part becomes sort of insignificant. Anyway, Eliza's got this boyfriend named Luke. I guess i didn't tell you, but Eliza and i finally got together again (i've been going crazy trying to get in touch with her) and it was a really beautiful experience just being so close- no it's not what you're thinking, we just took a walk in the park at sunset and ended up watching the Comet until pretty late, so i walked her home. She lives in a really nice place out near Golden Gate Park, okay, she did kiss me before she went in (it was amazing), and i guess Luke must have seen us. He knew my name- he must have followed me down the street- and he started out like he wanted to have this little friendly talk. I recognized him as the guy who was hanging around Eliza at the party, so i said sure, and he tells me how they were having a little rough spot in their relationship, but it was basically really solid; and how Eliza just needs to settle down some and everything would be fine; and how just at this "critical juncture" (he really talked that way); i had shown up and got her "all riled up" (i kid you not); and it all wound up with how if i didn't stop calling, writing, or otherwise attempting to contact Eliza, he was going to teach me a lesson, by which i think he meant he was going to beat me up or something. I don't understand how she could get involved with somebody like that, i really don't. If he wants to hurt me, that's okay, but isn't it Eliza's decision whether she talks to me or not?

>Why do you have to drag Babylon into it?

Don't you realize it was Babylon which dragged me into it?

>Just because something happens by chance doesn't mean it is any less meaningful.

But if it is part of a Divine Plan, isn't it more so?

>Don't you think that when you need something you are more likely to find it?

What if you've needed it for a thousand generations?

>>i was sleep-walking through this Existence; but now i feel i'm waking up. Thank-you, Doctor.

>I appreciate your gratitude, but you have a long way to go yet.

I know that. But somehow i'm going someplace- i'll know where when i get there.

>>Suddenly i feel healthier than ever before. I feel Eliza (i didn't tell you her name before, did i?) has Powers that even she is unaware of, although she is a Sorceress.

>What makes you think so? Isn't an ordinary person good enough for you?

Eliza is far from ordinary. Her Power is strong, i can feel it even now.

>I'm really happy for you. But I worry that you seem so intent on forcing her into a mold, making her fit your fantasy instead of being free to be herself. Do you think this is a sound basis for a relationship?

How can you say i'm forcing her- the few times we've been together were Pure Magic, the energy flowed between us so easily. I'm not making her do anything, and she's asked nothing from me either. But i don't know what's a "sound basis for a relationship"- i'll leave that to you, you're the expert.

>>Making a break is another matter, though. I'm still trying to figure out how to tell Her about this- i'm sure she'll understand if i put it in the right way.

>Sometimes you have to tell the truth even if it hurts. Do you think you might be ready?

I tried hinting- just hinting- that i needed a little more time to myself and it was awful- She kept punching me with Her fists and screaming. With a person like Her, you have to be really careful when you talk about certain things...

>>>Let me get this straight--you are having "tantric sex" as a spiritual exercise only, with a woman to whom you admit you are not sexually attracted. You are not allowed to have an orgasm, but are expected to act as if you were; although your partner, presumably under no such constraint herself, is aware that you are shamming. And this is what you call "respect"?

>>It meant so little to me, i couldn't see the harm. But now i'm getting a glimpse of a whole new dimension to this whole Sex thing, and i'm feeling more Shame for what i've done. But i still have to explain it to Her.

>And if she can't--or refuses to--understand, what then?

Good question.

>You don't need to feel ashamed, but you must get on with your life.

I do need to feel ashamed, and when i think of all the Spritual Benefits i've received, what She asks in return is such a pittance. How else could i ever have gone so far so fast? But i'm starting to see that i'm ready for a new phase of Growth, and She's starting to sense i might cast Her aside like an empty chrysalis. She's told me how i've sucked away Her vital Forces, and deserting Her now would be the ultimate betrayal- it would take a Monster like me to do it. And how can i - wouldn't it just be repeating the kind of act that ruined my Karma in the first place?

>> right now i've got so much on my mind, i just can't deal with all this Epilepsy shit. Maybe when things settle down i can start worrying about all that...

>Your condition will not resolve itself by being ignored. I'm worried about what might happen if you keep postponing even the recognition of what's going on.

You might be right, my physical condition is not great right now. Even though i've been trying to clean out my system, eating hardly anything but brown rice, wheat-grass juice, and the teas She gives me; somehow i feel like i'm not doing enough, and the toxics are gaining on me. But i suppose i stored up a lot, and they've got to make their way out somehow.

>If you don't want my help. why do you keep e-mailing me? I'd be glad to give you some assistance, if you'd let me. But why call for help, if you're always going to push me away when I offer it?

Sometimes it's good just to know that it's there if i really need it...

>>I'm getting stronger. Maybe my Will is starting to grow back.

>I'm happy to hear it. Perhaps we will see some manifestation of this someday soon?

You never were so cruel in person, Doctor. Is it this form of communication that brings out the worst in people?

>>Now all i can think about is the next time i can meet Eliza. Life- even the Animal life i disregarded so totally- seems so much more Meaningful, infused with significance i never saw.

>As a citizen of the real world, all I can say is--"welcome aboard". You may find it's neither as boring or frightening as you seem to have believed.

Can't we live on more than one Level at a time? Does living in your world mean i must close my eyes to all the Others?

>>>Are you experiencing fatigue as well as headaches?

>>I was, but now i'm feeling more energy than i thought was possible.

>It sounds like your vitality is on an upswing--this is an encouraging sign. But it's up to you to make the most of it, before your mood swings back to despondency once more. Use your energy to change your life.

My life is changing, i can feel it. I just hope Eliza's Power is strong enough to save us both. As Serena was screaming and pummeling me, she suddenly stopped. She snatched a hair off my coat, a beautifully long, lustrous black hair from Eliza's head- i was afraid, i thought She would be angry, but She looked almost happy. With that hair in Her hand, She turned around and locked Herself in Her room, the one She never lets me in. After that, i heard a lot of chanting from behind that door for hours, until i went to sleep. I got a bad feeling about this-do you think i should try to warn Eliza?

>>>for some reason of your own, you have decided to accept things unquestioningly that, if true, would totally contradict the laws of nature.

>>Perhaps there are "laws of nature" that you have never heard of. How would you explain quantum physics to a caveman? But don't stop being yourself; i've come to depend on you as the Voice of Reason, even if you are a bit limited in your outlook.

>By no means do I discount the possibility that we will discover more about how the human mind--or the physical world--works; in fact we're doing this all the time. But don't you think we should build on what we know, instead of basing our lives on conjectures of such doubtful probability? Give rationality a shot; you've tried all the rest...

I hope i'm wrong about this and you're right; i really do. It would be terrible if Eliza was harmed because of me. If i clap my hands and shout- "i believe in Reason"- does that mean that Black Magic won't work?

>Maybe this "curse" will lift itself when you no longer need to believe in it.

Things must be so simple for you. No hesitation, just pick the right answer every time, and it all works out for the best. But if you're going to help other people, you have to realize that we're not all built the same way, and what works for you won't always work for me. Don't they get into this in Psychiatrist school?

All i can do is hope that Fate is kind...

peter hossfeld

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