Date: Mon, 09 June 1997 9:37:10 -0800 (PDT)
Mime-Version: 1.0
To: (Charles Balis, M.D.)
Subject: Re: Fourth E-Mail Therapy Session (was Re: Third E-Mail Therapy Session)

>>I see myself coming back someday, it's just not clear when.

>Is this a prophecy or what?

Yes, what's the matter with that? I'm visualizing a solution - is that more comfortable for you? Honestly, Charles, you come across really testy by e-mail- in person you seem so much warmer. Are you punishing me for not coming in?

>>Serena and i decided i shouldn't be dealing with money any more than i absolutely had to. It always has very heavy Karma attached, and i'm maxed out on that as it is. But She's strong enough to deal with it; so i have my checks directly deposited into Her account and She just gives me what i need, which isn't much, usually. But like i said, i can handle the twenty bucks you want no sweat.

>I've often found that money acts as an indicator of where power in a relationship resides. Even insignificant amounts of money can trigger emotional storms; our sense of self is bound up with it. In this case, your surrender of monetary authority denotes your abdication of power in every facet of this unequal partnership.

I've got better things to do than play silly games about power and money.

>>Can't you see the connections? Are you blind? First i meet a Being on the astral plane, someone i instantly connect with, who suddenly makes me realize i've been searching for her all my life. Then i find out that what i really need in order to save my Soul is to find this person from one of my earliest lifetimes, a Woman of Power even then. And then i walk into a party and there she is- and she knows it, i can tell. This was Fated from ancient times, anybody can see that- (anybody but you i mean.)

>Perhaps I am unusually obtuse, but don't you think you should consider the other alternative--that you might be reading more into your experience of instant mutual empathy--which is not such an uncommon one as you seem to think- than is warranted by the circumstances? Certainly you needed something like this to happen--and I'm glad for you that it did--but don't you see that you are making this new relationship conform to a pre-existing mental construction, rather than let it reveal anything that might contradict your set of assumptions?

Yes, i know in your eyes i'm an idiot, deluded by epileptic seizures and an evil woman into mental slavery and total debasement; i feel that way sometimes myself. But then my spirit soars aloft and i'm looking down at all the rest of you, and you seem so low and petty- not you personally, i'm talking about people in general, the masses, this ant-like infestation of the planet. I see them burrowing with their faces in the dirt, never looking up at the sky. And you think it's me who is distorting everything to fit my assumptions.

>>>Can't you accept it for what it appears to be--a case of love at first sight?

>>Why do you have to make everything sound so mundane? What does "love" have to do with it? Okay, it might be included, but this is happening on so many more levels than that, the romantic love part becomes sort of insignificant.

>Why minimize it like this? What's the matter with love? Can't you let yourself feel an emotion without justifying and explaining it in religious terms?

Don't you think that going through emotions like this brings out your spiritual side? If it won't, what will- reading theology? But i don't really think what happens to me personally in this particular lifetime is that important anyway; if you look at the Big Picture, i'm an insignificant detail. If i'm part of a Plan, though, then what i do has consequences i need to consider carefully on every level.

>>Anyway, Eliza's got this boyfriend named Luke. (...) i had shown up and got her "all riled up" (i kid you not); and it all wound up with how if i didn't stop calling, writing, or otherwise attempting to contact Eliza, he was going to teach me a lesson, by which i think he meant he was going to beat me up or something. I don't understand how she could get involved with somebody like that, i really don't. If he wants to hurt me, that's okay, but isn't it Eliza's decision whether she talks to me or not?

>Why is it okay for him to hurt you?

I guess Eliza must have told you what happened- my pathetic attempt at using physical force to stop that man from hurting her. It happened so fast, but i'm still going over it in my head, over and over again in slow motion: I come into the room expecting to see her, with this big stupid smile on my face and flowers in my hand, and there's all this screaming and confusion, and I see her up against the wall and he's slapping her back and forth and screaming at her- i can feel every blow,- and I'm shouting, "here i am, it's me you want". And the next thing i know i feel his big fists pounding into me; he's blasting my body with pain.. But it didn't feel as bad as those slaps he gave Eliza. And just when i was about to leave this incarnation, it was like he was blown away by the wind. This ugly man who had seemed so powerful just moments before seemed paralyzed- his Aura changed from red to green- i'd never seen anybody hit in so many places so fast, it was like a blur of motion overwhelmed him. I knew Karma could work fast, but seeing it in action was another thing entirely.

>I agree that the decision on whether or not to encourage your advances belongs to Eliza; but forgive me for pointing out that this question sounds a bit ironic coming from you.

Because i'm such a spineless wimp?

>>>Why do you have to drag Babylon into it?

>>Don't you realize it was Babylon which dragged me into it?

>Can't you admit the possibility that Serena structured this whole Babylon fantasy for her own purposes?

I tell you i was there, i lived in that time, i did those deeds, i remember it clearly. It was only though Her power that i could find this out for sure- my own explorations were too wild, too random, too dangerous. I have brushed past the Elementals who guard the passages between the Realms, and have felt their hot breath on my neck. I feel it sometimes still.

>>>Just because something happens by chance doesn't mean it is any less meaningful.

>>But if it is part of a Divine Plan, isn't it more so?

>Does everything have to be planned for you by some exterior agency? Do you utterly deny the possibility of free will? If everything that happens on earth were predestined, what would be the point of going through the motions of life?

Does the water ask why it flows to the sea? What makes us so different? We are each born with a soul that has been through this many times before, with the roles we must play and the lessons we must learn hard-wired. When we die, it's like we're reformatting our disks, most of the information is erased, but traces linger on, enough to reconstruct some data if you know how to do it.

>(...) shouldn't we focus on the here and now?

Why confine yourself to such a small terrain?

>>somehow i'm going someplace- i'll know where when i get there.

>Do let me know when you've arrived, then.

i'm getting closer- it just doesn't look that way.

>>>Isn't an ordinary person good enough for you?

>>Eliza is far from ordinary. Her Power is strong, i can feel it even now.

>Is it helping you to find some power of your own, or are you merely switching your dependencies?

She was helping me strengthen my aura, and it might be working. In spite of being in physical pain, i feel really "up".

>(...) it's pretty simple. If you can love yourself, then you can love somebody else. If you hate yourself, you won't be able to believe that anyone else can love you.

i love myself i love myself i love myself i love myself i love myself

>And if you are going to love a woman, you have to love that actual person as she is, not your fantasy projection of what that person should, could, or would be. Try to pierce through your mystical fog for once and find something real--otherwise you will have learned nothing and you'll still be alone with your dreams.

I love it here- things look so beautiful in the fog. Maybe i am living in a dream- maybe this is all a dream- maybe i'm going to wake up in a double bed on the astral plane and tell Eliza what an amusing world I imagined in my sleep.

>You don't have to take physical abuse from anybody. Just say no, and mean it.

Yeah, that worked great.

>>(...) when i think of all the Spritual Benefits i've received, what She asks in return is such a pittance.

>Just your body, your soul, your time and your money...

Like i said, a pittance.

>>How else could i ever have gone so far so fast?

>So far downhill?

Don't you have to hit bottom before Recovery can take hold?

>>But i'm starting to see that i'm ready for a new phase of Growth, and She's starting to sense i might cast Her aside like an empty chrysalis. She's told me how i've sucked away Her vital Forces, and deserting Her now would be the ultimate betrayal- it would take a Monster like me to do it. And how can i - wouldn't it just be repeating the kind of act that ruined my Karma in the first place?

>If you've outgrown this phase of your life, I congratulate you. I doubt your karma will be imperiled by admitting the fact.

So now you're an expert on Karma too?

>>(...) my physical condition is not great right now. Even though i've been trying to clean out my system, eating hardly anything but brown rice, wheat-grass juice, and the teas She gives me; somehow i feel like i'm not doing enough, and the toxics are gaining on me. But i suppose i stored up a lot, and they've got to make their way out somehow.

>This doesn't sound like an adequate diet to me. If this is all you're eating, I'm not surprised you aren't feeling well. What are you trying to prove with this--your saintly asceticism?

I'm not proving anything, my stomach simply revolts at gross food. I never ate much, and now i seem to need it less and less. Even the teas are starting to make me feel strange lately.

>>>>I'm getting stronger. Maybe my Will is starting to grow back.

>>>I'm happy to hear it. Perhaps we will see some manifestation of this someday soon?

>>You never were so cruel in person, Doctor. Is it this form of communication that brings out the worst in people?

>Perhaps it does. And I guess I'm letting my frustration show a little--sorry. Come in for a face-to-face session and I promise to be nicer, okay?

I'm working on it, really i am. Just please be kind to me in the meantime?

>>Can't we live on more than one Level at a time? Does living in your world mean i must close my eyes to all the Others?

>It seems you've spent enough time on the "Other Levels," at least for the time being. Give reality a chance for once.

Right, back to boring old reality, where i'm a pathetic fool who can't do anything about the mess he's made of his life.

>>My life is changing, i can feel it. I just hope Eliza's Power is strong enough to save us both. As Serena was screaming and pummeling me, she suddenly stopped. She snatched a hair off my coat, a beautifully long, lustrous black hair from Eliza's head- i was afraid, i thought She would be angry, but She looked almost happy. With that hair in Her hand, She turned around and locked Herself in Her room, the one She never lets me in. After that, i heard a lot of chanting from behind that door for hours, until i went to sleep. I got a bad feeling about this-do you think i should try to warn Eliza?

>Anthropologists tell us that most of these "voodoo curses"--which sounds like what she's up to--work much better if the victim knows about them. This lets them prey on the minds of the susceptible. I wouldn't advise telling Eliza about this, but my guess is that you've already hinted something of the fact, right? If you think Serena is trying to harm Eliza, why don't you stop her?

Then it's my fault, those terrible pains she's been having, even according to you. But how can i do anything about it? They kept her an extra day in the hospital trying to figure out what was going on; i guess they never did. What do you think should be done? I don't know anything about curses- do you?

>>I hope i'm wrong about this and you're right; i really do. It would be terrible if Eliza was harmed because of me. If i clap my hands and shout- "i believe in Reason"- does that mean that Black Magic won't work?

>Like Tinkerbelle in reverse? Give it a try, it couldn't hurt...

Now you've come up with a Rational Explanation- it's all in her mind. So even this won't work. But you're her doctor- can't you cure her "delusions"?

>>Things must be so simple for you. No hesitation, just pick the right answer every time, and it all works out for the best. But if you're going to help other people, you have to realize that we're not all built the same way, and what works for you won't always work for me. Don't they get into this in Psychiatrist school?

>I certainly don't expect everybody to be like me, but there are certain things we all share, to a greater or lesser degree. Admittedly, my education focused more on our differences than on our similarities, but in my practice, the latter have proved more important. I think there is more common ground between us than you seem to believe, and this is what we have to build on if we are going to have a therapeutic relationship. Why don't you meet me half-way?

You mean you're willing to go half-way to another Dimension? That's not a place you want to hang out for very long...

>>All i can do is hope that Fate is kind...

>You can do more than that--and you know it.

I suppose i can- thanks for reminding me. I guess i get so wrapped up in my thoughts that i forget i'm an actor as well as a spectator.
peter hossfeld

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