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Ms. Bows:
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Hello, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Sylvia. Please sit down. So do you want to talk
about this weekend?
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Ms. Bows:
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Wow. Right to business. Well, I would like to give you
this first. This is my family tree. When Rene and I spent the night
together, we talked about our past and about our families and our futures.
While we talked, we made collages out of the old magazines the hotel had
around. They are supposed to represent portraits of Rene and me, my brother,
my mother and father, and Rene's father--my uncle. We took some artistic
license in coming up with these images. I think there's some emotion in
there too. Yesterday, I took them to work and scanned them in to produce
a short computer version. I brought you a disk. I thought you might want
to take a look at it.
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Dr. Balis:
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I would, indeed.
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Ms. Bows:
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There is also some text with each image. Most of it I wrote.
But some sections have been heavily influenced by Rene. I think it is obvious
where her contributions are.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'll take a look at it tonight. Unless you would like
me to take a look right now?
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Ms. Bows:
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No, tonight is just fine and I think that now we have some
important things to discuss. I know that you're worried about the effect
that Zoloft has had on me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, Zoloft can have some behavioral side effects. I have
some concern that recent changes in your behavior could be caused by the
drugs rather than by events in your life.
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Ms. Bows:
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I have to say that after seeing Rene and her reaction to
me, I have some concerns, too. Well, not concerns exactly, but I guess I
really am a little different.
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Dr. Balis:
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Oh? How did Rene react?
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Ms. Bows:
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Well, Rene was surprised that I was so...so bold.
She thought I was bolder. Not just my actions but even my mannerisms.
She didn't think it was a bad thing. Actually, she said it was kind of refreshing
after so many years of what she called "corporate contamination."
But she did think it was different.
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Dr. Balis:
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When you're talking about actions, do you mean your affair
with Richard?
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Ms. Bows:
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Please understand, I don't regret anything I have done
so far. In fact I think I needed some sort of catalyst to get my
true self out in the open again. If Zoloft has been that catalyst, then
all the better. You have to understand, Doctor, that living with Tom
all these years has greatly altered my behavior and even personality. I
used to be more daring in the past. I took more chances. I felt stronger
about things. I marched for causes I believed in and wrote passionate articles
which I hoped would change the world. I even got arrested once in a march
and spent time in jail. I might have been over the top sometimes, but I
always gave all of my intellect and passion to the causes I fought for.
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Dr. Balis:
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You said there was a change?
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Ms. Bows:
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Yes. Because of Tom's urgings, I made career moves that,
while intellectually challenging, were more and more devoid of emotion and
social content. When I was a technology reporter, I wasn't a techno-geek
like so many of my colleagues. I could report on advances in medicine along
with a new Nintendo model, so there was a sense that it was still partly
for the public good, somehow. I just wasn't part of the "gee whiz"
school of technology reporting. But then I got this job offer that Tom insisted
I take...the pay raise was huge...and I moved into the private sector. But
it's hard for me to get very passionate about a circuit board. Personally
I don't get too teary-eyed about advances in computer gaming technologies.
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Dr. Balis:
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So you're saying that by moving away from journalism and
the political causes of your youth, you felt a lack of public service?
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Ms. Bows:
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I guess what I'm saying is that these sessions have made
me realize that there is something that I was missing in my life.
I don't know if it is public service, because I think that my decision to
have children is also a consequence of feeling this emotional void. Really,
I think it is trying to have a purpose in life, sort of a reason for
existing. My purpose for doing things has changed. Perhaps my behavior
last week was a bit too much of a change all at once. But I think I can
handle it now.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Bows:
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By the way, I felt bad about that nipple thing last
week. It was very naughty of me. I guess that I was just trying to
shock you a little. I promise to behave better in your company. I really
like you, Doctor, and I'm surprised just how important it is to me that
you have a good opinion of me.
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Dr. Balis:
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I think very highly of you, too. And it's natural that in
the course of these intimate conversations that you are concerned about
how you come across. Because in therapy you are opening up who you are in
a very fundamental way to another person. That can be really frightening,
in addition to very rewarding. And when you have shared yourself at that
level, it's important not to feel rejected. So believe me when I say that
you are really a very sensitive, intelligent, and warm person for whom I
have the greatest measure of regard.
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Ms. Bows:
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Wow. Thank you very much, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Now, bringing out your emotions and getting in touch with
your feelings is important. But I'm still not convinced about your ability
to handle the medication. I'd be very unhappy if the drugs were responsible
for changes in your behavior that you later regret when the drug has worn
off.
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Ms. Bows:
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I really think that the drug's major effect has been
to make it possible for me to get some perspective and be able to see my
life sort of from the outside. I don't want to give that up now. I don't
think it is an aphrodisiac or something.
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Dr. Balis:
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Look, if it's important to you, I am willing to give
it another week or so, but please let me know of all the changes in
your behavior and feelings. I want you to be able to enjoy your emotions
and feel in control of your life without long term dependence on any medication.
You have a very strong character and a lot of will power. I believe that,
through our sessions, you'll be able to achieve the same perspective as
you can with Zoloft.
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Ms. Bows:
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Thank you, Doctor. I'll be good.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'll let that pass. Now, I gather Rene has been a great
influence in your life. Would you like to talk about your relationship with
her?
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Ms. Bows:
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You're right, Doctor. Rene has been a strong force in my life.
Her mother died in a terrible car accident when Rene was only five.
Uncle Phillip, her father, took her death very hard. I think he might have
blamed himself for what happened. He owns a vineyard in the South of France.
During one of the local wine festivals, he got a really bad flu. So Aunt
Angelina took his place in representing their winery during a wine tasting
at the festival. It has always struck me how little things can lead to catastrophic
consequences. When she was ready to come home, her car wouldn't start. It
was something that Phillip had dealt with before by taking the car a couple
of times to a mechanic in town and getting it fixed, but they never really
quite got it. Anyway, the car wouldn't start so someone at the festival
offered to give her a ride home. He turned out to be drunk and lost control
of the car. Ironically, the driver was basically fine, but Aunt Angelina
broke her neck. I was only two, but it was really hard on all of us. After
that, Rene used to live with us in Paris during the school year and, in
the Summers, Rene and I would go and live with Uncle Phillip at the vineyard.
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Dr. Balis:
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You mentioned you had a brother.
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Ms. Bows:
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My brother wasn't born yet. Jeorge is five years younger
than me.
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Dr. Balis:
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So Rene and you were close since early childhood?
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Ms. Bows:
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Rene was..is three years older than I am. In the beginning,
I thought of her as a grown woman. When she first came to live with us,
I was only about two. I have vague memories of when Aunt Angelina died.
I remember my Papa crying and my Mother's face. Aunt Angelina's funeral
was in April. At that time of year, there are no leaves on any of the vines
and they just look like a bunch of scary sticks. I remember being scared
of the vines. They were black, gnarled, and disfigured. I also have
a memory of Rene tickling me on my feet, unmercifully. I guess it was that
first summer she spent with us.
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Dr. Balis:
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How old were you when you spent your first summer with
your Uncle?
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Ms. Bows:
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It was the next summer. I was almost four by then.
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Dr. Balis:
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You were very young to be without your mother for the
whole summer.
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Ms. Bows:
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It was okay. Rene took good care of me. She sort of
adopted me and even told me that she was my "summer mother."
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Dr. Balis:
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So Rene was very protective of you.
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Ms. Bows:
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Very! Still is.
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Dr. Balis:
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Tell me about your relationship later on as you got older.
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Ms. Bows:
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After a while we became best friends. We were inseparable.
Although she never let me forget that she was older than me. By three whole
years.
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Dr. Balis:
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How did this difference in ages express itself?
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Ms. Bows:
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I think Rene thought that it was her job to experience
things first. She would decide whether something was a good or bad thing
and, if she approved, she would share her knowledge with me and introduce
me to whatever the new experience was. There were quite a variety of new
experiences which she approved of.
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Dr. Balis:
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For example?
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Ms. Bows:
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Oh, Rene taught me how to smoke. And how to hide the
fact from my parents. Rene had sex first and thought it was her job to properly
prepare me for the experience. Rene even arranged my first time.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did Rene's leadership bother you?
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Ms. Bows:
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Sometimes. Once, when I was in the fifth grade, I told
Rene that a boy in my class touched my breasts. She thought that it was
too early for me to engage in this kind of activity. She went to my school
and punched this poor boy out in front of everyone. I felt very humiliated.
I didn't talk to her for a whole day.
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Dr. Balis:
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It sounds like Rene still behaved like your mother-protector.
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Ms. Bows:
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Yes, I guess that's true. But she also did a lot of things
that a mother wouldn't do.
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Dr. Balis:
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Like teaching you how to smoke?
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Ms. Bows:
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And how to kiss. And how to get high. I guess she was sort
of a cross between a mother and an older sister.
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Dr. Balis:
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How old were you when you first tried illegal substances?
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Ms. Bows:
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Fourteen. I remember that it was quite an adventure.
Rene was visiting us in San Francisco. She was approached by this older
guy who was selling some marijuana. She called me at home and told me she
was going with this guy to his boat, where he apparently kept his stash.
She called me to let me know just in case this guy killed her. She
thought that he might try to dispose of her body in the river, weighted
down with stones. I told her that she was insane to go with him if she felt
this way. Rene laughed and said that she was exaggerating. But she did manage
to mention that he was thin and blond in his thirties, that he limped, and
that he had a boat named Elizabeth. I think she was really scared, but
she was going to do it anyway. I was supposed to cover for her, but
Rene was gone the whole night and only came back at about four the next
morning. By that time, I was ready to tell everything to my parents and
call the police. The next evening, I smoked my first joint.
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Dr. Balis:
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And?
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Ms. Bows:
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Actually, nothing happened. I was expecting to really
get stoned. Hallucinate and everything. But I didn't feel anything at all.
It was quite a disappointment. Rene said that it was just because
it was the first time, and I guess she was right because it definitely
worked later on.
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Dr. Balis:
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Sylvia, our time is up.
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Ms. Bows:
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That's fine, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'd like to schedule another appointment in a week. How
is this same time and day next week?
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Ms. Bows:
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It's okay for me.
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Dr. Balis:
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All right, 4 pm on Tuesday, July 30th. And Sylvia,
I want you to seriously examine your changes in behavior and at our next
session we will decide on your medication. Okay?
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Ms. Bows:
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Yes, Doctor. I'll do my homework.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'll take a look at your computerized family tree tonight.
Goodbye, Sylvia. I know I always say it, but please feel free to give me
a call for any reason.
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Ms. Bows:
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Yes, Doctor. Thank you. Goodbye.
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###
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Sylvia Bows' Family Collage Project
Transcripts of Sylvia Bows' Therapy Sessions
