Toes-day, May 6th, 1997
I got to see Dr. Balis today. He came over here. I think he liked the house. He's going to be none too happy after he reads the journal. He's going to think I only lie to him and that I never tell the truth. But, I didn't want him to know how things were between Luke and me...not just yet. He's such a nice guy...I don't want him to hate me. I didn't mean to be deceptive. How am I supposed to tell him that I was in love with an abusive man? How can you admit that? It's like saying, in just those words, so many things about yourself. I didn't want to give myself away so soon. But maybe it was time. Maybe it's time to crawl out of this shell of self-hate and loathing and learn to love myself. They say you cannot love another, if you do not love yourself. I believe that is a lie. I was in love with Luke, at least infatuated. Or maybe my head was in the clouds. Involved in a romantic dream, giving Luke the qualities I wanted to see and ignoring the rest. Oh, Luke, how could you play along and let me deceive myself? You have been terribly cruel to me. Maybe you should kill me. Maybe I don't deserve to live. This is also what Monique told me when she interpreted my dream. I'm preoccupied with death, that's for certain. How can I get these images out of my head? All around me are dead things. Is there no hope for humankind? It's a sad, sad story. I feel like everyone I know has no reason to live, and that even Love is dying. And Peter hasn't answered my e-mail. And if I get any more depressed...
Weddings-day, May 7th, 1997
I saw Chris today! I put on a happy face and went out. Actually, she cheered me up quite a bit. We ate lunch and jabbered. She was upset. Somehow, she wound up in Malcolm's bed last night. I tried to tell her that Malcolm really isn't so bad. I've known him a little longer. But I don't know. He hurt her a whole lot on the night of the concert by getting himself arrested. I wish Luke hadn't called the cops. I wish Luke had stayed out of it. But, anyhow. I got to ramble on about Luke to her, and, speak of the DEVIL!, He showed up outside of the cafe where we were dining.
So, I turn to Chris and say, "Don't look now, but do you see that red Ferrari?"
"Yeah. What's so special about it? It looks like your typical 'Sorry about your penis' car."
"It's Luke's." I whisper across the table.
"He's HERE? What's he doing here?"
This is where we have a long discussion and Chris recommends castration as a fitting punishment for men that push women around. I agree. I don't know why I did. Gut instinct, maybe? But, all in all, it was pleasant, and I know that we are going to get closer, if she has the time with her "damn busy schedule." I'm glad she penciled me in for today.
Peter wrote back! I did a little dance around my room and scared the shit out of Guin. We are definitely getting together Saturday for lunch. Hurrah! A reason to live! I think I love him!
Oh no. Did I just say that? Delete it now! Never mind. I don't care, gut instinct or no, I like what that says. No, I'm not over Luke. And this isn't going to become a "Rebound Romance."
Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!
I'm dancing around the room with my cat to the tune of 80 Huzzahs.
Thor's-day, May 8th,1997
Anders calls me today and says that Robin is planning on seducing Jonny, Chris' younger brother. We have decided that this is evil, and downright uncaring, as Robin and Josie are as married as two people can get. They had a handfasting! Anders and I also decided that Robin is a jerk, and that if all he wants to do is get laid, he's got plenty of good stuff at home. But, apparently, he fell for Jonny's pretty-boy looks, just like Jonny fell for his. How Gross! Poor Josie. He doesn't even know what's going on. Anders and I have planned a raid on their apartment for tomorrow night. I don't know whether or not to tell Chris. I think that I'll be returning Jonny to her place for her to deal with him, and the tears that are going to fall, because Robin, like Camille, enjoys breaking hearts. Fiends. Friends. Scary how close those two look, isn't it?
I finally told Anders what was going down with Luke, Camille, and me. That's when he said that, starting today, we need a new lead guitar and singer. I was shocked. In the past, Anders has tolerated everything from Camille, her fucking around, her off-color remarks, yaddah yaddah yaddah. But, now, he's downright angry that she's such a tramp! His exact words were, and I quote: "I put up with her shit. You know I put up with her shit. And I would continue putting up with it as long as the majority was happy. But she ain't got no right to go sleeping with your man, Sugar, and as far as I'm concerned, I'm through with her, and I'm through with her shit. She can go back to her parents, because I don't care anymore." This will probably change tomorrow, but presents an interesting moral dilemma for Anders. What is he going to do about her? She's been staying with him and Phillip for the past two months. How is he going to break the news? And how will she take it?
Well, I was getting uncomfortable with the phone, so I told Anders to come over here. He fell in love with Guin right away, and Guin fell in love with him. But I finally told him the whole story about Luke and me. It took forever, but I felt a lot better about the whole thing. He says I need to tell Dr. Balis what happened to me while I was living with Luke. I don't know yet. It will come out soon. But I was glad for a shoulder. I wish Anders had more free time to give me a hand. He's the most sensible person when it comes to love. He's been with Phillip since the dawn of time, and he really knows how to pick them. He asked me if there was anything else that I had hidden from him, and I told him that would tell him later. That's when I'll talk to him about Peter.
Fry-day, May 9th, 1997
I had a dream last night with totally inappropriate subjects regarding Peter. Perhaps I should stop day-dreaming about him, and then maybe I'll stop night-dreaming about him. He'd probably enjoy it if I told him about it.
Oh, dear. Gotta stop. My blood-pressure is going to go through the roof! Never mind, I've got to do something about these inappropriate cravings.
Ahhh. Much better.
Gotta go to work. Yuck! But, I'll see Anders tonight when we raid Robin and Josie's place. And tomorrow, I'll get to see the object of my bodice-ripping dreams. Yum.
We raided Robin and Josie's place. It was hell.
Anders picked the lock. I can't believe it. We tip-toed into the living room, where we caught Robin kissing Jonny ferociously. That's when Anders made his entrance and said "Robin, how could you!?" It was a very serious moment, but you could see the amusing look of horror on Robin's face. He stammered a bit, and Jonny was blushing bright red. Anders grabbed Jonny's wrist and proceeded to fling him in my direction, as he said, "Take him home."As I was leading Jonny away, I heard Anders go completely off on Robin, telling him about vows and oaths and not breaking them, etcetera. Jonny started to cry when I got him in the car. Apparently, he had no idea that Josie and Robin are together. He sobbed all the way to Chris' house, which is where I took him, as opposed to home. Well, Chris was mighty shocked to see us standing there. I gave her a brief synopsis of the scenario (Jonny was in no condition to talk...) and she took him away and talked to him. Meanwhile, I communed with her cat, and found out that, coincidentally, her cat's name is Lancelot. As I was leaving, I told her that my cat's name is Guin. She looked vaguely amused, as she was busy herding Jonny off to their father's.
I stopped in briefly at Malcolm's to say hi, and took off for home.
Guin has decided to destroy the shoelaces on my best pair of sneakers. No more tennis for awhile, I presume. I gave her the fiercest talking-to I have ever given her, and she mewed her apologies. I can't stay mad at her for very long. (Sigh) Bad ole puddy tat.
Sat-turd-day, May 10th, 1997
I'm screaming happily into my pillow.
Peter and I just had lunch. He kissed me!
I'm screaming happily into my pillow.
Now I'm breathing and wearing a very big silly grin upon my countenance.
He brought me daisies. I blushed, of course. We talked about spiritual matters; I taught him to fortify his aura. He warned me about his "Guru" and I told him about Luke. I think he was concerned for me. It seemed like it all ended too quickly, and before I know it, there was a lingering kiss involved and I don't know who started it. I'm going to day-dream it was Peter, though he's not very assertive. He needs to learn to think for himself, and every time he mentions Serena, I want to find her and strangle her! She's definitely coming between us, whether she, or he, knows it.
He also told me about his therapist. Good old Dr. Balis. It seems we have more in common than just our mutual attraction...I wonder how he's taking all of this? And why didn't he tell me about Peter before? Anyhow, I urged Peter to go back, despite what Serena says. I told him that you cannot immerse yourself in spirituality until that is all you know. You need a correct balance of all things in life. He said he'd think about it, but if Serena has her way, he'll never go back to the real world. He'll stay trapped in this faulty spirituality that she has created from thin air. I know for certain that I am not the Babylonian princess he seems to think I am. Maybe the cards will tell me. Perhaps it is Serena herself, trying to bind his soul to hers. Not if I have anything to say about it. It's bitches like her that give the rest of us a bad name.
On a lighter note. I hope that Peter likes me as much as I like him. It would be heartbreaking if he didn't. Funny, though. I never felt this way about Luke. So what's going on?
Sons-Day, May 11th, 1997
Happy Mother's Day.
Isaac and I made our rounds today. We Happy Mother's Day-ed Mom and Calypso, even if she isn't our Step-mom yet.
I spent a great deal of time in my room.
Two years ago.
I would have had a Mother's day today if it hadn't been for that accident two years ago.
My little girl that doesn't exist, she dances on the edge of my peripheral vision. I can see her little two-year-old face smiling at me; I can see her and Luke giving me my Mother's Day present.
And then I am here.
In this empty room.
With only my cat and my music to comfort me.
I wish I had never met Luke! I wish I had never, never met him! I wish that he didn't exist, instead of my little girl. I wish I had my little girl. Her nick-name would have been Niquah.
My mother knocks on the door. She holds me as I cry. I cry very hard. She leaves to answer the doorbell, and returns with a box, for me. It has no return address. I open the box, hoping it to be a nice something.
I will kill them.
Luke and Camille sent me a doll. A little girl dressed in a party dress, holding a little plate with a cake on it that says Happy Mother's Day. But her head falls off when you take her out of the box. I'm going to burn it.
Moo-day, May 12th, 1997
Luke called and asked whether or not I liked the present. I'm going to kill him. I haven't gotten the restraining order yet. Maybe I want to die.
Of all the things I thought about yesterday, one thought is very persistent. After that accident, my heart has been dead to Luke. It's funny, isn't it, how a holiday and some time to yourself can make you realize things before never dreamed?
I never loved him after that accident. I just needed someone around. *I* was using him! Can you believe it? I was using Luke! Using him as support, and sex, but nothing more, and playing pretend that I was in love in to placate him. So, in return for using him, I let him use me as a punching bag, as a yelling post, as whatever he wanted and needed me to be. But ultimately, I was in control, because my control was not obvious.
How refreshing. And I wanted out. That's why the crying fits. Hopefully, I would become so unmanageable that he would leave.
Surprise, surprise, surprise.
Don't you just hate it when your plans backfire?
Dr. Balis, today is your day. Patient, heal thyself!