Date: Fri, 02 May 1997 10:17:03 -0800 (PDT)
Mime-Version: 1.0
To: (Charles Balis, M.D.)
Subject: Re: Second E-Mail Therapy Session (was Re: First E-Mail Therapy Session)

>You wrote:

>would it be too obvious to ask why you don't just come in?

I'm asking myself that too. I think i have more psychic energy now, and i could handle it as well as my regular Work. I'll ask Serena again.

>This puts me in an awkward position, Peter. But I won't burden you with the story of my travails with the HMO. Since responding to your e-mail takes about twenty minutes of my time, how about twenty dollars per response? I'll deal with the book-keeping somehow. How are you going to pay me in cash, anyway? Shall I expect you to drop by with envelopes? I'm looking forward to it.

I've been saving up my lunch money; I haven't had much appetite lately, so the twenty bucks is no problem- thanks for doing it this way.

>>i was a priest of Marduk, who fell in love with one of the Ladies of Ishtar, a woman of great Power. But she spurned my love, which then turned to hate, and in my rage i denounced her as a Witch. We men of Marduk raided the sacred precincts of Ishtar, abducted her, and burned her as a sacrifice to our male God, that he might reign supreme. As she died she cursed my Soul to an infinity of torment for the harm i'd done to her and her Goddess. i know this sounds bad, and believe me it has been, but there's hope. If i can track down the spirit of the woman i wronged and get her and the Goddess to forgive me, there's a chance i can clear the Curse and clean up my Karma.

>Do you literally believe this, or are you taking this allegorically? If you are talking about healing the breach with the feminine side of your nature, and perhaps making atonement for patriarchal excesses in history, then I'm with you, this might be worth doing. But if you really think this is a factual description of something that's actually happened to you in a former lifetime, in reality, not the astral plane or wherever; and that you are really going to find this spirit and everything's going to be great--I'm sorry for you.

Don't feel sorry for me- i think i've found her! It's been an amazing week. For some reason i went out Friday night, something i hardly ever do anymore, but these flyers were posted all over the place at work, and i guess Something wanted me there. It was a typical loud smoky club, and i was wondering what i was doing there when the keyboard player caught my eye and i couldn't look away. There was something about her that i just couldn't get enough of, and i kept drinking in her presence. After a while she noticed me and the connection between our eyes sizzled through the air like an electric arc. I could tell it was having the same effect on her; even the music seemed to reflect it. Suddenly, i was totally absorbed in this experience, so different from anything i'd ever expected to find in this lifetime, which i'd about written off. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before in "real life"; the only thing comparable i can think of was the Meeting i told you about on the Astral Plane.

There was a lot of shouting and confusion after the show, but I was rooted to the spot, and afterwards she came out with a big red welt on her face- and instantly my own face began to burn in the same spot! (She said she'd tried to break up a fight, that there was nothing to worry about, and invited me out for coffee. (Of course, I don't drink that foul stuff, but I'd have gone anywhere she asked.) First, though, she had to clear it with this raw-boned lout who seemed to have some kind of Hold over her; i guess the Flesh dragged her down to his level for a time, probably as a Penance. Being in her presence was a revelation; (fortunately we found a place to talk which had wheat-grass juice as well as coffee) and i was amazed at how Spiritually Evolved she turned out to be. I'm almost sure she's the Lady i need to find, although she tries to deny it. But everything fits so perfectly, it can't be just Chance that we found each other like this.

>The limitations of e-mail therapy are becoming apparent now. If you were here, I could look in your eyes and see if you were under the influence of drugs or hypnosis--this sounds like you've been brainwashed, and my letter-writing seems fairly futile at the moment. Wake up, Peter!

You're right, i was sleep-walking through this Existence; but now i feel i'm waking up. Thank-you, Doctor.

>>(...) there's lots of people in mental hospitals that started out on the same path as me, in India they call them "god-intoxicated". You don't have to warn me of the dangers; i'm aware of them..

>Are you thinking about checking into a mental hospital? In spite of the movies you may have seen, this is not always a bad idea. Think of it as retreating to a neutral corner; pausing to catch your breath. If you are interested, I might be able to arrange something for you; let me know.

I might have done this last week, but Things have changed a lot since then. Right now, there are so many things i've got to do, i just can't spare the time.

>Considering your current life-circumstances, this might be a better alternative than continuing as you have been--it would at least give you time and space to think things through for yourself, and maybe get a handle on your health situation.

Suddenly i feel healthier than ever before. I feel Eliza (i didn't tell you her name before, did i?) has Powers that even she is unaware of, although she is a Sorceress.

>>Because that distant place calls out to me where Souls can mingle and Someone awaits...

And i think i've found her!

>This sounds pre-suicidal to me. Am I wrong? Would involuntary commitment absolve you of the guilt-feelings associated with making a break?

Perhaps I was that way before, but not now. Making a break is another matter, though. I'm still trying to figure out how to tell Her about this- i'm sure she'll understand if i put it in the right way.

>>What do the means matter when an End so transcendent is in sight?

>This little matter of ends and means has gotten many people in trouble before you. Be very careful when you start down this path; it can be very treacherous.

I'm sorry, i have to proceed by any means necessary. Now more than ever, i can't retreat.

>Let me get this straight--you are having "tantric sex" as a spiritual exercise only, with a woman to whom you admit you are not sexually attracted. You are not allowed to have an orgasm, but are expected to act as if you were; although your partner, presumably under no such constraint herself, is aware that you are shamming. And this is what you call "respect"?

It meant so little to me, i couldn't see the harm. But now i'm getting a glimpse of a whole new dimension to this whole Sex thing, and i'm feeling more Shame for what i've done. But i still have to explain it to Her.

>You seem to be under a slight misapprehension. Epilepsy is not one of the things you can choose; it chooses you. You had better deal with it before something really bad happens. Get started on medication now. I will prescribe it myself, if you absolutely won't go to the neurologist, which would really be the best thing to do.

Whatever. But right now i've got so much on my mind, i just can't deal with all this Epilepsy shit. Maybe when things settle down i can start worrying about all that...

>the reason you are still communicating with me is because you desperately need to hear what I've been trying to tell you, and some part of you knows it. Come back to the real world and start dealing with your problems. I'm ready to help you as soon as you decide.

There are so many more important Things to deal with than what you call my "problems". I still really don't care about any of them- let me work it out for myself, okay?

>>(...) i've made my choice, or She has, which amounts to the same thing.

>Only if you have no will of your own.

I'm getting stronger. Maybe my Will is starting to grow back.

>You don't have to follow this dreary path to the end. When you get lost, the best thing to do is to retrace your steps. Turn back now, there's still time.

More than ever, i'm convinced that i need to go onward, not backward.

>You've cut everything else out of your life; no wonder it's seeming insubstantial.

You were totally right about this, i can see my life now from a new perspective. Now all i can think about is the next time i can meet Eliza. Life- even the Animal life i disregarded so totally- seems so much more Meaningful, infused with significance i never saw.

>Are you experiencing fatigue as well as headaches?

I was, but now i'm feeling more energy than i thought was possible.

>Does this happen all the time, sporadically, or in some kind of cycle? Do the headaches and fatigue happen at the same time, or in some relationship to one another?

Don't worry about that stuff. It doesn't matter, i'm fine, really.

>What can I say that you won't dismiss as "stolid rationality"? We were both built capable of reasoning--accepting some things as true and discarding others as false, if they don't meet the standards of rational proof. But for some reason of your own, you have decided to accept things unquestioningly that, if true, would totally contradict the laws of nature.

Perhaps there are "laws of nature" that you have never heard of. How would you explain quantum physics to a caveman? But don't stop being yourself; i've come to depend on you as the Voice of Reason, even if you are a bit limited in your outlook.

>And what do you get out of this? A life as an abject slave. What's the point? I don't get it.

At the time, i didn't care much about what happened in this incarnation, if i could get closer to Eternity. Now i see that i can accomplish much more in one lifetime than i had thought possible- who knows, maybe i'll even lift the Curse.

Wish me Luck, Doctor.

peter hossfeld

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