Date: Thu, 24 Apr 1997 9:20:07 -0800 (PDT)
Mime-Version: 1.0
To: (Charles Balis, M.D.)
Subject: Re: First E-Mail Therapy Session (was Re: Hello from Peter)

You wrote:

>>>this form of communication is really unsuitable for the type of work that we have to do together.

>But if this is the only way we can communicate, then it is better than nothing; let's do our best, shall we? Try to be honest when you write to me, this may help you sort things out for yourself. Perhaps we will find that therapy by e-mail has advantages that partly compensate for the missing human contact, although it hardly can be considered a substitute.

Don't i know it! As our regular time passes by, i'm at my desk, really missing it.

>I will try to get the HMO to pay for these "virtual sessions" confidentially, based on the amount of time I spend doing it. This is new for me, so please bear with me.

NO - please don't get the HMO involved with this! There's no way they're going to keep it secret. i'll pay you cash, just tell me how much.

>>What i need is some support right now.

>I just don't know how I can provide this "support" in writing.

You're doing it right now.

>Personally, I like you, Peter,

There you go again.

>but I can't condone what you're doing to yourself. I say this because you are actively cooperating in what Serena is doing to you, reprehensible as it is. Is there something I'm missing--something positive you're getting out of this relationship?

Of course Spiritual Growth is positive, why do you value it so little? Aren't the highest rewards always the most difficult to attain? Don't you realize i'm getting knowledge that's going to save me countless cycles of rebirth? This is my big chance to escape the Curse that's been hanging over me since Babylonian times. That's my big news, actually, She got back to the source of my problem and managed to channel an Entity that knew what happened back then. i was a priest of Marduk, who fell in love with one of the Ladies of Ishtar, a woman of great Power. But she spurned my love, which then turned to hate, and in my rage i denounced her as a Witch. We men of Marduk raided the sacred precincts of Ishtar, abducted her, and burned her as a sacrifice to our male God, that he might reign supreme. As she died she cursed my Soul to an infinity of torment for the harm i'd done to her and her Goddess. i know this sounds bad, and believe me it has been, but there's hope. If i can track down the spirit of the woman i wronged and get her and the Goddess to forgive me, there's a chance i can clear the Curse and clean up my Karma.

Anyway, we're working on it very hard; i'm really amazed at Her dedication. The small things I can do to make Her sojourn here less painful and boring in no way compensate for the terrible agony She absorbs from the other Dimensions- all a direct result of my bestial Past- You should see Her after a seance- Her exhaustion is utter, like you've never seen before- she takes the whole disgusting burden on her shoulders, and afterwards her body's like a corpse, she lies there in a coma for hours, and only slowly can be coaxed back to life.

>And from your talk of "bottomless pits", it seems like there is a possibility things could become yet worse in your private universe.

You have no idea. There are certain risks involved with the kind of exploring i've been engaged in, among them the descent into various Hells. Dante was an Astral traveller, you know that? He told it like it is. And there's lots of people in mental hospitals that started out on the same path as me, in India they call them "god-intoxicated". You don't have to warn me of the dangers; i'm aware of them.

>Why not come back to earth, where you wouldn't need quite so much "support"?

Because that distant place calls out to me where Souls can mingle and Someone awaits...

>Doesn't what happens in this lifetime matter too?

It seems to matter less and less, as i see the Big Picture.

>Aren't you supposed to do the best you can while you're here? Doesn't this include being honest?

Doesn't this include trying to get closer to the Godhead? What do the means matter when an End so transcendent is in sight?

>>...i have to pretend to cum when i'm satisfying her...

>If she's not convinced, why the pretending? How are you advancing your karma by living a lie?

Haven't you ever heard of respect? Can't a person appreciate politeness even if it is only ceremonial? If these little gestures afford Her a bit of pleasure, what's the harm, after all She's done for me?

>I can give you a prescription that would help with the headaches, but it makes better medical sense to treat the underlying condition. I really think you should have kept that appointment with the neurologist. For a mild case of epilepsy like you were presenting, some new drugs are available that have very few side effects. I would like you to start on medication as soon as possible to arrest, if possible, what seems to be the progressive course of your disease.

i'm just not ready to deal with this yet. Maybe you're right, maybe i am sick, or epileptic, or whatever; but maybe you're wrong and i'd be totally blowing it by starting to take a bunch of drugs that would shut out that World before i find what i need...

>>The worse it gets for the body, the better for the Soul.

>I strongly disagree with this assertion. The more we learn about the human mind, the more evident its oneness with the body.

Who's talking about the mind? I said the Soul. The worse-off people are, the more their Souls shine forth. That's why we have Soul music, among other things.

>In the case histories of psychiatry, we see very few instances of bodily harm causing enlightenment--but numerous ones in which early abuse is translated into future agression and further pain.

There was no way i was advocating "early abuse". But look how many Holy Men found Salvation through Mortification of the Flesh.

>I find no merit in deliberately letting your health deteriorate.

The spirit is encased in the flesh like a gem in a rock; it must be chipped away for its beauty to shine forth. But you're a doctor, i'd expect you to say that.

>>Or don't you think there's anything to be learned from Suffering either?

>This is very much outside my area of expertise. I don't enjoy pain myself, and I don't like watching it without being able to help. As a doctor, I've been trained to show people how to avoid suffering. When that's not possible, I try to alleviate its symptoms. You have found somebody who seems to be an expert at the opposite approach, so I guess you've made your choice.

Although you are not as Wise, i still enjoy hearing your perspective; but it sounds like it comes from so far away, like a distant shout of warning. Yes, i've made my choice, or She has, which amounts to the same thing. i think if you start something you have to follow it through, and having started on this Path i must continue, to see where it leads. That's all that really matters now, the rest is like a dream.

>In any case, there isn't much I can do for someone who refuses to help himself.

How can you say this- can't you see that self-improvement -in the largest possible sense- is all i care about- ? i want to improve my Higher Self the best i know how; this is what i focus all my energy on, what there is of it.

>When you get tired of this, let me know and I'll do what I can.

Can't i write you before then?

>As things stand, I'm afraid that isn't much.

You are doing a lot just by replying to these messages of mine. It is comforting to know you're still there in your stolid rationality that nothing shakes- sometimes i wish i was built that way too...

peter hossfeld

{The statements and opinions expressed above are not necessarily shared by Silicon Impressions Inc., my employer.}

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