Date: Wed, 30 Apr 1997 10:10:50 -0800 (PDT)
From: Balis@SIIComputers.com (Charles Balis, M.D.)
Subject: Second E-Mail Therapy Session (was Re: First E-Mail Therapy Session)
>As our regular time passes by, i'm at my desk, really missing it.
I suppose it's good that you miss it; would it be too obvious to ask why you don't just come in?
>>I will try to get the HMO to pay for these "virtual sessions" confidentially, based on the amount of time I spend doing it.
>NO - please don't get the HMO involved with this! There's no way they're going to keep it secret. i'll pay you cash, just tell me how much.
This puts me in an awkward position, Peter. But I won't burden you with the story of my travails with the HMO. Since responding to your e-mail takes about twenty minutes of my time, how about twenty dollars per response? I'll deal with the book-keeping somehow. How are you going to pay me in cash, anyway? Shall I expect you to drop by with envelopes? I'm looking forward to it.
>>Is there something I'm missing--something positive you're getting out of this relationship?
>Of course Spiritual Growth is positive, why do you value it so little? Aren't the highest rewards always the most difficult to attain? Don't you realize i'm getting knowledge that's going to save me countless cycles of rebirth? This is my big chance to escape the Curse that's been hanging over me since Babylonian times. That's my big news, actually, She got back to the source of my problem and managed to channel an Entity that knew what happened back then. i was a priest of Marduk, who fell in love with one of the Ladies of Ishtar, a woman of great Power. But she spurned my love, which then turned to hate, and in my rage i denounced her as a Witch. We men of Marduk raided the sacred precincts of Ishtar, abducted her, and burned her as a sacrifice to our male God, that he might reign supreme. As she died she cursed my Soul to an infinity of torment for the harm i'd done to her and her Goddess. i know this sounds bad, and believe me it has been, but there's hope. If i can track down the spirit of the woman i wronged and get her and the Goddess to forgive me, there's a chance i can clear the Curse and clean up my Karma.
Do you literally believe this, or are you taking this allegorically? If you are talking about healing the breach with the feminine side of your nature, and perhaps making atonement for patriarchal excesses in history, then I'm with you, this might be worth doing. But if you really think this is a factual description of something that's actually happened to you in a former lifetime, in reality, not the astral plane or wherever; and that you are really going to find this spirit and everything's going to be great--I'm sorry for you.
>Anyway, we're working on it very hard; i'm really amazed at Her dedication. The small things I can do to make Her sojourn here less painful and boring in no way compensate for the terrible agony She absorbs from the other Dimensions- all a direct result of my bestial Past- You should see Her after a seance- Her exhaustion is utter, like you've never seen before- she takes the whole disgusting burden on her shoulders, and afterwards her body's like a corpse, she lies there in a coma for hours, and only slowly can be coaxed back to life.
The limitations of e-mail therapy are becoming apparent now. If you were here, I could look in your eyes and see if you were under the influence of drugs or hypnosis--this sounds like you've been brainwashed, and my letter-writing seems fairly futile at the moment. Wake up, Peter!
>(...) there's lots of people in mental hospitals that started out on the same path as me, in India they call them "god-intoxicated". You don't have to warn me of the dangers; i'm aware of them..
Are you thinking about checking into a mental hospital? In spite of the movies you may have seen, this is not always a bad idea. Think of it as retreating to a neutral corner; pausing to catch your breath. If you are interested, I might be able to arrange something for you; let me know. Considering your current life-circumstances, this might be a better alternative than continuing as you have been--it would at least give you time and space to think things through for yourself, and maybe get a handle on your health situation.
>Because that distant place calls out to me where Souls can mingle and Someone awaits...
>>Doesn't what happens in this lifetime matter too?
>It seems to matter less and less, as i see the Big Picture.
This sounds pre-suicidal to me. Am I wrong? Would involuntary commitment absolve you of the guilt-feelings associated with making a break?
>What do the means matter when an End so transcendent is in sight?
This little matter of ends and means has gotten many people in trouble before you. Be very careful when you start down this path; it can be very treacherous.
>>>...i have to pretend to cum when i'm satisfying her...
>>If she's not convinced, why the pretending? How are you advancing your karma by living a lie?
>Haven't you ever heard of respect? Can't a person appreciate politeness even if it is only ceremonial? If these little gestures afford Her a bit of pleasure, what's the harm, after all She's done for me?
Let me get this straight--you are having "tantric sex" as a spiritual exercise only, with a woman to whom you admit you are not sexually attracted. You are not allowed to have an orgasm, but are expected to act as if you were; although your partner, presumably under no such constraint herself, is aware that you are shamming. And this is what you call "respect"?
>>I can give you a prescription that would help with the headaches, but it makes better medical sense to treat the underlying condition. I really think you should have kept that appointment with the neurologist. For a mild case of epilepsy like you were presenting, some new drugs are available that have very few side effects. I would like you to start on medication as soon as possible to arrest, if possible, what seems to be the progressive course of your disease.
>i'm just not ready to deal with this yet. Maybe you're right, maybe i am sick, or epileptic, or whatever; but maybe you're wrong and i'd be totally blowing it by starting to take a bunch of drugs that would shut out that World before i find what i need...
You seem to be under a slight misapprehension. Epilepsy is not one of the things you can choose; it chooses you. You had better deal with it before something really bad happens. Get started on medication now. I will prescribe it myself, if you absolutely won't go to the neurologist, which would really be the best thing to do.
>(...) look how many Holy Men found Salvation through Mortification of the Flesh.
>>I find no merit in deliberately letting your health deteriorate.
>The spirit is encased in the flesh like a gem in a rock; it must be chipped away for its beauty to shine forth. But you're a doctor, i'd expect you to say that.
And the reason you are still communicating with me is because you desperately need to hear what I've been trying to tell you, and some part of you knows it. Come back to the real world and start dealing with your problems. I'm ready to help you as soon as you decide.
>(...) i've made my choice, or She has, which amounts to the same thing.
Only if you have no will of your own.
>i think if you start something you have to follow it through, and having started on this Path i must continue, to see where it leads. That's all that really matters now,
You don't have to follow this dreary path to the end. When you get lost, the best thing to do is to retrace your steps. Turn back now, there's still time.
>the rest is like a dream.
You've cut everything else out of your life, no wonder it's seeming insubstantial.
>(...) self-improvement -in the largest possible sense- is all i care about- ? i want to improve my Higher Self the best i know how; this is what i focus all my energy on, what there is of it.
Are you experiencing fatigue as well as headaches? Does this happen all the time, sporadically, or in some kind of cycle? Do the headaches and fatigue happen at the same time, or in some relationship to one another?
>>When you get tired of this, let me know and I'll do what I can.
>>As things stand, I'm afraid that isn't much.
>You are doing a lot just by replying to these messages of mine. It is comforting to know you're still there in your stolid rationality that nothing shakes- sometimes i wish i was built that way too...
What can I say that you won't dismiss as "stolid rationality"? We were both built capable of reasoning--accepting some things as true and discarding others as false, if they don't meet the standards of rational proof. But for some reason of your own, you have decided to accept things unquestioningly that, if true, would totally contradict the laws of nature. And what do you get out of this? A life as an abject slave. What's the point? I don't get it.
Charles Balis, M.D.