Date: Mon, 23 June 1997 10:19:37 -0800 (PST)|
From: Balis@SIIComputers.com (Charles Balis, M.D.)
Subject: Fifth E-Mail Therapy Session (was Re: Fourth E-Mail Therapy Session)
>>>I see myself coming back someday, it's just not clear when.
>>Is this a prophecy or what?
>Yes, what's the matter with that? I'm visualizing a solution - is that more comfortable for you? Honestly, Charles, you come across really testy by e-mail- in person you seem so much warmer. Are you punishing me for not coming in?
Reading this back, I see what you mean, and I'm sorry. However, I must admit I find this method of conducting therapy extremely frustrating, and I guess it shows.
>i know in your eyes i'm an idiot, deluded by epileptic seizures and an evil woman into mental slavery and total debasement; i feel that way sometimes myself. But then my spirit soars aloft and i'm looking down at all the rest of you, and you seem so low and petty- not you personally, i'm talking about people in general, the masses, this ant-like infestation of the planet. I see them burrowing with their faces in the dirt, never looking up at the sky. And you think it's me who is distorting everything to fit my assumptions.
May I be permitted to point out that the sort of mood swings you experience might be distorting your view of things? Can't we find some middle ground between ant and angel?
>>What's the matter with love? Can't you let yourself feel an emotion without justifying and explaining it in religious terms?
>Don't you think that going through emotions like this brings out your spiritual side? If it won't, what will- reading theology? But i don't really think what happens to me personally in this particular lifetime is that important anyway; if you look at the Big Picture, i'm an insignificant detail.
I disagree with you here. What happens to you is important to me, and to other people as well. Why not try being mindful of yourself--in this particular lifetime--and letting the Big Picture take care of itself?
>If i'm part of a Plan, though, then what i do has consequences i need to consider carefully on every level.
This is true regardless of any divinely ordered plan. You might start by considering the effects your actions--or lack thereof--might be having on those around you. Have you seen Eliza lately?
>>Can't you admit the possibility that Serena structured this whole Babylon fantasy for her own purposes?
>I tell you i was there, i lived in that time, i did those deeds, i remember it clearly. It was only though Her power that i could find this out for sure- my own explorations were too wild, too random, too dangerous. I have brushed past the Elementals who guard the passages between the Realms, and have felt their hot breath on my neck. I feel it sometimes still.
This sounds scary, Peter. Are you sure this is what you need in your life right now? Don't you think you have enough on your plate without messing around with these dangerous forces?
>>Does everything have to be planned for you by some exterior agency? Do you utterly deny the possibility of free will? If everything that happens on earth were predestined, what would be the point of going through the motions of life?
>Does the water ask why it flows to the sea? What makes us so different? We are each born with a soul that has been through this many times before, with the roles we must play and the lessons we must learn hard-wired. When we die, it's like we're reformatting our disks, most of the information is erased, but traces linger on, enough to reconstruct some data if you know how to do it.
If you insist on considering yourself as some kind of computer file, why not do some programming of your own? Maybe you can avert an impending system crash.
>>(...) shouldn't we focus on the here and now?
>Why confine yourself to such a small terrain?
Because this is where you can actually accomplish something.
>>>>Isn't an ordinary person good enough for you?
>>>Eliza is far from ordinary. Her Power is strong, i can feel it even now.
>>Is it helping you to find some power of your own, or are you merely switching your dependencies?
>She was helping me strengthen my aura, and it might be working. In spite of being in physical pain, i feel really "up".
You've got to do something aboout your health problems, even if you feel good right now. I hate to be the one to nag you about this, but I feel you are not taking some potentially dire symptoms very seriously.
>I love it here- things look so beautiful in the fog. Maybe i am living in a dream- maybe this is all a dream- maybe i'm going to wake up in a double bed on the astral plane and tell Eliza what an amusing world I imagined in my sleep.
Maybe you should wake up right now and see what's going on with her--I don't want to violate the confidentiality of one patient to another, but she really needs you--where have you been?
>>>How else could i ever have gone so far so fast?
>>So far downhill?
>Don't you have to hit bottom before Recovery can take hold?
That's one school of thought, certainly. But there is such a thing as permanent damage. I don't think you're in danger of it yet, but you are getting closer. Pull out of this spin before you crash, Peter.
>>>But i'm starting to see that i'm ready for a new phase of Growth, and She's starting to sense i might cast Her aside like an empty chrysalis. She's told me how i've sucked away Her vital Forces, and deserting Her now would be the ultimate betrayal- it would take a Monster like me to do it. And how can i - wouldn't it just be repeating the kind of act that ruined my Karma in the first place?
>>If you've outgrown this phase of your life, I congratulate you. I doubt your karma will be imperiled by admitting the fact.
>So now you're an expert on Karma too?
I'm sure you can find somebody to tell you whatever you want to hear on this subject. I never claimed to be an "expert", but I don't see how it can ever be wrong to face facts. You seem to have constructed some extremely elaborate justifications for avoiding the issues in your life; but you have to ask yourself what are the benefits--which seem quite intangible--and if they are worth the costs, which are very real.
>>>(...) my physical condition is not great right now. Even though i've been trying to clean out my system, eating hardly anything but brown rice, wheat-grass juice, and the teas She gives me; somehow i feel like i'm not doing enough, and the toxics are gaining on me. But i suppose i stored up a lot, and they've got to make their way out somehow.
>>This doesn't sound like an adequate diet to me. If this is all you're eating, I'm not surprised you aren't feeling well. What are you trying to prove with this--your saintly asceticism?
>I'm not proving anything, my stomach simply revolts at gross food. I never ate much, and now i seem to need it less and less. Even the teas are starting to make me feel strange lately.
Just because something comes in the form of a tea does not mean it is totally benign--and some are actually powerful drugs. Do you know what herbs you are taking?
>>>Can't we live on more than one Level at a time? Does living in your world mean i must close my eyes to all the Others?
>>It seems you've spent enough time on the "Other Levels," at least for the time being. Give reality a chance for once.
>Right, back to boring old reality, where i'm a pathetic fool who can't do anything about the mess he's made of his life.
Taking stock is the first step towards making changes. If you feel badly about the choices you've made so far, there is still time to make new ones.
>>(...) If you think Serena is trying to harm Eliza, why don't you stop her?
>Then it's my fault, those terrible pains she's been having, even according to you. But how can i do anything about it? They kept her an extra day in the hospital trying to figure out what was going on; i guess they never did. What do you think should be done? I don't know anything about curses- do you?
Just what I told you--that they prey on the minds of the susceptible. Blaming yourself isn't going to help, but confronting the person responsible might be worth considering. How can you continue to associate with someone you think is hurting the person you love?
>>>I hope i'm wrong about this and you're right; i really do. It would be terrible if Eliza was harmed because of me. If i clap my hands and shout- "i believe in Reason"- does that mean that Black Magic won't work?
>>Like Tinkerbelle in reverse? Give it a try, it couldn't hurt...
>Now you've come up with a Rational Explanation- it's all in her mind. So even this won't work. But you're her doctor- can't you cure her "delusions"?
If I could cure delusions, we wouldn't be having such heavy sledding here, now would we?
>>(...) I think there is more common ground between us than you seem to believe, and this is what we have to build on if we are going to have a therapeutic relationship. Why don't you meet me half-way?
>You mean you're willing to go half-way to another Dimension? That's not a place you want to hang out for very long...
Maybe you could check me out on one of your visits to Earth--it's a nice place, you should visit it every so often.
>>>All i can do is hope that Fate is kind...
>>You can do more than that--and you know it.
>I suppose i can- thanks for reminding me. I guess i get so wrapped up in my thoughts that i forget i'm an actor as well as a spectator.
Not only that, but you can write your own script--give it a try, it's not as hard as you seem to think.
Charles Balis, M.D.