Monday, May 12, 1997	I received a fax from Martin Silverman respecting a new patient, Alex Rozzi. Martin Silverman is a social worker for the City of San Francisco. Apparently, Alex is a 16 year old male who has been involved in prostitution and most recently assualt. Several times, he has run away from home which consists of Larraine, his young, unmarried mother. Silverman describes Alex as "extremely intelligent with a propensity for fits of anger and uncontrollable rage." Alex has had several encounters with the juvenile justice system. His mother works at SII and so I have been selected for a court ordered psychiatric evaluation and possible treatment. I scheduled an appointment for Alex on Wednesday.
Wednesday, May 14, 1997	2 pm. First Session with Alex Rozzi. I really didn't know what to expect. I have little experience with kids and I've never treated a juvenile male prostitute before. So I was a bit apprehensive. Ironically, Alex's attempt to find his limits with me put me immediately at ease as I told him that he couldn't smoke in my office and reprimanded him for putting out his cigarette on my desk. The actions were so patently designed to challenge my authority and test his limits, that I felt completely comfortable in setting down rules. But I'll try not to fall into the disciplinarian mold with Alex. I think he needs someone who can provide much more positive support than that. Although he looks much older than 15, when he talks he betrays his age, although he is clearly intelligent. Tall, with long black hair, Alex has very white--almost translucent--skin. He moves with attitude but also with a certain grace, like he's modeling his black clothing, and the leather and silver jewelry that he sports. The left side of his nose is pierced with a small silver hoop. Alex told me of some of his criminal activity. In one ruse, he uses some form of drug which renders his victims unconscious and allows him to rob them of their money and jewelry. His current trouble with the authorities stems from an assault charge which left a man hospitalized with damage to the facial nerves. Alex feels no remorse for the incident, believing that he was justified. Alex tells the story without making himself sound like the innocent, which I found interesting. I would imagine that Alex would have accused the man of having started the fight, but Alex said that he punched the man first because the man wanted him to have sex for free. After the man was punched, he started to fight in earnest. I don't have much knowledge of these things, but I have difficulty imagining that the injured trick of an minor prostitute is going to press charges. I assume that the trick wouldn't want to face the criminal penalties associated with having sex with minors. That sense probably pervades Alex's shadowy world--that he is immune from the normal legal strictures because his victims have too much to lose to report his crimes to the police. Alex is amazingly judgmental and critical of his mother. He believes that she is morally his inferior--at least when he has promiscuous sex, he charges for it. Alex seemingly has no male role model in his life, except for Benny--a friend who isn't a prostitute himself but checks up on Alex and makes sure that he hasn't been murdered by one of his clients.
Friday, May 23, 1997	12 pm. Second Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex walked into my office in a fairly foul mood--he found out that he would be required to do some community work as part of his rehab program. Alex thinks of this as another proof that his life is all about not having any choices but just following someone else's commands--his grandparents, his mom, teachers, social workers, and individuals that took advantage of him at different points in his life. While Alex didn't actually came out and said it, he made it plain that he was repeatedly raped by a neighborhood bully when he was about ten. The older Benny saved Alex from the sexual abuse and in the process became his friend. In fact, Benny is much more than just a friend to Alex. Alex describes him as his first love. Alex clearly admires Benny and looks to him for guidance and companionship. But while Benny might have saved Alex from one horrendous situation, he is also, I believe, responsible for getting Alex into prostitution and even drug running. Alex tried to shock me by describing an unpleasant scene--Benny and he engaging in violent sex on the campus of grammar school. Alex said that it was the possibility of being seen by the young children that turned him on the most. By telling me this story, Alex was trying to accomplish two goals: inform me of his preference for homosexual partners outside of his prostitution, and test my willingness to understand and to accept him. I told Alex that I understood the thrill that the possibility of being discovered added to his sexual liaison. It's a fairly common fantasy. What's unpleasant about Alex's story was the fact that it potentially involved little children. But given the fact of his own very abusive childhood, it's not that surprising. Alex described to me today how he found out that Larraine was his real mother. Apparently, for years he was told that his grandparents were actually his parents and that his mother was actually his older sister. It was not until his grandparents died that he finally learned the truth. Alex has never been able to find out who his actual father was--Alex thinks his mother might not know, and even believes that it's possible that she was turning tricks when he was conceived. Alex said that he still has nightmares about this. Several times during this session, Alex broke down into tears, although he refused to admit it and tried to dismiss his tears as allergies. It's clear that Alex is very disturbed by his past and is acting out by putting himself into dangerous situations as a way of dealing with his emotions. One thing that I was relieved about is that Alex is very cautious about sexually transmitted diseases and takes the possibility of getting AIDS and HIV very seriously. He gets tested every six months and so far is negative. Alex talked about writing down his dreams and feelings in a journal. I asked for an opportunity to read it sometime. While the idea of allowing me that close to him was very scary to Alex, he didn't refuse my request outright. I believe that after a few sessions, Alex might actually show me his writings. At the end of our session, I tried to give Alex a visual way of thinking about his bottled-up emotions. I used a bucket and water analogy to describe his emotions. I was trying to tell him that if he didn't talk about his problems and feelings with some one, it would reflect in his life style and choices--prostitution and thrill-seeking being prime examples.
Wednesday, May 28, 1997	12 pm. Third Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex described in some detail how he was stalked by a man who looked familiar but whom Alex couldn't quite place. In my office, Alex suddenly thought that the man looked like the one he assaulted a few weeks ago. I'd like to believe that it was some twinge of conscience on Alex's part, but I don't. I think he really might be the target of that man's revenge. To make it worse, Alex's mother has taken off for over a week, leaving Alex alone in the house. Since Alex is 16, I imagine it wouldn't be considered child abandonment, but it seems close to me. How completely irresponsible! Alex described a series of symptoms which sound a bit like hypomania. Specifically, Alex describes a distinct period of elevated personality lasting several days. During that period, he has a decreased need for sleep, he has a feeling of elation, and he has a pressure to keep moving--psychomotor agitation. I would guess that, during his manic phase, he has excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for unfortunate consequences--specifically sexual indiscretions combined with thrill-seeking. Although I haven't noticed any particular tendency towards depression, I should keep it in mind when treating Alex.
Wednesday, June 11, 1997	12 pm. Fourth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex came in with a large contusion, approximately 8 centimeters in width, on the left side of his forehead. He told me that he was working at a strip club for some extra cash while his mother left him unsupervised, and that the man who has been following him around--the man whom Alex previously assualted--grabbed Alex by the arms and then slammed his own head into Alex's. Alex lost consciousness as a result, and paramedics were called--apparently Alex wasn't brought to a hospital which I thought was standard procedure. Benny and another friend Roly were both present, and they took off after the man--Alex doesn't know what they did to him, but they reported to Alex that he wouldn't have to worry about him again; Alex hopes they killed him. Alex has been suffering severe headaches with rapid onset and rapid resolution since the injury. I urged him to see a neurologist or, failing that, to see his general practicioner. Alex reluctantly agreed. He also was quite resistant to my request that he have his mother call me. Alex believes that his mother is a master manipulator and that she will use her seductive ways to confuse me. I told Alex not to worry. Alex also has a pet rat--Darla--who he brought to the session. I'm not very fond of rats, generally, but Darla seemed harmless and actually could do some impressive feats, such as jumping onto Alex's shoulder on call.
Wednesday, June 18, 1997	12 pm. Fifth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex started the session in a panic because his mother was planning on joining us. She was busy parking the car--she's fussy about getting a parking space that reduces the potential for damage--while Alex told me about her. He's convinced that she is some sort of femme fatale that will use her wiles to ensnare me. He also said that she was on a rampage--ever since she returned from Canada and found that the house had been broken in to. Having met her, I can see what Alex means. She's scattered, and rude, and mean and abusive towards Alex. I tried to point out that Alex has some serious problems--including a possible concussion from the head butt he received two weeks ago--but she dismissed it as an attempt by Alex to seek attention. During the session, Alex had another spell where he hyperventilated and almost became nauseous. I believe that it might be related to the blow on his head, and I urged Ms. Rozzi to have her general practitioner set up Alex with a radiologist to get a set of films. She airily waved off my suggestion. I think she might be a candidate for "Mother of the Year." And Alex was right that she did try to pick me up. I immediately put a stop to that, and frankly, I found her more repellent than sexually appealing, for all her good looks. But I get a feeling that the way she relates to men is primarily oriented around her sexuality and she will have difficulty trying to deal with me in any other way. Alex told me that when she came back from Canada, she brought a man with her whom she claimed was his father. I quizzed her on this, and she said that he had disappeared before learning of her pregnancy with Alex, and that he recently sent her a letter out of the blue. She seemed sincere, but I don't know what to believe. Alex clearly thinks it's a load of crap. He said that she has frequently brought home men whom she wanted him to address as "Daddy." I think that we'll try to set up a session with just Alex's mother so that I can get some of the background that I'm currently missing. My arrangement with Alex was that he would go and smoke a cigarette while I spent a few minutes with his mother. But he just disappeared, without saying anything. I thought that was strange and not typical of Alex, but he was clearly upset by his mother's presence during the session. The weirdest part, though, is that he dropped his wallet in the hallway just outside the pharmacy downstairs. Dick gave me a call and is holding the wallet for me at his store.
Monday, June 23, 1997	5 pm. Session with Larraine Rozzi relating to Alex Rozzi. Larraine came in today to talk about Alex. She is a somewhat hateful woman: vain, selfish, and manipulative. Her best quality, perhaps, is that she has a fair degree of self-knowledge. She admits that she never wanted Alex because of the responsibility that he presents and she doesn't try to color many of the ugly aspects of her relationship with Alex. Apparently, he is staying at the house of someone named Ralph, whom Larraine knows. Larraine believes that Alex's wildness is a reflection of her own when she was his age. But Larraine told me about the circumstances that led her mother to raise Alex as her own child. She also told me about Alex's father Mark--a cocaine dealer who left her alone and pregnant with Alex when he became concerned for his personal safety after his partner was murdered--and how she felt after he abandoned her. Mark's story is that he never knew she was pregnant when he left--and that he had to go or he would have been killed too. Apparently, she was taking illicit drugs while pregnant with Alex and she tried to commit suicide by swallowing a handful of pills. Alex was born by emergency c-section probably somewhat prematurely. Mark contacted Larraine now because he is in a relationship in Canada with which he is unhappy. He has two young girls and a wife, but he (or Larraine) is talking about leaving them and starting a relationship with Larraine. Larraine is completely unconcerned about whether Alex got medical help or not for the significant contusion which he now sports.
Wednesday, June 25, 1997	12 pm. Sixth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex looked much better today--he was more relaxed and his forehead looked almost normal. When I questioned him about running off last time, he told me that he simply couldn't be around his mother any longer and took the opportunity to leave when it presented itself--in the form of a young paramedic named Sael. He did promise never to do run off on me again. That's good--I was very concerned. Alex confirmed that what his mother said to me on Monday--he is staying at the residence of the man named Ralph. This is the same man that hired Alex to perform unusual sexual acts for his pleasure--Alex rolled around naked on buttered slices of white bread. Needless to say, I don't consider Ralph to be an adequate substitute for paternal care. I tried to show my feelings towards Ralph to Alex. Alex clearly believes Ralph to be a positive influence in his life right now, and Ralph seems to be doing a good job of taking care of Alex. Apparently Ralph runs the male strip joint that Alex dances at sometimes. He got a friend of his who is a doctor to check out Alex's head--his conclusion was that it was also a bad concussion. I'm furious at Larraine for not following up on Alex's medical condition. She was completely unconcerned that he skipped his doctor's appointment. I urged Alex to set up another time when he can get a full check up. But I have no confidence that Alex would follow through on that. Alex said that he hates his mother and now he believes that Mark might actually be his biological father. Alex is very upset that his friend and lover Benny is no longer returning his calls and is otherwise avoiding him. Benny is married and has a little girl. Alex apparently feels stronger about Benny than Benny does about Alex. So the situation is ripe for pain all around. I tried to talk Alex through some of it, but he is not in the mood to hear anything negative about Benny just yet. Alex admitted that he was in love with Benny.
Wednesday, July 2, 1997	12 pm. Seventh Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex is complaining of some panic symptoms and apprehension which he believes stems from the head butt incident of several weeks ago. But he is still unwilling to be checked out by his physician. Alex told me that he went on a car trip down south to the log cabin of Ralph--the trick he's been staying with for the last week or so. They came back in time for the Gay Pride Parade on Sunday, where Alex verbally mixed it up with a protester from the religious right. She believed that gays were recruited from among the youth, and Alex made the novel point that if a policy of recruitment was in operation, there wouldn't be so many unattractive men among the gay people at the parade. The recruiters would target the attractive youths. She wasn't convinced. Apropos of nothing, I remember an issue of National Lampoon when I was a teenager called: "The Gayish Issue." Part of it had roving gangs of gays who would kidnap innocent youth and force them to learn how to dress fashionably and how to decorate a room with style. They'd make them learn to cook omelettes and how to choose an appropriate white wine--stuff like that. They had a before picture of this one nebbish kid--but the after picture was an image of Jean-Claude Killy. I thought it was funny. Anyway, apparently the confrontation attracted a few other marchers and protesters and it got heated. Alex slipped away before the police arrived and started to make arrests. Alex is still upset about Benny's attempt to break up with him. Roly went to see Benny and confirmed that Dora took the baby and left him. Perhaps Benny sacrificed Alex to try to convince Dora to return to him. Alex later told me that, although he tried to get Benny to tell him that he loved him over the years, he was never successful. Alex told me an interesting story about his childhood. He remembers going to a department store with his grandmother when he was about 5 or 6, and hiding in a rack of clothes and watching in amusement while the adults panicked and tried to find him. Although Alex has tried to have as little contact with his mother as possible, she went to see him at Ralph's. Alex said that he was surprised, mostly because she made an effort to be nice to him. She apparently took my advice, and told him about Mark and herself and what Mark told her about leaving to keep her from being involved in any retribution for his criminal drug activities. Alex found none of it very shocking, except for a picture which she produced showing her with Mark at about the time that Alex was born. Alex said that Mark looked a lot like he does now. Alex also told me that he has a talent and a passion for cooking, which I was surprised to hear about. He has a secret desire to attend the California Cooking Academy. I urged him to try to pursue his ambition.
Wednesday, July 9, 1997	12 pm. Eighth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex's life is crowded with incident. He is becoming increasingly obsessed with trying to find out why Benny has dropped him as a friend. Roly, another friend who knows both of them, seemingly has some information, but he isn't telling Alex. So Alex followed Roly to Benny's house and tried to spy on them through a window. But he slipped and caught his nose ring--I've always thought they were dangerous--on something. It tore the nasal vestibule. Alex said that it looked worse than it felt. When he fell, he alerted Benny and Roly to his presence, and they confronted him outside. Alex demanded an explanation of why Benny wouldn't talk to him, and Benny laughed at Alex. Alex lost control and assaulted Benny, causing him to have a bleeding head injury of some kind. Alex thought that Benny was about to say something, but then Benny's expression changed and he ordered Alex away forever. Alex believes that he has destroyed any chance of reconciliation with Benny. But Alex is tortured by not knowing why Benny is acting the way he is. It's as if the not knowing is worse than the termination of the relationship. Alex took his tour through the California Culinary Academy, and liked it very much. He even speaks a little French. And he had an unplanned conversation with Mark, his father. Mark told him about why he left his mother, and showed Alex pictures of his half sisters in Canada. Alex said that he strongly resembles both Mark and his half sisters.
Wednesday, July 23, 1997	12 pm. Ninth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex discovered why he has been dropped as a friend and a lover by Benny. It turns out that Benny is a confirmed pedophile and Alex is just too old for him now. Benny is apparently in police custody following their discovery of his molestation of a 12 year old boy. Alex had staked out Benny's house. When no one came in for several days, Alex, who knew the location of a spare key, entered the house. In Benny's bedroom, Alex discovered video tapes, surreptitiously shot, which depicted Benny having sex with numerous young boys including Alex. Although Alex described a feeling of being unclean and tainted--he spent considerable time in the shower scrubbing at his skin--Alex still can't admit to himself on some level that Benny used him. He says that he feels tainted and dirty and he is clearly angry, but he still says that he loves Benny and that Benny took care of him. Alex feels guilty because he derived sexual pleasure from Benny's actions, even if they occurred when he was very young. I tried to explain to Alex that, as humans, we are designed to feel sexual pleasure upon certain stimulus, but that initiating sexual activity with a very young boy was still an act which harmed the victim emotionally and mentally, even if the victim experienced sexual pleasure. Although I urged Alex to turn the tapes over to the authorities, Alex strongly resisted. So I told Alex that he should at least put the tapes back where he found them. I think it likely that the police will eventually get around to searching Benny's residence and will find the tapes. Alex doesn't want anyone seeing the tapes of himself and Benny together, and I certainly understand how he could feel that way. But the other tapes should be adequate to convict Benny. Alex complained of insomnia and he had clearly not slept in several days. So I decided to prescribe quazepam on an as-needed basis, 7.5 mg at bedtime, 15 tabs total. The consent form which Alex's mother signed allowed me to prescribe drugs for Alex's benefit, so I wrote the prescription directly to Alex. He told me that he was hesitant about taking the drugs, but that he'd have the prescription filled.
Wednesday, July 30, 1997	12 pm. Tenth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex is having trouble understanding his feelings regarding Benny and his incarceration for child molestation. We spent most of the session trying to explore those feelings in ways that I thought Alex would accept. If I had asked Alex head on to talk about this issue, I think he would have shut down. But by talking around the issue, Alex revealed a great deal of violent anger toward Benny. He described a particularly violent fantasy where Benny was getting publicly flogged by his victims and their families. He clearly tried to get a reaction out of me as well by describing the fantasy in gory detail. Alex said that he's finally getting some sleep although he's not using the quazepam which I prescribed. And Alex reports that he quit smoking cigarettes. Marnie, Alex's ex-babysitter, surprised him by showing up unexpectedly where Alex is living. Alex clearly has a lot of affection and respect towards Marnie, although I somehow doubt that she's everything I could desire in an adult role model. But perhaps I'm wrong. We talked a bit about Benny's pornographic tapes which depict minors surreptitiously caught on tape engaging in sexual acts with Benny. Apparently, Alex has burned a number of the tapes, particularly the ones that depict either him or Roly. I urged Alex to turn any remaining tapes that he had in his possession over to the police. But Alex resists that suggestion. Alex brought up the time that his house was broken into while his mother was away in Canada. Alex believes that Benny broke in to find a misplaced video cassette showing Benny engaged in a sexual act with some minor. Benny was apparently frantic to get his hands on the tape, but ultimately, it turned out that the tape had been discovered by his wife. It was she who turned the tape over to the authorities, precipitating Benny's arrest and incarceration. It was also the reason Dora left him and took their child. Alex said that while he was getting Benny's tapes, he also picked up some drawings of cars that he had made and given to Benny. Apparently Alex has some artistic abilities. When I asked Alex to tell me a little more about his artistic efforts, he was very enthusiastic, saying that no one, including Benny, had shown any kind of interest in his talent before. Alex said that he primarily uses pen and ink for his creations, but lately he has been experimenting with color. What with his culinary ambitions and his artistic aspirations, Alex appears to have a creative bent which should probably be explored. I asked Alex to show me some of these drawings and he said that he'd bring some in.
Wednesday, August 6, 1997	12 pm. Eleventh Session with Alex Rozzi. Suddenly Alex is seeing himself as a victim. Instead of being the sure, confident young man that he's always been before, suddenly Alex is displaying the classic signs of someone suffering from childhood sexual abuse. He says he doesn't feel safe anymore. He says that he can't seem to look people straight in the eye. He says that other people can tell just by looking at him what happened. He's lashing out more. He says he feels dirty and used-up. He says that he is of no use to anyone. He thinks that he is now "totally fucked-up." I haven't quite understood why Alex has undergone this sudden shift in his outlook. Several weeks ago, he was in love with Benny, his abuser. Then Benny broke up with him and he found that he had been used--videotaped engaging in sex with Benny. I would understand a myriad of responses to that--including many that Alex previously exhibited--rage, pain, and a feeling of being dirty and used. But now Alex has taken on the role of the victim in a way that almost makes me think that I am being conned for some reason. I don't think I am, but there is an element of the theatrical in Alex's crisis. I think that Alex is subconsciously slipping into the role that everyone is expecting of him. The tapes have been turned over to the police, and Alex has been interviewed by the authorities. Alex's mother is back on the scene, evincing concern about Alex. His father has moved back with his mother, bringing with him two daughters--Alex's younger half sisters. Alex's mother is making an effort to reunite her family. Alex might feel that while he was on the streets by himself, he could have one attitude, but now that he is rejoining the family, he needs to justify his previous actions and take on the persona of the victim--a play for sympathy rather than condemnation. In particular, Alex's father might have difficulty understanding Alex's history as an underage gay prostitute as a matter of choice, but as a child forced into it by someone else who is now incarcerated, Alex's past history might be a lot easier for him accept. And in the role of a victim, Alex doesn't have to account for his actions or explain them. Everything is explained for him. As a victim, all his actions subsequent to the molestation are forgiven.
Wednesday, August 13, 1997	12 pm. Twelfth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex was decidedly upbeat during this session, almost strangely so. There seemed to be a tinge of hysteria just under the surface. Apparently, Alex has been trying to exorcise the demons which have tormented him since he found out that Benny had been using him to satisfy his pedophiliac lust. When Alex found out that Benny's interest in him was motivated by perversion rather than affection, all of the sexual acts which Alex had happily engaged in when he thought that the two of them were in love became memories of being used and abused . Benny's wife Dora called Alex and told him that Benny tried to commit suicide in his cell and was placed in the prison's psychiatric ward. Alex has no sympathy for Benny's current predicament and plans to testify against him. Alex told me that Roly's reaction to discovering Benny's pedophilia has been more severe than his own. Watching Roly break apart motivated Alex to try to avoid a similar self destruction. The night after Dora called him to tell him about Benny's suicide attempt, Alex and Roly snuck into Benny's backyard teahouse to drink a bottle of tequila and smoke some marijuana together. With an intent to destroy Benny's cars, they broke into his garage and started to smash at his car with sledgehammers. Screaming and smashing in the middle of the night, I'm amazed that the police didn't come. But Dora did. Alex turned around and saw her standing, crying and child-like, but making no move to try to stop them. Alex said that the image of her standing there weeping was very sad. They all reacted emotionally and had a "group cry" as Alex put it. Dora told them that they needed to forgive Benny, but Roly and Alex aren't ready to do that yet. So Alex and Roly left Benny's house and they went to sit on some girders underneath the Golden Gate Bridge. I think that Alex got violently sick there. Roly "freaked out," as Alex put it. The police were called and Roly was arrested for public drunkenness. But afterwards, Alex was left to himself, and he spent much of the night sitting underneath the bridge thinking about his life. He made some decisions, all positive. He decided that he wants to get a high school equivalency degree and he wants to apply to a school that will allow him to exercise his creativity, perhaps the Culinary Academy or an art school. Alex thought about the possibility of rejoining his family as well. The impetus, apparently, is his two half sisters, Racyl and Rhea, thirteen and twelve respectively. Alex was rather surprised to discover himself feeling brotherly affection towards them. Alex has fantasized about being part of a big family, but as it came to pass, he felt himself an outsider. I told him that feeling was likely to be temporary and that he would soon adjust to his new circumstances.
Wednesday, August 20, 1997	12 pm. Thirteenth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex seems to be vacillating between trust and suspicion in all his interpersonal relationships. He wants to return home, and yet he feels there is something odd there--he believes something is wrong with his mother's behavior and he thinks that she might be dying. Alex also noted that he is suspicious about the circumstances surrounding Mark's custody of his two daughters. Alex points out that just a few months ago, Mark was living with his wife and daughters in Canada. Now, Mark shows up saying that he is divorced and has custody of the daughters. Alex said that he didn't believe that bureaucracy moves substantially more rapidly in Canada than it does in the U.S., so how could this be? I have to admit he has a point. Alex also praised his relationship with Ralph, but it was obviously hollow. When I probed, he told me that Ralph had introduced Alex to his friend--an elderly art teacher. When Ralph left the two of them alone in his house, the art teacher behaved strangely--Alex thought that he was trying to make a move on him and was upset with Ralph for prostituting him in this way. But although Alex is eager to dismiss that experience as his imagination, there might be something to his intuition. Ralph is obviously a pedophile and his friends are possibly similarly inclined. And it wouldn't be far-fetched to believe that Ralph had told his friend that Alex used to be a prostitute, which would account for the drooling licentious behavior on the part of the art teacher. This whole incident reminded Alex about Tony--Marney's little brother who was also an underaged prostitute in San Francisco. Tony disappeared several years ago, although he still leaves cryptic messages for Alex on his telephone answering machine from time to time. Alex thinks he might have gotten involved permanently with an older trick and perhaps was under the influence of narcotics. Alex also told me about Roly. Apparently Roly is being held in some mental health facility. Alex visited him and was disturbed by Roly's vacant expression. Alex believes that even though Roly is no longer a minor, Roly's father is somehow using his money and power to keep Roly drugged and held in that facility. I explained to Alex that treatment decisions were made by Roly's doctors, but Alex wasn't buying it. It seems to me that Alex is desperate to rationalize away the disturbing events in his life and to rationalize the actions of the people closest to him. But Alex's intelligence makes him unable to let go of his suspicions. So Alex is trying to keep himself busy as a way to avoid thinking and dealing with his problems. At the beginning of the session, he hinted that he was having difficulty focusing. My guess is that, instead, Alex is having difficulty in being able to avoid a constant churning in his mind of disturbing events and troubling motivations. Alex told me that he had received an admission package from the Culinary Academy, although he believes that it will be at least a year until he has a GED and can consider attending.
Wednesday, August 27, 1997	12 pm. Fourteenth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex admitted to smoking marijuana with Roly. He mentioned several times before that Roly smoked pot, but I don't think he ever admitted to doing it himself. I tried to press him on this issue, but Alex was very volatile today--he was constantly on the defensive, he accused me of "coming down" on him, he expressed his distrust of me, and was generally very jumpy. Alex also told me that he helped Roly to escape from the mental facility Roly was residing at. Apparently Roly stopped taking his drugs, flushed them down the toilet, and begged Alex to help him get out of that place. I told Alex that he should try to convince Roly that what he's done was dangerous and that for his own health he should seek medical help. But I doubt that Roly would do this. Benny tried contacting Alex--he called him at Ralph's and asked for his help. Alex told me that Benny's voice had a very strong affect on him, but he managed to stand his ground and even laughed at Benny's request for help. Dora told Benny about his car--Roly and Alex trashed it a few weeks ago. But Dora also made Benny believe that Alex was responsible for putting him in jail. Benny threatened revenge for himself and his car. Alex said that he has nightmares about Benny all the time, and with Benny's threat they are even more pronounced. Alex also told me that he had bad dreams about the old lecherous art teacher that Ralph introduced him to. But Alex did confront Ralph about his friend, and while Ralph confirmed Alex's suspicions about that man's intentions, Ralph also managed to make Alex feel better and less apprehensive about it. Alex also confronted his mom. Last week, Alex told me that he was very worried about her health. But when Alex pressed his mom with his worries, she got angry and that conversation was cut short. Alex didn't stop his investigations there. He got into his mom's house when no one was there and looked through Mark's papers. He found a photograph of Mark's ex-wife and some letters from her addressed to Mark and the girls. Based on the information he discovered, Alex now believes that Mark might not actually be divorced and that his wife Lori might be in jail. While I didn't see those letters, based on Alex's descriptions, I have to say that I'm very suspicious of Mark as well. I don't think there was enough time for him to get a divorce, and like Alex I find his daughters lack of interest in their mother disturbing. Also, based on the reactions and symptoms that Alex described, I'm beginning to speculate that Alex's mom might be pregnant with Mark's child. This would certainly explain her frequent trips to the bathroom and general malaise, and Mark's strange response to Alex's questioning him about his mother. All this is taking a very strong toll on Alex. He is having problems sleeping and he complains of his mind constantly wandering and worrying about his circumstances. And he was clearly edgy during out entire session. I suggested trying to use physical actions to help Alex focus on the here and now--stomping his feet on the floor, slapping his hands, or any other physical action that would help to disrupt Alex's train of thoughts. This is a little thing, but it might help. I'll see how well Alex is doing next week.
Wednesday, September 3, 1997	12 pm. Fifteenth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex seemed to almost turn a corner for me today. He is starting to think about the future, and to see his choices as having consequences. Don't misunderstand that this is a total victory for adulthood--far from it. But Alex is starting to mature. He's even agreed to use a bicycle helmet. Alex believes that something about him causes the people he cares about to leave. I pointed out the obvious fallacies in Alex's magical thinking--his grandparents left because they died, for example. But we did touch a number of important items. Benny called a second time and threatened Alex. Alex used the occasion to finger Dora as the one who turned the incriminating videotape over to the police. The call shook Alex, and he has had a recurrence of his nightmares, probably as a result. While Alex thought about Benny in jail, he started to loudly laugh at his taunting jests about Benny being sexually abused by the other prisoners--his laughter became almost hysterical in quality. Alex also got a phone call from Tony, Marnie's lost brother, and was able to visit him briefly. Tony has become addicted to "crank" (heroin or speed, in my day) and is being held captive, although apparently not against his will, by an older man who Alex believes will kill Tony if he tries to escape. My guess is that Tony is unwilling to give up his supply of narcotics. Alex hasn't told Marnie where her brother is, or even that he's seen him. Alex is afraid that Marnie will want Alex to help her in rescuing her brother--even when he doesn't want to be rescued. Alex doesn't really know what to do. I advised him that he had to let Tony's sister know where he was, and I reminded Alex how it would feel if he were in Marnie's position. He was ready to be empathetic, even if he was still concerned about Marnie would expect from him. Alex let me have a Xerox of a drawing that he created--a portrait of the Fleetwood Mac vocalist, Stevie Nicks. Alex has some aspirations towards art--he said that it helps focus him, in a manner similar to what I was trying to accomplish with the knee slapping. Alex answered the phone at his mom's place, and had a brief conversation with Lori, Mark's previous significant other. Lori told Alex that she was on her way to San Francisco and couldn't wait to be reunited with her family--which sounded odd, especially if Mark and Lori are supposed to be divorced. Furthermore, Alex got the distinct impression that Lori was running away from something. There's also a chance that his mother is pregnant. Alex has a lot of issues that he has to deal with in his life right now--he will start high school next week. And he has to confront a host of family problems. With Alex's new found maturity, I think that he has the coping skills necessary to overcome them.
Wednesday, September 10, 1997	5 pm. Sixteenth Session with Alex Rozzi. I am very worried about Alex--not because of his mental health but rather because of the dangerous heroics he is planning to free his friend Tony from the bondage of drug addiction and sexual slavery. I thought about suggesting police involvement, but I knew Alex wouldn't hear of it, and he might be right. He has found Roly, and the two of them plan to go themselves to free Tony by force, if need be. The "self help" remedy is obviously very risky--and Tony also might not react the way that Alex envisions. Alex started school and his only positive comment involved art classes. Alex gave me a little inspirational lecture about how many of the good things in life are free. I had a feeling that he was practicing it on me prior to trying it on someone else, but it didn't feel like it particularly represented his personal feelings. What I got was a certain amount of envy over Roly's ability to purchase things that Alex can't afford--specifically a large CD collection. Ralph bought a punching bag for Alex and encouraged him to visualize the sources of his aggression by writing on the bag with a marker and then punching away. It really seemed to work for Alex, who was captivated by the idea. So every day, Alex has wailed away on this bag after having marked it "Die Benny" and "Fuck you Dad." Later in the session, when he revealed a great deal of hostility towards his mother (who is pregnant), I suggested that he might add her name to the bag. It hadn't occurred to him, although he found the idea immediately captivating. Alex's feelings towards the pregnancy are quite strong and negative. He voiced a hope that his mother would suffer as much as possible throughout. I'm not really quite sure I understand why his feelings towards an infant sibling are so pronounced.
Wednesday, September 17, 1997	5 pm. Seventeenth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex has been suspended from school with a possible expulsion. He was in a fight--he's sporting a black eye. And even though his intentions were honorable--he was trying to protect a younger student from a school bully--he's still in a lot of trouble. I hope he will manage to work things out and get back to school in the near future, but we didn't have a chance to talk much about the importance of education. We did cover some very important ground today. We talked more about Alex's feeling for his mother. He feels a lot of anger and resentment toward her. He's very hostile toward his mother's pregnancy and the idea of another baby. He kept insisting that his mom was too old to have children. I pointed out that 32 is a very reasonable age for childbearing. What Alex is really upset about is that this time his mother wants to have the child. She really wants this baby. She's trying hard to be good to herself--to eat healthy and get plenty of rest--to insure that her baby will be okay. Alex hates the fact that when his mom was pregnant with him, she purposely did things that could hurt her baby--she took drugs, even tried to induce a miscarriage. And then finally, she gave Alex away to her parents to raise as their own. Alex kept repeating: "She doesn't want me. She never wanted me and she never will." Alex added his mother to the list of people on his patching bag and has been relieving his aggressions toward her in that manner. We also talked a bit about Tony. Alex and Roly weren't able to rescue him from the clutches of his sex-master. And from everything Alex's been telling me about the man that is keeping Tony, he's very bad news. I'm very worried about Alex. I think there's a high probability that he might get in a lot of trouble trying to save Tony. Alex, Roly, and Tony's sister Marney are going to attempt to get Tony again this weekend. I tried suggesting that hiring a detective might be a better way to go. They are professionals and know how to handle these kind of situations. Tony's parents would probably insist on hiring a detective if they knew the danger in which their daughter was putting herself in trying to save him. Of course, Alex will do what he will do. I can only hope that everything will turn out okay. Alex also told me about a foray into modeling. He came in dressed in somewhat outrageous fashion today. He said that his outfit was especially designed for him by Nala of San Francisco. I have no idea who she is, but Alex insisted that she was big in the world of fashion--he chided me for being so out of it. He also told me that this is not the first time he was interested or was asked to model. Apparently, when he was younger, he even did some live shows. But his grandfather--father, as Alex calls him--was very much against it. He thought that modeling was for "sissy boys." Alex described an incident during which his grandfather was physically abusive to his grandmother over an argument about modeling. Alex said that he wished him dead at that moment, and even went around telling people that he had died. When that got back to his grandfather, Alex ended up in a lot of trouble. Alex said that he now thinks it was wrong of him to wish his grandfather's death.
Wednesday, October 1, 1997	5 pm. Eighteenth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex disclosed a fantasy about running away to join the circus, which really is an expression of his desire for independence. He won't be eighteen until January 1999, and he is frustrated by the age requirements which won't allow him to take his GED exam. Alex has worked as a male prostitute, but he desires the ability to earn his living legally. Ironically, society's rules designed to protect children, force Alex into illegal and dangerous activities in order to survive. I urged Alex to take advantage of his current stable living situation to complete high school, but Alex brushed off my advice. The conversation turned to Tony, who has had a remarkable change of circumstances. After the failed intercession, Tony was badly beaten and required hospitalization. Tim, his tormentor, is dead of a drug overdose, and Tony turns out to be the main beneficiary under his will--and is now the new owner of a successful leather store on Polk Street. Tony is currently in the highly regarded drug rehabilitation facility in St. Helena. I can't think of another situation where one has moved from being so low to so high in the space of a week--from abject, abused sex slave to business owner in rehabilitation. I hope that Tony turns out to be a success story after all. Benny's trial looms large in Alex's life. He is being threatened and told not to testify by anonymous written messages sent from someone not currently in prison. That sparked a reminiscence by Alex of his father being similarly threatened when he was going to testify as to a murder he witnessed. Alex believes that marked the beginning of his father's objectional behavior towards Alex--mostly directed against any notion of Alex's homosexual preferences. I decided to question Alex on his homosexuality--obviously, he'd made it clear enough, but I've never heard him identify himself as gay. He couldn't believe that I didn't know--and of course I did know--but he admitted that he was and asked me if I had a problem with it. I naturally turned the question around, and asked him if he had a problem with it. And he certainly did. He stammered and turned red. It was if he had been caught in a lie, or something. Alex doesn't identify himself as part of the homosexual community, was what I gathered. He thinks of himself as an atypical homosexual, but he was clearly unwilling to talk further about this subject. Perhaps it is his father's homophobia which has made him so skittish on this subject, or perhaps something else is going on. We'll have to explore this in greater depth in a future session.
Wednesday, October 8, 1997	5 pm. Nineteenth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex met Katherine Lippard outside of my office over the last few weeks and they've formed a friendship of sorts. She gave him Jake's business card after seeing some of Alex's drawings, which thrilled Alex. He was very happy that someone thought he had some artistic talent. More than that, Alex has become a big fan of Katherine--mostly in admiration of her controlled, focused, businesslike persona. He contrasts her with his mother and Katherine comes out on top. Alex told me that he had sabotaged his modeling career. Alex was working with Nala on a modeling show for Macys and he ended up physically assaulting one of the other models--he decked some guy who was deliberately provoking him. Apparently, the other guy admitted that he had been yanking Alex's chain, but of course Alex had already savaged his modeling career. All the advertising work that he was going to have dried up. I spent some time trying to give Alex the tools that he needs in order to control his violent temper, and I thought that this time, Alex really regretted his actions. The lure of the modeling career being yanked away so precipitously might have really made an impression. Alex is still getting threatening mail related to his planned testimony against Benny. He's turned all of it over to a lawyer who has contacted the district attorney. Alex seems remarkably unperturbed by it--he seems like he is looking forward to his opportunity to testify against Benny. We spoke about Alex's grandfather--whom Alex always refers to as his father--and I tried to elicit some positive memories. Alex said that when he was about six, he remembers hiking to the top of a mountain with his grandparents and flying kites with his grandfather. He remembers his grandfather had a big smile and that they were all happy. Alex became quite emotional over this memory, although it had no dramatic content--just a time when they were all happy together. Alex told me that Roly has descended to depths of wretchedness such that even Alex doesn't really want to be around him anymore. Roly is homeless and acts erratic and crazy. Alex sees himself in Roly in a "it could be me" way. But Alex recognizes that Roly isn't interested in accepting help right now.
Wednesday, October 15, 1997	5 pm. Twentieth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex looked quite run-down today. I think he might be coming down with a cold or flu; he said that he was experiencing some stomach distress. In addition to his physical condition, Alex said that he has been suffering agonies of self-doubt since allowing his work to be submitted to the Range Galleries, which Katherine's boyfriend Jake runs. Alex is expecting Jake to reject his work and is afraid that it will be crushing to be rejected. Alex is just 17 and has had no formal art training. If something does happen with Jake, it'll be a miracle--things like that don't just happen too often in the real world. It's important to try to give Alex some real expectations without coming off as unsupportive. Just because Alex may get rejected, he shouldn't stop drawing. People get rejected all the time. We might spend some time talking more about the passion of an artist. Among those I consider true artists, the need to do their art is much more important than the need to make money doing it--it's a need to express themselves that is the primary motivator. Alex told me that although his family knows that he is gay, he closets himself more than I would have expected--particularly at his school. Apparently, Alex also had a gay cousin Randy--Aunt Sofie's son--who died of AIDS in the early eighties. Aunt Sofie tried to engineer a reconciliation between Alex and his mother, but it didn't go well. Alex's mother, now quite pregnant, together with Alex, who is openly hostile to his mother's pregnancy, was not a good combination. They fought and their relationship is now more icy than before. I suggested that he might wait out his mother's pregnancy before seeking new opportunities for interaction, although I recognize that Alex is currently living in the house of a pedophile, although somewhat benign. Given a choice between his family, Ralph, and the streets, I can't exactly urge Alex to abandon his current living arrangements. Alex believes that Mark's wife is in a mental hospital in Canada being treated for schizophrenia. Alex also told me that he is now dating Luke, the model who's constant harassment irritated Alex so much during the Macy's show that he ended up assaulting him. Apparently, Alex is somewhat taken with this guy--the first boyfriend Alex has had of his own age--although he is not sure he is ready for a sexual relationship with him yet. I urged him to be as open and honest as possible with Luke and at least find out early if Luke doesn't respect his feelings and wishes. Alex gave me another drawing--a study of a piece which Alex is showing to Jake. It depicts a genii in an Arabian Nights locale.
Wednesday, October 22, 1997	5 pm. Twenty-First Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex's relationship with Luke is progressing quickly into something serious, but Alex is afraid of disclosing his problems with Benny. He's worried that Luke will shy away from someone with the type of problems that Alex has. I, of course, counseled honesty. Benny has acquired private legal counsel and is seeking psychiatric examinations which will delay the proceedings--and frustrate Alex whose strong desire is to testify and get on with his life. I was surprised that Alex talked about his relationship to Luke with Ralph. Alex said that Ralph approves of his relationship with Luke. I expected that Alex would keep the relationship secret from Ralph--I suspected that Alex and Ralph were still physically involved, even though Alex hasn't talked about that with me since the days when Ralph was getting Alex to roll around naked on buttered slices of bread. Alex met with Jake who seemed to like his artwork. He's hanging two paintings up in the gallery and gave Alex some numbers of people to talk to for art services, including one outfit which matches illustrators with children's book authors. Alex is very enthusiastic, although perhaps just a bit wary.
Wednesday, October 29, 1997	5 pm. Twenty-Second Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex came in tired and upset. He was unhappy that Katherine left her session without saying hello to him. He felt that Jake had just humored him, even though Jake has hung two of his paintings in the gallery. He met with Eleanor, the woman from the children's book company, who told him that he wasn't yet ready to produce art professionally. But really, Alex was frayed from the revelation that Ralph has AIDS. Apparently, Ralph has been undergoing treatment for AIDS for the past 10 years and has been having remarkable results with the Crixovan treatment. Alex was stung by the news and was terrified by the idea of Ralph's mortality--he thinks of Ralph as his only family. And Alex told me that he is really all of the family that Ralph has--there are no siblings or parents that Alex knows of. Ralph confessed to Alex that he didn't know how old Alex was when he hired him as a male prostitute to roll around naked on buttered slices of white bread. And Alex told me that Ralph and he have never had a sexual relationship, except for the bread episode. I note that Alex's fear of separation is so acute that he reacted to Ralph's illness with an instinct to flee--although what he was afraid of was clearly abandonment and not some fear of falling ill himself by contact with an AIDS patient. I tried to reassure Alex that AIDS was no longer the death sentence that it used to be, although I am worried about the flu symptoms that Ralph currently exhibits. I urged Alex to take the quazepam I prescribed if he felt further insomnia, but Alex resisted because he said he doesn't want to feel drugged. Alex said that he paints during his sleepless periods and is at work on a large canvas depicting a car using using a stippling technique. He gave me a drawing which he called "Performance Anxiety" depicting a man, obviously late, racing towards a concert in full dress while heavily burdened with a cello.
Wednesday, November 12, 1997	5 pm. Twenty-Third Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex described a two day ramble--wandering around the city, walking across the Golden Gate Bridge, wandering around Sausalito, sleeping under the bridge girders and then walking back and through the city. When Alex first talked about it, he said things like he was lucky that he hadn't been hit by a car and that it was like he was sleep-walking. Obviously, I thought it possible that Alex was in some form of fugue state. I said as much to Alex and he seemed intrigued, but ultimately he rejected the suggestion. Alex insisted he just spent the time thinking and that he was aware of events around him. Alex is still obviously fatigued and is reluctant to even try the quazapam I prescribed because he is sure that he'll feel drugged. I suggested he try melatonin. Alex told me that Ralph was hospitalized, but apparently because of food poisoning rather than the flu. Lately, he's substantially recovered. But Ralph was just a trigger for Alex's pensive meandering. He is also preoccupied with worry over Benny and Tony, particularly. He walked past Jake's gallery and noticed that his painting had been taken down, which surprisingly didn't upset Alex too much--he said that he would never have been able to top the success he'd have felt if the painting had sold. I think it possible that Alex has a mild form of situationally antagonized clinical depression. I noticed a good deal of psychomotor agitation during this session, and Alex told me how he was unable to sleep because he was unable to rest his racing, worried thoughts. I gave Alex a pamphlet on depression and suggested to Alex that he might do some further research at the library.
Wednesday, November 19, 1997	5 pm. Twenty-Fourth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex actually did read up on depression and tried to fit the symptoms that he read about with his own experience. He was particularly impressed with the symptoms of manic depression, noting a certain inflated grandiosity of thought and a running internal monologue which sometimes is symptomatic of manic episodes. However, I've seen little to suggest that Alex is bipolar. Rather, Alex seems to suffer from a mild form of clinically significant but situationally antagonized depression. I've asked Alex to take either the quazapam or the melatonin to sleep well all next week, so that we can assess which symptoms unrelated to the insomnia to determine an appropriate treatment plan. Alex consummated his relationship with Luke during a trip to Carmel--apparently a good experience. He also put out a garbage can fire accidentally started by a tenant of Ralph's who appears to be a habitual and frequent substance abuser.
Wednesday, November 26, 1997	5 pm. Twenty-Fifth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex was ebullent during today's session. I allowed him to roam across a number of topics, because I was interested in trying to evaluate his possible depression after he had gotten some sleep. With the exception of Thursday night--where he had a drama involving the police and Ralph's tenant in back--Alex has been getting sleep. When he's not exhausted, he's naturally very enthuasiastic and upbeat. I don't think it's mania, exactly, and I've yet to observe a cyclic rhythm in Alex's behavior. So Alex is enthuasiastic that Katherine Lippard invited him to meet Phil and see his mural. Jake has hung his painting in his office, which Alex takes as a positive sign. The tenant who lives behind Alex at Ralph's apparently has a fascination with guns which led to a confrontation with the police. He's been taken away. Tony is back from drug rehab, which is making Alex's boyfriend Luke jealous. Alex was also speaking of his mother in very positive terms--he invited me to Thanksgiving dinner there and sounded sure that everyone was going to have a great time. He's invited both Tony and Luke, trying to convince Luke that there is nothing to be jealous of respecting Tony, who's just a friend. Alex spoke a bit of feeling wistful about last Thanksgiving, which he spent with Benny and Dora. It was Benny's birthday, and Alex remembers that he loved Benny at the time and thought of him as a father, a lover, and a friend. And now, Benny is in jail and Alex feels betrayed. I told Alex that it was perfectly normal to have conflicting feelings and he was likely to think of Benny every once in a while for years to come.
Wednesday, December 3, 1997	4 pm. Twenty-Eighth Session with Katherine Lippard respecting Alex Rozzi. Katherine is not emotionally satisfied with her relationship with Jake either, whatever she professes to me. We started to talk about Alex Rozzi, and Katherine admitted that she had briefly thought of him as a romantic prospect before realizing how young he was and his sexual orientation. So she's looking. Katherine took Alex over to meet Phil on Wednesday. Alex was apparently attracted to Phil, but Phil was oblivious of Alex's interest. After supper, Katherine took Alex home and met Ralph--she described him as wealthy and was concerned that Alex was his "boy toy" in exchange for living accommodations. She also met Alex's mother Larraine--she called her "Lorraine"--whom she described as a bitch with forceful personality. Katherine describes herself as feeling maternal towards Alex.
Wednesday, December 3, 1997	5 pm. Twenty-Sixth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex was clearly shook up over the events of the past week. His Aunt Sofie died after preparing a sumptuous Thanksgiving feast. She died quietly so that everyone thought she was just sitting and napping on the sofa after the big meal. Alex relates it to his own feeling that anytime he gets close to someone, they suffer through some calamity. He cites his father, his grandmother, Benny, Roly, and now Sofie. Alex thought of Sofie as being the only member of that family that encouraged him in any of his pursuits. In fact, Sofie left him a stipend of money in her will with the understanding that he use it for either art or culinary school. Ironically, Alex remembers that the last words she said to him were that the truffles--Alex's contribution to the dinner--were "to die for." Tony was at the meal too, and the event was used by Alex's mother as an opportunity to get Tony together with his family. Tony didn't react badly, actually. Alex is still distressed over the events of the week and was having difficulty remaining clear and focused. Alex also had dinner with Katherine Lippard and her brother Phil this week. He said that he was somewhat attracted to Phil, which made him act clumsy--even though Alex was sure that Phil wouldn't be interested in him. Actually, I have no idea whether Phil is gay or not, and I thought that Alex was in a committed relationship with Luke. Alex took Katherine and Phil back to Ralph's and there met his mother coming down the stairs. His mother, who heads up SII's mail room, recognized Katherine from some company newsletter announcing her promotion. His mother made a fuss about the incident to Alex later and he believes that his mother is going to try to use the fact that Katherine and Alex have been seen together somehow against Katherine. He plans to warn Katherine of his mother's intentions. Alex also found out another family secret--his Aunt Sofie's long-estranged daughter Rosemarie. Alex thought she was educated and more sophisticated and attractive than his mother--they hated each other, apparently. Luke was enthralled by the cat fight--it sounds like a scene from "The Women," actually. Alex's mother believed Rosemarie was doing nothing but sniffing around for Aunt Sofie's money. But Aunt Sofie had written Rosemarie out of her will.
Wednesday, December 10, 1997	4 pm. Twenty-Ninth Session with Katherine Lippard respecting Alex Rozzi. Katherine was all business as she told me about the smear campaign that is being waged by Alex's mother Larraine and that toady, Nils Landor. Apparently, Larraine has it in her head that Katherine is romantically involved with Alex--she must know his sexual preference makes that unlikely--and has decided to go after Katherine within the company. She has the ear of Nils Landor who told Lloyd Major all about it. Lloyd, who's never been one of Katherine's big supporters in any case, came to talk to her about it--apparently concerned that scandal will lower the stock price. I suspect that Lloyd was just hoping for something juicy to relieve the tedium--he gets a certain pleasure from stirring the shit. Katherine plans to fight back, and she seems to be a formidable adversary. Larraine is a venal, petty woman, but she didn't strike me as particularly stupid. She must realize that picking a fight with a high-ranking corporate executive could be detrimental to her job. It just struck me--I didn't mention this to Katherine--but Larraine might have lost interest in her job now that she is pregnant and perhaps she is seeking some pretext to get fired rather than to just resign. Is it possible that Larraine wants a roll at "litigation roulette?" If that's Larraine's game, I'd better urge Katherine to be particularly careful.
Wednesday, December 10, 1997	5 pm. Twenty-Seventh Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex is furious with his mother for her interference in his life and her treatment of Rosemarie. He found out from Katherine, just before the start of the session, about the rumor-mongering that his mother has engaged in at work. He was furious and wanted to immediately leave and confront her over it. I urged Alex to gain control of himself first and to try to think through whether such a course of action would have the desired results. Alex was quite agitated--perhaps more than I've ever seen him before. He spoke in a rapid-fire pace and demonstrated psychomoter agitation as well. Alex has three current issues with his mother. The first and foremost is that she is trying to make trouble for Katherine at SII. He also believes that she is treating his Aunt Rosemarie unfairly now that she has to cope with her mother's death. And he believes that his mother's behavior at Aunt Sophie's funeral may have scared off Luke, who missed a date with Alex and hasn't called. Alex told me that he is taking the melatonin nightly and still sleeping--he even expressed surprise given the thoughts continually racing through his mind. Alex also told me that the gun-wielding maniac who is living in the cottage on Ralph's property has returned from his stint in jail. Ralph is going to begin eviction proceedings, but it could easily take several months to get him out of the apartment. I asked Alex how he was coping with Aunt Sophie's death. He said that he has nightmares occassionally--usually focusing around truffles and her last words to him--that his truffles were "to die for." But he misses her, and the reality of her death is now sinking in.
Wednesday, December 17, 1997	4 pm. Thirtieth Session with Katherine Lippard respecting Alex Rozzi. Katherine also told me about the internal machinations surrounding Alex's mother's attempt to stir the shit. Apparently, she was pretty effectively put down, although Katherine hadn't considered the possibility that Larraine was trying to set up an unlawful termination claim.
Wednesday, December 17, 1997	5 pm. Twenty-Eighth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex was jumpy and skittish during this session. He seemed uncomfortable, constantly shifting in his seat and even experiencing tremors at one point. Surprisingly, considering the fact that he hasn't slept in several nights, he didn't appear tired--actually, quite the opposite. He appeared hyper, almost wired. At times, he was almost hysterical--laughing inappropriately. If I didn't know Alex better, I would suspect some form of amphetamine abuse. Alex believes that he doesn't really need sleep. He says that he goes through periods where sleep is unnecessary--he just "runs and runs." Obviously, I want to encourage him to get appropriate rest--Alex's decision-making abilities are always impaired until after he's had some sleep. Alex has a contusion on his forehead from a fight with Mark over his mother's actions against Katherine Lippard. Apparently, Mark got the worst of it with three cracked ribs and a dislocated jaw. Luke has reappeared, suddenly making urgent demands on Alex for sex. Alex is beginning to worry about why Luke never introduces him to his family or friends. I sloughed off the concern, suggesting that Luke might be private and need time to open up and even suggesting that Alex's sleeplessness may be inducing paranoia, but actually Alex does raise a legitimate point: perhaps Luke either doesn't view the relationship with the same seriousness as Alex or Luke may not have announced the fact of his homosexuality to his family and friends. I just don't want Alex thinking about these issues before he's had some sleep; he'll make the wrong decision otherwise. Alex told me something odd. He said that Rosemarie has hired a lawyer to contest her mother's will. Rosemarie and Alex's mother were at odds previously; now they'll be at war. But the odd thing is that Ralph has rented the back unit of his house to Rosemarie. What with the fight, it seems that Alex's mother and Mark are going to be on one side of the line and Alex, Ralph, and Rosemarie are going to be on the other. With Alex yet to gain his majority, it's going to be difficult if Alex's mother attempts to exert some parental authority over Alex. Perhaps I should suggest that Rozzi seeks to get "emancipated minor" legal status to protect himself against Larraine's machinations.
Wednesday, January 7, 1998	4 pm. Thirty-First Session with Katherine Lippard respecting Alex Rozzi. Katherine told me that Larraine Rozzi had been admitted to a psychiatric facility. She seemed ready to take the blame for Larraine's psychiatric problems, but I was able to convince her that she was not responsible with a minimum of effort.
Wednesday, January 7, 1998	5 pm. Twenty-Ninth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex showed up with a goatee, but it was just a harbinger of the other changes that have occurred in his life. The most startling is a reconciliation of sorts with his mother and Mark. His mother ended up in the mental health facility at California Pacific Medical Center sometime before Christmas. She was suffering from recurrent panic attacks, exacerbated somewhat by the conflict she was engaged in at work with Katherine Lippard, and by her current pregnancy. But Alex, whose attitude towards his mother has become noticeably more sympathetic, said that she had apologized to him, and she laid out some of the difficult circumstances surrounding her parenting of Alex--not as an excuse, really, but more as an explanation. Alex also said that he connected with Mark as the two of them discussed his mother's problems. He seems perhaps overly optimistic as to his future with his parents, but I didn't feel it right to urge caution. He is naturally cautious. He met with Luke's sister, who knows Luke is gay. But Luke is hiding his homosexuality from his father, which perhaps explains Luke's reticence to introduce Alex to his family. Alex has an uneasy feeling about a girl who appears in several photographs with Luke in his house, especially since every time he brings her up, both Luke and his sister dodge his questions. Alex told me about a vivid dream that he had of Benny standing over his bed, crying and begging forgiveness from Alex. When Alex awoke, he found the bedroom window open, which he was sure was closed. The dream made a large impact on Alex, although I'm not certain exactly how Alex felt about it.
Wednesday, January 28, 1998	5 pm. Thirtieth Session with Alex Rozzi. Roly committed suicide. He was the one who had triggered Alex's dreams of Benny at his bedside--it was Roly, coming in from the streets, trying to reach out to Alex. But Roly wouldn't actually wake Alex, he'd just climb up to Alex's window and into his bedroom and then watch him sleep. He left a suicide note in Alex's room and then threw himself in front of a BART train. Alex counts him as another of Benny's victims. Roly's suicide has triggered a strong emotional response from Alex, but surprisingly directed inward towards memories of his own past history of being the child victim of vicious sexual abuse. He's been having an upwelling of dreams and memories about Joe, the man who repeatedly raped Alex at knife point. Alex feels a great deal of guilt because he sometimes felt physical pleasure while being assaulted by Joe. Alex has been repressing his memories of these sexual assaults for years, but now that they are coming to the fore, they are having a strong impact on every part of his psyche. Alex complains of feeling unclean, of feeling itchy. He's compulsively scratching at himself. He can't sit still and says that he can't get comfortable. He feels unprotected. He feels like he is infested with bugs. He is unable to enjoy normal sexual relations with Luke--now the thought of sex makes him feel nauseous. His heart races, and he feels as if he is having difficulty breathing. He's even had a dermatological reaction--a rash on his neck at the point where he remembers Joe holding a knife blade. While Alex is reluctant to discuss Joe--he says he doesn't want to relive it again--I think it is essential that we uncover this issue. Alex's current emotional crisis could be a disaster in the making, or it could be an opportunity to make a real breakthrough in Alex's therapy.
Wednesday, February 4, 1998	5 pm. Thirty-First Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex is making real progress coming to terms with the childhood sexual abuse he suffered. He sees it as one area in his life over which he has no current control, and he has a deep-seated feeling of guilt because he believes that he was partly responsible for being abused--he derived some pleasure from the sexual acts that were taking place. With Benny, that feeling of responsibility is even more pronounced because, although Benny clearly abused Alex, Alex loved him and was willingly expressing that emotion through sex. Alex doesn't want to feel like a victim. Alex finds that he has to look at the memories of his past sexual activity, some of which he eagerly participated in, and now must reinterpret them as abuse. As he opens up to me in our sessions, he's opening up more and more to Luke and the others around him. Although he hasn't felt comfortable sharing the worst of it, he has told Luke about Benny and Roly. Luke is being supportive. Alex is also trying to disassociate himself from the reality of Benny and Joe. He told me that he sometimes feels that it wasn't real--as if it is a story that he saw on television instead of something that actually happened to him. It's an odd paradox that as Alex comes to terms with these events from his past, he struggles to ignore and repress them. Alex wrote Benny a cathartic letter of forgiveness that would be difficult to characterize. Alex first says that Benny was trying to protect him when he broke off their relationship--that Benny must have had an inkling of the legal trouble he was about to suffer. But then Alex chides Benny for finding a younger boy than him--and concludes that Benny wasn't interested in Alex as a person but really only wanted his youth. Alex concludes the letter by saying that he won't testify against Benny in court. I know that Alex has often expressed how much he is looking forward to testifying against Benny, but I suspected that much of that was bravado. However, I wouldn't be surprised if Alex changes his mind again and decides to testify--and I told him as much. Alex now feels that he wants to put Benny behind him and thinks that he can only do that if he isn't part of the trial. I decided not to push Alex on this point. Luke told Alex about how he feels responsible for an ex-girlfriend's car accident that left her brain damaged. They each told the other that the past didn't matter and they concluded the evening with sex, although Alex says that he felt distant. I told Alex that he shouldn't be surprised if his interest in sex ebbs and flows while he comes to terms with what happened to him. A variation in sexual interest is a common reaction to therapy of this type. I told Alex to make use of the support that his friends and family are offering him. He seemed to understand and agree.
Wednesday, February 11, 1998	4 pm. Thirty-Fourth Session with Katherine Lippard respecting Alex Rozzi. Katherine talked about her conversation with Alex and sympathized with his difficulties. She said that she'd like to "fix it," although she knew that she was providing a valuable service by just listening. Katherine said that her problems seemed more manageable after hearing his, although I cautioned her to avoid comparing her situation to those of others.
Wednesday, February 11, 1998	5 pm. Thirty-Second Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex is developing a friendship with Katherine Lippard and was able to open up to her sufficiently to explain about Benny, Roly, and his mother, although he couldn't bring himself to talk about Joe. She reacted with sympathy and understanding, and Alex felt good about opening up to her. I encouraged him to continue to do so. Katherine wanted to do something meaningful--here's a chance for her to do some good for Alex. I suspect that she also bought one of his paintings--an anonymous buyer purchased a painting, and Alex was elated. He really wants to know who the buyer was. He even suspected that I might have bought it. Alex took his mother for a doctor's visit and got a chance to see the baby on an ultrasound monitor. As it does for many new fathers, the ultrasound image made his little brother real for Alex. Now he is full of anticipation over what the baby will be like. His mother exhibited her tendency towards labile emotions--shooting Alex an unmotivated look of hatred. Alex responded by staring her down--a much better response than the normal volatile reactions she inspires in him. She backed down and Alex credited her with a lot of insight and thought about her behavior that was probably merely his optimistic projections. Alex's mother failed to protect him from Joe, and didn't respond with assistance when he told her, at age eleven, what was going on. Alex told me that he was ten or eleven when Joe raped him. Joe was five or six years older and a neighbor. Benny apparently came upon Joe and Alex while they were engaged in a sexual act and apparently beat Joe up and essentially took Alex for himself. Alex is still trying to work out his conflicting feelings about both Benny and Joe. He feels that he loved Benny, and rationalizes much of what Benny did as Benny's effort to protect him. He also has a tendency to blame himself for being victimized by Joe, probably as a result of having some sexually pleasurable feelings and misinterpreting them as equating to some form of consent to being sexually abused. I tried to get Alex to realize how vulnerable he was at eleven years old, but Alex retreated into a daze--I thought he might be taking drugs, but Alex assured me that he was just spacing out. I imagine that zoning out is a coping technique, but I urged Alex to retain his focus.
Wednesday, February 18, 1998	5 pm. Thirty-Third Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex was giddy with excitement over the birth of his younger brother, Aaron Justin Jarrod. Alex's mother sounds like she suffered from preeclampsia. Alex said that her blood pressure rose precipitously during the delivery, and that immediately afterwards, she had a grand mal seizure and then stopped breathing. Alex mentioned toxemia and high blood sugar. Apparently, they administered CPR after her heart failed, and they were able to revive her. She's stable now and out of the intensive care unit, but it clearly shook Alex, although the only emotion that he reported was one of guilt--he feels that he wished it on her. Of course, I tried to reassure him that he wasn't responsible for her complications related to childbirth. Alex was contacted by Cecil, the lawyer that Ralph contacted who is coordinating Alex's planned testimony against Benny with the district attorney's office. Alex now doesn't wish to testify, but he never told Cecil that. Cecil told Alex that Benny's trial is coming up. Alex believes that they have enough evidence to convict Benny without his testimony. I said that I didn't know, but I pointed out to Alex that even if he desires to avoid testifying, his testimony can be compelled by subpoena. Alex thought that he had achieved closure on that part of his life with his letter to Benny, but I had to point out that it was just the beginning. He was able to confide in Luke about Benny, which I think is a positive development, although Alex is still having difficulties with physical intimacy. Although he hasn't been able to tell Luke about Joe, he was able to confide in Tony, his friend who submitted to sexual slavery. Both of them found a common bond when they each confided to the other that there were parts of their ordeal which gave them physical pleasure. At the very end of the session, Alex told me that he had been a truant from school--he'd missed eight days. The school administrators contacted social services and spoke with Martin Silverman, Alex's caseworker. The school wants to expel Alex, which would obviously not be in his best interests. I told Alex that I would run interference for him this time with his caseworker but I obviously don't approve of Alex's actions and I think it important that he ultimately suffer the consequences of his behavior.
Wednesday, February 25, 1998	5 pm. Thirty-Fourth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex is having difficulties in school although he tells me that he isn't currently a truant and has been keeping up with his schoolwork. He particularly dislikes P.E., especially getting naked around other men. When I mentioned that people who have endured childhood sexual abuse often have similar feelings, Alex reacted strongly. He really doesn't like to be identified as a victim, and doesn't want to be defined by reference to his past. Alex was concerned about Katherine. He talked to her and she told him that she had been in a car accident in Texas. Alex said that she sounded strange--sort of shaky, perhaps. I told Alex that Katherine would be fine. Alex also told me that his mother is exhibiting the same lack of maternal feelings towards Aaron that she demonstrated with Alex. She's ignoring the baby since she came home from the hospital and Alex said that Mark has to force her to feed him. Racyl told Alex that his mother wanted her to talk Alex into leaving. Alex is reminded of how his mother ignored him when he told her about what Joe was doing to him. As he told me the story, he kept on losing track of where he was, as if he has been suppressing these memories for so long that his brain just automatically derails any consideration of what happened. Alex described his mother as a party girl, and what he told her about Joe was ignored because it was sobering. Alex can't remember her precise reaction when he told her that he was being sexually assaulted, but he said that after he told her was when things became particularly bad between them. Alex has been having dreams about Roly since his suicide. He even described a waking hallucination where Roly said that Alex was becoming complacent. Alex also saw someone who looked like Roly standing on a street corner. Although Alex thought these incidents were strange, he was unrattled by them, actually. He seemed almost matter of fact, although he said that he was concerned that he might be hallucinating. But Alex also got a telephone message from Benny on Ralph's answering machine. That had a much stronger effect on Alex. Benny said that he had received Alex's letter and told Alex that he was sorry. Then, on the tape, Benny cried. It was the crying that most affected Alex. And then Sael, the paramedic that Alex had been briefly interested in last year, just showed up to visit. His grandfather died and he was in San Francisco for the funeral. Alex said that he was visited by three men from his past this week.
Wednesday, March 4, 1998	4 pm. Thirty-Sixth Session with Katherine Lippard respecting Alex Rozzi. Katherine told me that Alex visited her at work, and she was surprised to see the open gawking of people around the office as they whispered and pointed fingers. Katherine went to Alex's house and saw his mother, who seemed a totally different person from the one who accused her of an illicit relationship with her son. Katherine isn't sure what to make of it--Katherine described the two Larraines as two different people, and Katherine thinks it possible that neither was genuine. Most of the session was devoted to Jake, though. It turns out that Jake was the buyer for Alex's paintings. He'd intended to give them to Katherine for her birthday--he missed it by a month--but then, when she talked about her interest in contributing to the arts, he decided to donate the paintings in her name to the Bay Area Youth Arts Alliance. Now Katherine has the decidedly unpleasant task of telling Alex that his paintings weren't bought by the anonymous art connoisseur that Jake invented, and Katherine has to further convince Alex that she didn't buy the paintings out of feelings of charity or pity. Alex has invested a lot in the idea that the paintings were purchased for their own sake. I think he will be quite disappointed. And Katherine realizes she has to tell Alex about the paintings before he finds out for himself.
Wednesday, March 4, 1998	5 pm. Thirty-Fifth Session with Alex Rozzi. Benny's trial is scheduled for March 12th and Alex is still resistant to testifying against him. He defiantly says that he can't be compelled to testify by legal process. Benny called again and spoke with Ralph, who apparently got into a shouting match with him. At one point, Alex said that one of the reasons that he didn't want to testify is that he's afraid that Benny will find a way to hurt or kill him if he does. Roly's ghost haunts Alex's dreams--he's convinced he's real. In his dream, the ghost has a broken object that he wants Alex to fix. I suggested that perhaps the dream and Benny's trial are linked. Alex said that he needs to think some more about whether or not to testify. I told him that I would support whatever he decided to do. On another subject, Alex is alternately thrilled and suspicious of an apparent change of heart that his mother has exhibited. She invited Katherine to the house and apologized to her, and she reversed herself and allowed Rosemarie to move into Sophie's house. Alex got an in-law apartment there as an art studio. Alex feels that his mother has been too mercurial in the past for him to view this as a fundamental change, although I think he's willing to enjoy it while it lasts. When Alex spoke to Katherine about what a good mother she'd make, he noticed a whole range of emotions flit across her face. I've never talked to Katherine much about her feelings on becoming a parent. Alex is still mystified about who bought his paintings, but it bugs him. He really wants to know. He hasn't cashed the check from the gallery yet--he's holding it as a symbol of good luck.
Wednesday, March 11, 1998	4 pm. Thirty-Seventh Session with Katherine Lippard respecting Alex Rozzi. Katherine spent a good deal of time during today's session talking about Alex. We even talked about her concerns that I might be performing therapy on Alex through her, or using the information that I glean about Alex through my sessions with Katherine to treat Alex. I assured her that I keep the sessions separate in my mind, and that Alex is only relevant in Katherine's sessions to the extent that he is part of Katherine's life. I might have been a bit disingenuous however. If Katherine told me a shocking piece of news about Alex, I'm not sure that it wouldn't color my feelings about it, especially if it was something that Alex chose not to share with me. But it hasn't happened yet, and I don't think there is any serious ethical issue to be grappled with here. If I learn something about a patient from a source outside of therapy, that's completely legitimate. I would only have to be careful not to violate Katherine's confidentiality by disclosing to Alex what I had learned during my sessions with Katherine. Actually, I'm somewhat surprised that they are becoming such close friends. But they are. Katherine told Alex that Jake was the buyer of his paintings, but she didn't tell Jake that she has told Alex. Alex hasn't confronted Jake, so Jake is continuing to spin out the lie about the anonymous art buyer. Katherine realized that she has to tell Jake that she told Alex. I agree that she should not spend her psychic energy trying to protect the social secrets of others. Katherine did tell me a bit of news: Alex has been subpoenaed to appear as a witness at Benny's trial. Katherine was proud that Alex was able to be so open with her, and that she responded without being judgmental or trying to influence him one way or the other. In fact, Katherine was so pleased with her natural ability to communicate with Alex and with other teenagers she met at the Youth Alliance that she has decided to take on an active volunteer role working with kids through art.
Wednesday, March 11, 1998	5 pm. Thirty-Sixth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex was subpoenaed to testify in Benny's trial and the trial starts tomorrow. I am very worried about Alex's ability to hold up in that setting. He was so upset about the prospect of testifying that I probably didn't do all that I should have to prepare him for the ordeal that he is probably going to face. Especially under cross examination, I am concerned that things are going to come out with which Alex isn't prepared to cope. I hope that Alex is strong enough to undergo the trial and not just leave me with pieces to pick up at its conclusion. When things are darkest for Alex, he takes solace from listing the good things that are going on in his life. It's almost like a mantra for him, and I should echo it when he's going through the toughest moments. So the possibility of a job at the Youth Alliance, which Katherine and Jake have had a part in arranging, may help Alex keep his head above water during the trial. Subconsciously, I think Alex always knew that he had to testify. That's what the ghost of Roly was all about. Katherine told me that she didn't tell Alex what she thought he should do. But she represents the forces of order and society to Alex, I'm certain. If Alex wanted Katherine to approve of him, he knew that he would have to testify. Alex hasn't been sleeping, which is very bad. He's at his worst when he gets wired in that strange, almost autistic way. Katherine told Alex about Jake and his paintings. Alex went and confronted Jake and ended up saying a bunch of things that he now realizes he shouldn't. Alex is still impulsive with his anger, but at least this time he wasn't physically abusive. Tony and Ralph have become friends and they both are suffering from HIV. They've become interested in assisted suicide and have had long philosophical discussions about Dr. Kevorkian. They've apparently both joined the Hemlock Society and Ralph has asked Alex to assist with his suicide if it comes to that. Alex is strongly resisting. It's bad enough that Alex thinks Ralph is going to die--Ralph is one of the most important people in Alex's life--but to assist at his suicide! For Alex, it would be a confirmation of his lifelong sense of responsibility for the deaths of those that he's close to. Alex demanded to know my opinions on assisted suicide but I demurred. I only hope that Ralph and Tony have fastened upon this philosophical argument as a way of keeping Alex's mind off the trial.
Wednesday, March 18, 1998	5 pm. Thirty-Seventh Session with Alex Rozzi. Benny's trial is locked in pretrial motions. Alex, who probably got his impression of the legal system from television programs, is frustrated by the interminable delays. Apparently, there is some problem with the physical evidence in the case. The judge is expected to rule on whether or not it will be excluded from the trial. I presume that it will take some time to pick a jury as well. But other than Alex's frustration, and the feeling of his world turning upside down when Benny looked at him in court, Alex is handling the situation better than I expected. Alex went with Luke to Luke's father's beach house in Carmel over the weekend. Alex really loves it there. And he was able to open up to Luke and tell him about Joe. But Luke didn't think it changed anything. Alex said that Luke hadn't been pressuring Alex for sex during all the time when Alex felt incapable of physical intimacy. But after Alex opened up, it seemed to release the floodgates of sexual desire. Alex was able to engage in sex with Luke again, and described it in very positive terms. I've seen situations where a breakthrough in intimacy can overcome weeks or months of sexual reluctance. I'm hopeful that Alex will not revert back to become sexually withdrawn again. Alex went to the gallery to talk with Jake and tell him that he was no longer angry about the art purchase. But Jake apparently ducked him. Alex is happy with the Art Alliance and has volunteered to paint some scenery backdrops for them. Roly is still haunting Alex's dreams and seems to still want him to fix something which Alex can't identify. Roly seemed to indicate that whatever he was to fix was in addition to testifying against Benny, which was my earlier interpretation. I asked Alex to put off serious consideration of the meaning of his dreams of Roly until after the trial. I still believe the dreams are likely to vanish once Alex isn't under this kind of stress.
Wednesday, March 25, 1998	5 pm. Thirty-Eighth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex testified in Benny's trial. It doesn't sound like he was a uniformly positive witness for the prosecution. However, he couldn't have helped the defense much either. Alex reports that he was on the stand for two days. He lost his temper a few times and scored some humor points at the expense of the prosecuting attorney. He also said that he was threatened with contempt by the judge at one point. I must say that I'm surprised that Alex went through the experience without any apparent scars. He told me how Benny looked and how he apparently forgot that he had set fire to the surreptitious sexually-explicit videotapes of himself. But all in all, I was expecting far worse. Alex said that he feels numb about the experience. He heard a phrase somewhere which he kept repeating over and over: "kiss me, kill me." He apparently interpreted it to mean that you can't win. As Alex left the stand, Benny made an outburst in court saying, "I didn't mean to hurt you, Alex." Alex was stunned, but he dealt with his feelings by painting for hours until finally, Ralph went down to get him. Then Ralph tried to coopt Alex into helping him to commit his future suicide. When his illness advances and reaches unbearable levels, Ralph plans to end his life. Ralph wants to use a combination of drugs and asphyxiation. He wants Alex to actually place the plastic bag over his head, but Alex is understandably resistant to that idea and even questioned its lawfulness. Luke is out of town, and Alex clearly misses his intimacy, even if he didn't mention the sex. I think that Alex is finally reversing his previous antipathy towards sex. Alex painted clouds on scenery at the Art Alliance and enjoyed it. I think Art Alliance will become a large part of his life. It will give him a sense of belonging to a community and provide him with another safe alternative to the life on the streets, although I don't believe Alex will ever return to that way of life. Alex also told me that his mother and father are getting married. He said that's what he's always wanted. Although now, he believes that its too late for him--he's almost an adult. But Mark hinted that he wanted Alex to move back home in with them. Alex is justifiably skeptical about such an arrangement.
Wednesday, April 1, 1998	5 pm. Thirty-Ninth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex finished the trial and Benny was quickly found guilty. Not surprisingly, Alex feels some ambivalence and guilt about the result. Apparently, there was a surprise witness--a childhood acquaintance of Benny--who testified that when they were both about six, Benny molested him using the threat of physical violence. I'm surprised that the prosecution was able to get that in--it seems only tenuously related to the charges against Benny now. But I'm not a lawyer. For the second day of Alex's testimony, Alex's mother was in the courtroom. Alex didn't even see her amongst the sea of faces. I found it interesting that in the context of Alex's new openness with Katherine, Luke, and Ralph, he was appalled that his mother heard any of his testimony. He's convinced that even though his relationship at the moment is good with her, she'll figure out a way to use his admissions in court as ammunition against him. Alex was odd during this session. It seemed to me that he had been smoking cigarettes, although he denied it. He was very tired and quite scattered. I got the impression that he hasn't been sleeping. But Alex told me a very interesting story about his childhood that shed some more light on his underlying feelings of abandonment that pervade much of his social interactions. Although I'm unsure of his age in this anecdote, it seems that when Alex was about seven years old, his best friend was a boy named Jimmy. Alex and he would walk to school together and Alex would frequently go to Jimmy's home after school. Jimmy's mother and Alex's grandmother were good friends and they would often do activities together with the boys. One day, after school, Alex went to Jimmy's house and was surprised to find him not at home. He peeked through a side window and discovered that the house was empty--all the furniture was gone. His grandmother was cryptic about what happened and gave Alex no information. To this day, Alex doesn't know what happened to Jimmy. At the end of the session, Alex told me that he had gone to speak to Jake and to let Jake know that he was no longer angry about the incident with the painting. But it didn't come out that way. Jake and Alex argued again, with Alex remonstrating with Jake about the fictitious anonymous buyer. But at least Alex didn't resort to violence. I complemented Alex on that. Alex tried to brush aside my complement, trying to give me the impression that the only reason he didn't hit Jake was that they were too evenly matched. But I do think that Alex has become much more thoughtful since our first session together.
Wednesday, April 8, 1998	5 pm. Fortieth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex has made a turn for the worse. He admitted that he has been arrested for shoplifting, which may be a violation of his parole. He also told me that he has been smoking marijuana, apparently with some frequency. Alex has made friends with a lesbian couple, Regina and Camille, and has engaged in some S&M sex play with them--allowing himself to be flogged. This has caused a reaction of jealousy from Luke. Alex told me that it was on their urging that he stole the radio which resulted in his arrest. He also said that they paint together, smoking marijuana first to enhance performance. Alex believes that the store decided not to press charges because of the flirtatious charm that he used to influence the old woman who owns the store. But that hasn't saved Alex from possible action from the juvenile court system. Alex doesn't believe that they'll make him a ward of the court or introduce him into the foster home system, but I said that it was hard to say what they might do. Alex has decided to keep his shoplifting arrest secret from Luke, because he's afraid of his anger. Alex got a check from Jake, apparently in an effort to make things right there. But Alex is avoiding further conversation with Jake because of the situation between Jake and Katherine. Alex told me that Katherine met the "lipstick lesbitarians" and apparently didn't think much of them, which Alex ascribed to Regina's exorbitant piercings. But Katherine apparently made an impression on them--just what Katherine needs now. Alex still has dark circles under the eyes and he appeared somewhat disheveled. The wardrobe is black, the hair is spiky, and the nose ring has returned. I'm afraid that Alex's new friends are having quite a negative influence, and I'm quite concerned.
Wednesday, April 15, 1998	4 pm. Forty-Second Session with Katherine Lippard respecting Alex Rozzi. Katherine expressed some nonspecific disapproval over something Alex did recently--she described it as stupid teenage shit. I suspect that she was referring obliquely to Alex's recent penchant for abusing drugs.
Wednesday, April 15, 1998	5 pm. Forty-First Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex is getting in a world of trouble both from the juvenile justice system and from his friends and family. Because of his shoplifting arrest, he's violated his parole, even though the store declined to press charges. Apparently, he's going to have to do some more community service work and spend weekends under house arrest wearing an electronic ankle bracelet while he stays with his mother. Luke is angry because of Alex's continued experiments with S&M under Camille's domination. His mother is angry because of the shoplifting arrest and the prospect of having to live with Alex. Ralph is angry because Alex took his car and ended up driving it into a ditch, without the benefit of a driver's license. I suspect he might have been smoking marijuana--the accident was caused by inattention which is a common cause of marijuana related car accidents. Alex also went to Ralph's strip club and performed on stage during amateur night, even though Ralph has forbid him from going there. Alex's juvenile status could cause Ralph some serious legal problems. Alex wants the freedom to go wild--he thinks it might be a stage he's going through--and he becomes very angry when he thinks someone's judging him, including me. He said that Katherine was really his only friend who wasn't judging him, and wasn't currently angry at him. I want him to try to be more mindful of what he's doing and to be aware of the self-destructive nature of his actions. I also note that all of Alex's negative conduct can be associated with his relationship with Camille and Regina.
Wednesday, April 22, 1998	5 pm. Forty-Second Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex's personal relationships have gone right into the toilet. His mother became enraged with him during a dinner where Luke was a guest. By overhearing Alex's mother, Luke found out that Alex had been arrested for shoplifting. Luke, who was already angry at Alex for engaging in S&M experiments with Regina and Camille, decided to tell Alex that he wanted a trial separation. Alex escalated that into a full blown break-up by getting into an argument with Luke about Luke's own uneasiness with his own homosexuality. Alex's mother told him both that she didn't want him to stay with her and that she was unwilling to sign papers which would allow him to graduate early from high school. I find those positions logically inconsistent, but consistent, perhaps, with her desire to wound Alex in any way within her power. Apparently, there was no obvious trigger for her screaming match with Alex--but it was timed to coincide with Luke's visit. After breaking up with Luke, Alex went to Regina's house and, thinking her father was asleep, smoked some of Regina's marijuana with her in the garage. Suddenly, her father was at the top of the stairs, cursing at Alex and telling him that he was corrupting his daughter and banning him from the house. Regina ended up moving out and is now sleeping at Alex's art studio with Ralph's blessing, which surprised me. Alex also described a trip to the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz where he smoked marijuana and then rode many times on the rollercoaster there. Afterwards, he said that he almost passed out--he felt he couldn't take a breath and his visual field went dark. Alex told me that he had suffered a similar experience when he was by himself just after testifying at Benny's trial and he woke up lying on the floor. They sound like anxiety reactions to me, but the marijuana is a confounding factor. We talked about Alex's growing marijuana use. He told me that he smokes before painting and he told me about two incidents this week involving marijuana use. He looked bad. Almost on the verge of tears through much of the session, he also had a glassy, tired look to his eyes; he spoke rapidly at times, almost without taking a breath; and he had a generally disheveled appearance. He told me that he hasn't been sleeping and that he has lost his appetite. I told him that I believed that he was using the marijuana to hide his pain over Benny, the trial, and Joe. Alex reacted strongly to my suggestion--I clearly hit it. He admitted that Benny is constantly on his mind, and Joe is often in the back of his mind. I think we have a lot of work to do.
Wednesday, April 29, 1998	5 pm. Forty-Third Session with Alex Rozzi. Luke is missing and has been for almost a week. Alex and Camille were about to have sex when Luke walked in on them unannounced. Luke was having a lot of problems with Alex's experimentation with S&M, but Alex always dismissed his concerns. After all, both Alex and Camille are homosexuals--why should Luke worry? But walking in on the two of them as they prepared for intercourse must have confirmed for Luke his worst fears. Both Alex and Camille are surprised that they were about to engage in heterosexual intercourse, and they've been avoiding each other since finding out that Luke disappeared. Alex blames himself for Luke's disappearance, and it seems likely that he's partly responsible. He's feeling incredible guilt. The police are involved. Luke didn't show up for work. His condo and pet cat have been apparently abandoned and his car was found locked near Baker Beach. I have a very uneasy feeling about this. Alex also was sentenced to an incredible 1,120 hours of community service with an urban gardening organization. His work at the Art Alliance will also count towards fulfilling his community service requirement. Alex also reported having some sleep disturbances: particularly nightmares involving Luke, Benny, Joe, Jimmy, and Camille. He describes himself as "weirded out" by finding himself attracted to Camille.
Wednesday, May 6, 1998	5 pm. Forty-Fourth Session with Alex Rozzi. Luke turned up at his father's house in Carmel. His father had a medical emergency and Luke, whose car broke down at Fort Point just after catching Alex and Camille together, went to Carmel by bus. I believe Alex is quite relieved to discover that Luke is alive, but Luke and Alex are still estranged. Alex is confused about his sexual preference after finding himself sexually attracted to Camille. He seems to feel that he either likes men or he like women, and there're no other possibilities. I tried to explain that sexual attraction is a complex continuum and that people can be attracted to one gender or the other for a whole series of reasons, none of which necessarily remain stable. He interpreted what I said as a suggestion that he was bisexual, which seemed even more repugnant to him than the notion of being heterosexual. For the moment, he has decided to resolve the situation by choosing abstinence until he gets everything sorted out in his head. Alex also has given up smoking marijuana, at least for now. He believes that marijuana made him stupid--it certainly made him less sensitive to what others were thinking or feeling, and it was devestating to his relationships. Alex did look better during this session than he has in recent weeks. The circles under his eyes aren't as prevalent and the glassy look is gone. Alex's emotions respecting Benny and Joe are both charged and volatile. I just have to mention either of the two of them, and Alex bubbles forth with tears. And despite Alex's expressed admonition to me not to relive his past, I think it is increasingly obvious that we have to work together to help Alex overcome the anguish he feels when he thinks about those two relationships.
Wednesday, May 13, 1998	4 pm. Forty-Fifth Session with Katherine Lippard respecting Alex Rozzi. Katherine has been invited to Alex's parents' wedding. She was contemptuous to discover that Larraine has registered for extravagantly expensive crystal and china at Nordstrom. Katherine believes that Larraine's desire to obtain these luxury items is just a futile, pathetic attempt to buy social status. Katherine is planning on getting them a crock-pot or something equally sensible and, presumably, fitting to her conception of their low social ranking.
Wednesday, May 13, 1998	5 pm. Forty-Fifth Session with Alex Rozzi. The burst of sexual feeling that Alex and Camille felt for each other scared them both. Regina, Camille's lover, senses that something is awry, but hasn't yet identified it. Alex is afraid that Regina will become violent if she ever discovers what happened. Camille has avoided Alex since the day when Luke discovered them together. And Alex has been left shaken in his sexual identity. Alex's friend Tony thought that Alex was making too much of it. He said that these things--"crossing over"--happen all the time. Tony said that Alex was too concerned about appearing the tough guy. And Alex said that he had another dream where Roly appeared to him and told him that he was too easily swayed by how other people perceived him. Alex should follow his own heart. I think Alex is feeling the pressures of growing up. He no longer feels immortal--we talked about a few traffic accidents with teenage injuries and fatalities. And although he looks forward to the emancipation of being 18 years old, he also is worried about the added responsibility. Alex spent time talking with Luke. He described the conversations as unsatisfactory--they go over and over the same material--but he seems glad to have some connection. I pointed out to Alex that even if the relationship won't mend, at least this communication will allow him to have positive closure on his relationship. Even our discussion about Luke seemed to me to be about Alex taking some personal responsibility and acting more like a grown-up. Luke tried to suggest that perhaps Camille's great beauty acted as some kind of magic spell over Alex. But although it would have been a lot easier to agree and to disclaim responsibility, Alex insisted that he was also responsible for what had almost happened. He was unwilling to put his sexual interest in Camille all at her feet.
Wednesday, May 20, 1998	5 pm. Forty-Sixth Session with Alex Rozzi. Alex was noticeably improved this session. He didn't have the familiar dark circles under his eyes and he seemed in much better spirits generally. He was even a little playful. He went for a drive with Regina and then found out that she had discovered what almost happened between Camille and him. As Alex predicted, Regina didn't take it well. She stranded Alex somewhere on Devil's Slide, just South of Pacifica. She forced Alex out of the car and then drove away. Alex realized he was holding onto Regina's purse, so in retaliation, he disposed of the contents. He made his way down to a nude beach that was nearby and befriended a gay couple there. They spent a few hours on the beach and then drove Alex home--with Alex warding off the older man's obvious sexual interest. Alex seemed to vaguely like the younger man who Alex said runs a candy store on the Peninsula. Alex and Luke are back together--at least they're going dancing together, even if they're not currently engaging in sex. Luke said that he forgave Alex, especially after he realized the extent of Alex's concern about him when he was apparently missing. Alex said that he's too confused to have sex right now, and that was okay with Luke. I remember Luke also understood about Alex's lack of interest in sex during the time before Benny's trial. We started to talk about Benny, and although Alex is making progress in putting those issues behind him, he still feels that his time with Benny haunts him. He keeps rehashing the events, trying to reconcile his sense that Benny loved him with some of the things that Benny actually did. I told Alex that I believe that Benny is a sociopath. Alex told me that Benny was sentenced to 7 years in prison, but with time served and good behavior, he could be out substantially sooner. Alex told me that Tony was going to Rational Recovery meetings and smoking marijuana at the same time--Tony tries to dismiss smoking marijuana as not being the same as using drugs. Tony also wants Alex to accompany him to the meetings, and I suggested that it might not be a bad idea. At the end of the session, Alex wanted me to crash his mother's wedding and meet his cousin Rosemarie, whom Alex thinks would be perfect for me. I declined.