Transcript of 69th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alex Rozzi, Wednesday, November 25, 1998 at 5:00 pm.

Dr. Balis: Hello, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Hey, dude. You don't have to say it. I know I look tired, and I am. I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I'm wild-eyed. You name it.
Dr. Balis: Here. Here's a glass of water. Tell me what's going on.
Mr. Rozzi: Like I said, you name it! I just saw Cecil and my fucking mother.
Dr. Balis: Oh?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, her! You and I have that psychic energy when it comes to her, you know that?
Dr. Balis: What?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, as soon as I mentioned her, you got that look you get. Your face totally changed. You like her as much as I do, I can tell. It's okay, you don't have to say one way or another, but...well, I don't know. We'll just leave it at that, okay? So yeah, I went to see Cecil, and my mom tried to steam roll over us.
Dr. Balis: What happened?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I had an appointment with Cecil so we could talk about the hearing that's coming up and what I need to do to be prepared for it. But my mom...well, she's just my mom! Same old, same old, and she'll never change. She started some shit with Katherine again, too, I think.
Dr. Balis: Did Katherine tell you that?
Mr. Rozzi: No, I haven't seen her since...uh, I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought. Oh! My mom chewed me out for not being at Katherine's when she called. And I'm certain that Katherine didn't enjoy the ten thousand phone calls from her either. But my mom...well, she called around everywhere looking for me, being the bitch that only she can be.
Dr. Balis: Why didn't you take her calls when she called?
Mr. Rozzi: I've told you, I haven't been there. I mean...uh...well, I'm not at...uh...oops!
Dr. Balis: Alex, what's going on? What are you not telling me?
Mr. Rozzi: Shit! Sometimes I can be so stupid, and my lips get too loose, you know? Well, I kind of split Katherine's.
Dr. Balis: Oh?
Mr. Rozzi: Remember when I told you that I sensed something was up with Katherine? Ever since we got her moved into the new place, I had this I wrote her a note Monday--while she was here with you--and left.
Dr. Balis: Did you go back to Ralph's?
Mr. Rozzi: Um, yeah. That's it, Ralph's.
Dr. Balis: Alex! Tell me the truth.
Mr. Rozzi: No...I mean, yes, but not for long, really. I just went there and got my laptop and some clothes and stuff.
Dr. Balis: So where are you staying now?
Mr. Rozzi: With a friend.
Dr. Balis: I see. What did you tell Katherine in your note?
Mr. Rozzi: Just that...well, that I felt like I didn't want to be more trouble than I had already been and that I needed to go away for awhile. I told her I'd call her in a few days when I got settled, but I haven't had a chance to do that yet.
Dr. Balis: To get settled or to call her?
Mr. Rozzi: Hmm. Both, I guess. I've been kind of feeling like I'm reeling or something. Everything is moving so fast. And now that I'm all alone, I notice every little thing, every noise, every movement going on outside, stuff like that. I keep going around checking the door to make sure it's locked. And I keep feeling like I'm going to fall apart. I know none of this makes any sense, but I just didn't want to put Katherine through any more...uh, well...I'm sorry. It's just it's...well...uh, shit!
Dr. Balis: It's okay, Alex. Here's a tissue.
Mr. Rozzi: I...uh, I don't know what's wrong with me, you know? One minute I'm okay, the next, I'm crying like a baby. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Dr. Balis: Alex, you've gone through a very traumatic situation and I think that what you're describing may be caused by that event. You're describing symptoms of something we call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When people go through a serious trauma, as you have, they sometimes suffer in a way you've just described. And I can tell you are not sleeping well again. How are you eating?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I haven't had a chance to...uh, to get some food or anything yet. I just got myself into the condo this morning. Last night, I slept at this sleazy hotel in the Tenderloin, if you can call that sleeping--it was so fucking noisy. But Luke...well, he has been great about all of this.
Dr. Balis: Luke? I thought he moved back East?
Mr. Rozzi: He did. He's in New York right now, but he still owns his condo here, in San Francisco. He's letting me stay there, rent free. He told the building manager to give me the spare key. Pretty nice of him, huh?
Dr. Balis: It is. Alex, you have many people that really care a great deal about you.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, so many people...everyone but my...uh, my...well...uh, you know. Shit! I just don't know, you know? Every hour of fear I spend, I...but then...well, I don't know. It's just that...well, it's like...geez! I can't even think clearly! I hate being alone. I just hate it! The other night, I went to the movies all by myself. I saw two movies, and then I walked all over town, not knowing what I should do or where I should go. I ended up sitting there in my place, under the girders at the bridge, all night long, just thinking about things. It seems that no matter where I go or what I do, I bring trouble with me. I've fucked things up with Katherine. I know I have.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: And Benny...well, he's just Benny--stupid as ever. And I even messed things up there, more than big time. Ralph probably hates me by now. I just don't want to be any more trouble to anyone. Everybody would be better off if I just fell off the face of the Earth, or got run down by a fast moving truck, or something. I know my mom would be pleased if that happened--I wouldn't be the major disappointment that I am to her any more, you know?
Dr. Balis: Hmm. Alex, that's pretty harsh. Would you give me your phone number and address at Luke's place?
Mr. Rozzi: Why? So you can check up on me or something? I'm not going to hurt myself, if that's what you're thinking.
Dr. Balis: That's good. But I am somewhat concerned. Are you sure you won't do anything rash?
Mr. Rozzi: Dude, you should know by now that I have always been a storm. I'll get over myself, eventually. Do you know what the worst part of all of this is? It's that we live in a world where people find it easy to be mean-spirited and nasty. We all have the capacity for both kindness and cruelty, especially me--and that bothers the hell out of me. Look at what I did, at how crazy I became. I feel so guilty about it, and there's nothing I can do to fix it or take it back. But I want to take it back so badly.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: But I guess that this is where the learning begins. This is the point where I tell myself: "Never again." I guess it's important to remember all the possibilities I still have ahead of me. Life won't always be pain and suffering, right? I'll grow stronger from this. I will find hope again.
Dr. Balis: I understand.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, at least I got the revenge factor out of my system, but at what price? That's what's been on my mind, too. At what price?
Dr. Balis: Well, I'm glad to hear you aren't still having revenge fantasies. When you think in terms of revenge and hostility...
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, it only puts me in an endless cycle of going around in mental circles. It's so self-defeating, it holds back my spirit. Someday, I'll look back at all of this, and I think I'll realize just how blind and irrational it all really was.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: It's the same thing with making rash decisions, like the way I left Katherine's.
Dr. Balis: I agree. So what are you going to do about that?
Mr. Rozzi: I guess I need to call her right away, huh?
Dr. Balis: That would be the considerate thing to do. I'm sure she is very worried about you.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I suppose so. Shit! I am such an idiot sometimes.
Dr. Balis: No, Alex. You just need to stop and think before you act.
Mr. Rozzi: I know, I know. But how many times do you have to remind me? You'd think I would have memorized that concept by now. Well, I guess I'll call her tonight, when I get back to the condo. Here, I'll write down the address and number for you.
Dr. Balis: Thank you, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Oh, I didn't finish telling you about my mom and Cecil.
Dr. Balis: Oh yes, what happened?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I went to see Cecil before I came here today. And while we were talking, my mom slammed open the door and barged in like a mad woman. She was so pathetic! So she interrupted us and started yelling at me, "How could you do this?" It was all shit like that. She was ranting and raving, and finally, Cecil said, "Larraine, shut up!" And she just stood there, with her mouth opened in shock. She hasn't been told to shut up nearly enough in her life, the bitch! But that caught me off guard, too, you know? I didn't expect Cecil to say something like that, but he had had enough of her, too--all her endless phone calls, and bitching, and all the other stuff. He told her, "Sit down!" And she just sort of crumbled into her chair.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: So he laid it out for us. The tape the police have is proof that I didn't beat Benny up as badly as he was found to be. According to Cecil, when that person kicked open the front door, the camera got knocked over, but it was still running, only it was filming the ceiling or something. But they got a voice on tape, and it wasn't mine. So now the police are looking for someone else, a man.
Dr. Balis: Oh.
Mr. Rozzi: And a day or so before he was so badly beaten up, Benny was in a couple of fights, and someone had left a message on his voice mail, threatening him. And it's the same voice as on the videotape. They have all this evidence that proves that I wasn't the one who put Benny in a coma. So Cecil thinks that they'll drop most of the case against me. There's still the matter of aggravated assault and torture, but Cecil seems to think that it will be dropped to a lesser charge. And they may even end up filing charges against Benny for breaking the restraining order and assaulting me, at least that's what Cecil hopes for. So it looks pretty good as long as Cecil can put up a good argument and convince the judge of all this.
Dr. Balis: Let's hope, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, you and me both, dude! You and me both. My mom just sat there with her stupid mouth shut. When I got up to leave, she stopped me and started to say something, but I just told her not to start with me, I didn't want to hear anymore. For a minute there, she looked almost defeated and sunk back down into her chair. Then she said...and I, uh...well, I don't know. It's too strange, really. But it kind of tugged at my heart a little, too. And I got choked up, like I'm getting now.
Dr. Balis: What did she say to you?
Mr. Rozzi: She told me that she wanted me home for Thanksgiving, that she wanted her family to be together, like we should be, and that she'd be very happy if I would come. Can you believe that? She runs so hot and cold, it's no wonder I'm all fucked up half the time.
Dr. Balis: Are you going to accept her invitation?
Mr. Rozzi: I told her I'd think about it as long as she promised me she wouldn't give me any shit, and she said she wouldn't. I told her I'd let her know in the morning. I think I'll probably go--I don't have anywhere else to go, and I really missed little Aaron and my...uh, Mark. I've missed them both a lot.
Dr. Balis: I hope it goes well for you, Alex. I hope your Thanksgiving will turn out to be a happy one.
Mr. Rozzi: Thanks. Me too, dude. Well, I should be going now. I've got to call Katherine. Happy Thanksgiving, Charles.
Dr. Balis: Happy Thanksgiving, Alex. I'll see you next week.
Mr. Rozzi: Okay, later.
Dr. Balis: Goodbye, Alex.
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