Transcript of 37th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alex Rozzi, Wednesday, March 18, 1998 at 5:00 pm.

Mr. Rozzi: Hey.
Dr. Balis: Hello, Alex. How are you?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I don't know. Pissed. Frustrated. I guess I'm getting fucking tired of this damned waiting game.
Dr. Balis: What do you mean?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I told you that Benny's trial started. That was last Thursday, and I was all ready for them to call me up to the stand and do my thing, you know? But it's not going the way I thought it would.
Dr. Balis: What happened?
Mr. Rozzi: What happened was those stupid fucking lawyers were busy arguing everything. Every detail, everything! So they are going on and on. And I'm like so over this already, but still they just go on and on and on. We're still on pretrial motions. But the worst part was when Benny came out. He came out, all shackled at first, and my heart stopped for like a minute. But then, they undid those cuff things he had on, and he looked straight up at me.
Dr. Balis: Oh?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, "Oh!" He just lifted his head up--and it was the first time he looked up--and he looked right at me, right into my eyes, like it was natural, like it was meant to happen. And the whole room sort of slanted, and everything went in super slow motion. It was like time just stopped or something. My heart was pounding, and I couldn't take my eyes off him, off his eyes. And he lost a lot of weight, too, probably more than fifty pounds. He's real skinny now, his clothes just clung on him. But we were staring at each other, and my heart was all up in my throat. And then, he sort of frowned and dropped his head down. I knew right then, I knew.
Dr. Balis: What did you know?
Mr. Rozzi: That he never meant things to go this far. That he didn't mean to hurt me. It all came flooding back to me in that instant.
Dr. Balis: Flooding back?
Mr. Rozzi: You know, for an educated guy, you sure have a small vocabulary. Jeez! Yeah, flooding back. I could tell what he was thinking just then, it was just like it used to be between us. I could read him like a book. He didn't mean to hurt me, and he was ashamed of what he did. I could tell.
Dr. Balis: How could you tell that?
Mr. Rozzi: I just could, okay? I just could. He looked, broken when he saw me. That's how I could tell. And it was the first time Luke ever saw Benny. Boy, was he surprised and curious. But those stupid damned lawyers...what good are they anyway? So here we were, listening to the bullshit from these lawyers. Boy, that was the last job I'd ever want. And I was waiting for them to start calling witnesses, but they just kept right on talking. They didn't care that I was all sweaty-palmed and nervous, wanting to get this shit over with, you know? Luke grabbed my knee and held tight to make me stop shaking it, like I just noticed I'm doing right now. See? This is driving me crazy! And, of course, there was Roly.
Dr. Balis: What about him?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, last Wednesday night, the night before the trial started, he paid me another visit. This time, just like all the other times--it's like a broken record or something--he kept repeating himself. First, I woke up, and he was sitting on the edge of my bed and looking at me with a small smile on his face. And I was like, "What do you want now?" He said, "I'm glad you're doing it. This is the right thing to do. But you still got to fix this." And he opened up his hand, and in it was that stupid broken thing of his--whatever that damn thing is--and it was all broken. At first, I thought I knew what he wanted, it was so obvious. But now, I'm not so sure I understand what he's trying to tell me. What is he really trying to tell me?
Dr. Balis: I can see you're feeling very confused. Maybe we could put this aside for the moment so it won't bother you now. Let's figure out the meaning of all this after the trial. What do you think?
Mr. Rozzi: Huh?
Dr. Balis: I don't want you to get all muddled up in trying to figure out Roly's message. And maybe there is no specific message to be learned here.
Mr. Rozzi: What do you mean by that?
Dr. Balis: Well, perhaps these dreams of Roly will go away after the trial is over. I think these dreams are your subconscious working out your anxieties about testifying.
Mr. Rozzi: That I need to do it? To testify? Well, I'm going to testify, duh. And Roly knows that already. So what's the problem? I think Roly is trying to tell me something else, I just don't know what it is yet. So Roly still hangs, subconscious or not. And the trial still goes on and on, without anything happening. This is working my last nerve, you know? When we walked out of the courthouse, Luke got the car and took me out to dinner. Then, we decided to go down to Carmel. He's been so good to me. We walked all up and down that beach. My legs are still kind of aching, and I thought I was in pretty good shape. You know, if my parents had a house right on Carmel beach, I'd never want to leave there. It is such a great place. Luke's dad has this big old stone house right on the beach, and I mean right on the beach.
Dr. Balis: Sounds nice.
Mr. Rozzi: Nice is putting it mildly. It is so awesome! When I'm there, I forget all about my problems. That place is magical or something. It's so refreshing there. The air smells so good, it's like they perfume the air or something. But the thing with Luke is that he hasn't been pressuring me for sex or any other physical contact lately. I never really told him everything--about Joe, that is. But he sensed it, and he accepts it, I think. So I finally told him. I told him everything. And you know what? I felt like that beach out there in front of his dad's house--I was totally wiped out, like twenty feet of sand washed away. But the ocean was calm, like I was, and everything seemed to be okay. We raided his dad's wine cabinet and got out a good bottle of wine, and we drank it together. And then, we messed around for what seemed like hours. I had forgotten what a rush it can be--it had been so long!
Dr. Balis: Well, you do look surprisingly relaxed, other than that shaking leg. I'm proud of you for talking to Luke about Joe. That was a big step.
Mr. Rozzi: And Luke acts like it doesn't matter to him. Not that he doesn't care, but that it's not important. He thinks it doesn't change, I don't know how to say it right. It's coming out all wrong.
Dr. Balis: I think I know what you mean.
Mr. Rozzi: The next morning, Luke and I went out to the beach again, and I found this stick. There's all this driftwood everywhere that's been washed ashore by the storms. I drew this huge mural in the sand before anyone else got there. It took me hours while Luke just sat and watched and laughed out loud a little. After it was all done, I just sat back in the sun. You know, most people didn't walk on it. But these two women and a little girl stopped and admired it. The girl found it first and insisted that the adults stop and look. I was secretly flattered that they were looking at it. And these women sort of both turned and looked at Luke and me, and they smiled in an appreciative kind of way. It was good.
Dr. Balis: Sounds like Carmel was a great getaway for you.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah. But then Monday came around, and we were back in court. The lawyers started arguing about some other stuff, and it occurred to me what they are fighting about--it was about the evidence. They fucked up the evidence somehow. And Benny just sat there, every once in awhile turning around to look for me and making my heart pound again. But just like Cecil mentioned, they have a problem with the damned evidence.
Dr. Balis: What problem?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, they fucked it all up.
Dr. Balis: What happened?
Mr. Rozzi: I'm still not sure yet. I don't know, but something is wrong with the evidence. The judge is deciding whether to throw some of it out--he's deciding if he should make it so they can't use it in court or something. And the trial is on hold until they figure it out. And with Benny turning around every so often to look at me, this is all so frustrating. Oh, and do you want to know about frustrating? I went to go see Jake the other day, to fix things with him. Hey! You don't think that Roly is trying to tell me to fix this, too? No, it couldn't be. But anyway, I go over to the gallery because I wanted to set things right with Jake, and his assistant just made up some lame excuse why Jake couldn't see me then. But they can't get rid of me that easy. I'll go back, because I need Jake to know that I'm okay with things now and that it all worked out all right.
Dr. Balis: I'm glad. But try to be patient with Jake. He might need some time to work things out for himself, too.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I thought of that already. Katherine doesn't have an answer, either. She sort of said the same thing as you. I don't know. The Alliance is cool, though, and I'll be working there this weekend. To start with, I'm going to help them paint backdrops for their stage. Josh and I talked a lot about the different things I can do there. It's all on a volunteer basis, but I figure it's good experience if nothing else.
Dr. Balis: I think that's true, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: So Jake went about things the wrong way. But then this totally unexpected thing came out of it, and how can I be mad anymore? That's all I want to tell him--that I'm not pissed anymore.
Dr. Balis: You'll have your chance to tell him, I'm sure.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, he's going to have to see me one way or another, that's for sure. It's just so frustrating for me--this thing with the trial and then Jake. I don't know.
Dr. Balis: I understand your frustration. Give it time, I think things will work out.
Mr. Rozzi: I guess so. I hate waiting, that's what so frustrating for me, you know?
Dr. Balis: I know. But your patience will pay off in the long run. I encourage you to continue to think things through and take your time. And actually, you seem to be handling things quite well.
Mr. Rozzi: I wish I felt like I was dealing with things well, you know? But at least I've been able to get some sleep again. At night--especially these past few nights since the trial started--I've been so wiped out that I just pass out and sleep through the night without even waking up.
Dr. Balis: Are you feeling rested?
Mr. Rozzi: I guess so. I don't know. I haven't really been paying attention to that. I've just noticed that my sleep is different than usual. I guess it's all this frustration that I'm feeling now. So, I know we're out of time, and I got to go anyway--I need to get caught up on my homework. At least school is working with me. Since the trial started--and no one knows how long it's going to last--I had to miss some school again. But Cecil wrote them a letter explaining about the trial and everything, and they are being pretty cool about it as long as I keep up with my schoolwork.
Dr. Balis: I'm glad you're staying on top of that.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, me too. I don't want any of it to pile up, you know? Well, see you later, Doctor Balis. Oh, and thanks a lot!
Dr. Balis: See you next week, Alex.
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