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Ms. Green:
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Hello Doctor. I'm so sorry I'm this late. I was at the Seybold
Conference at the Moscone Center. SII has a booth there and I've been running
around for the last couple of days. We are trying to feature our products
and check out the competition and all that. You know you should go too,
Doctor. I bet you don't know half the stuff that goes on at SII. This would
give you a good idea of what's out there and what we are trying to do. And
you might just like it, if you don't mind large crowds. Personally I get
a bit claustrophobic in situations like these but...I am really sorry that
I'm late.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hello Anna. I understand, but do try to be on time for
our sessions.
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Ms. Green:
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I'll try never to let this happen again. I hate to think
that you might've been angry with me.
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Dr. Balis:
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I wasn't angry, Anna.
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Ms. Green:
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Oh good. I was worried. You know, you are one of the nicest
men I know. Other men just wait for an opportunity to take advantage of
you. But you listen and understand, and I never get a feeling that you would
use anything I say to you to hurt me. I just hope that you don't find me
too boring.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm glad you trust me, Anna. And you really don't have
to worry about being boring. Besides for being irrelevant, you are a complex
and interesting woman who I venture to guess is never boring. Now why don't
we talk about your week. How have you been feeling?
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Ms. Green:
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I've been thinking about what you said about using sex
to get people to like me. I'm not sure that this is exactly what I'm doing.
I think that my mannerisms come out as being flirty or something. But I
am honestly not aware of coming on to people. And I'm always taken by surprise
when men would say to me that I have been acting as if I wanted them.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you think it is that men are misinterpreting?
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Ms. Green:
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I don't know. I've always felt free to talk about things
I feel or think. Just because I might have a fantasy about someone, doesn't
mean that I actually want to fulfill any of it.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Ms. Green:
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One of the guys at work called me a tease. But I know
I'm not. Just because we have cubicles next to each other and I sometimes
come over and rub his shoulders doesn't mean that I want him. I'm just being
nice.
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Dr. Balis:
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So all you did was rub his shoulders?
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Ms. Green:
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Pretty much. Well, we also talk about sex a lot. But I'm
the only female in my department. The guys all talk about it so I do too.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that. They don't think of themselves
as coming on to each other, do they? So why should it be different with
me?
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Dr. Balis:
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What kind of things do they talk about?
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Ms. Green:
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They talk about their dates and if they had sex. They
talk about what they like. Sometimes I think they do things just to see
if I get shocked or offended. But I never do. I think it's fun. I get to
learn this way.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did they always talk about sex in front of you?
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Ms. Green:
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No. Before I started to date Bill, they were always on
their best behavior around me. They never even cursed or anything. I think
they thought of me as very proper. Or maybe Julian talked to them about
me and how to behave.
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Dr. Balis:
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Julian's your boss?
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Ms. Green:
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Yeah. In any case, after Bill they all sort of loosened up. Somehow,
the whole Bill things made me more human. I even stay for their stag parties
after hours sometimes.
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Dr. Balis:
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What kind of parties?
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Ms. Green:
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Oh, sometimes the guys would go out to rent movies and
get a pizza. And then the whole department would get together in our conference
room and just party. The movies usually tend to be of questionable taste.
But that's where I saw my first x-rated flick. I'm amazed that they like
this sort of thing. There's never a story line and they are not emotionally
satisfying a bit. They are all just about doing it. Now I just stay if they
get some horror stuff. The porno thing is just not for me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Your department gets together to watch porno movies at
SII?
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Ms. Green:
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Sometimes. It's not a big deal, really. From what they
talk about, the only person who seems to get laid there is David. And he's
a real cad.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. And Julian knows all about this?
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Ms. Green:
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Sure. He is the one who usually gets the movies. But I
want to tell you about David.
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes?
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Ms. Green:
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You wouldn't believe what he did.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm?
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Ms. Green:
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He finally got me alone in the copy room. I don't know how
he managed it because I've been very careful at avoiding being alone with
him. But he did. He asked if I would be interested in staying late at SII
that night. Everyone would be at the conference and then would probably
go home and not come back to the office. So he thought we could go for a
repeat performance, so to speak. I told him that I wasn't interested in
a relationship with him. And he said that was all right, he wasn't interested
in getting seriously involved with me either. He just thought that we might
get together just for sex. He said that since we both know that we are HIV
negative there wouldn't be any risk and we could really have some fun with
no strings attached. Imagine that? He just wanted to use me to get some
tensions out. I told him that he could use something inflatable if he was
that desperate.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Ms. Green:
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But he kept saying that I just don't know how good he is.
And if I just give him a chance to reciprocate, I would know what true sexual
pleasure is really like and so on. Finally, I just told him that I would
rather use a vibrator--no emotional attachments, no fear of pregnancy, and
it would definitely feel a hell of a lot better.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you use vibrators?
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Ms. Green:
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Caren got me one as a present some months ago. At first I
though it was really sick. But now it's sort of a guilty pleasure. When
I am with a man, I'm too self conscious and busy dealing with him to really
let go and enjoy myself. With the vibrator, it's all about me and how I
feel. And I tend to have very elaborate fantasies when I do it so...it just
works for me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Could you describe some of the fantasies?
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Ms. Green:
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I feel very self conscious about them.
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Dr. Balis:
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If you would rather not...
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Ms. Green:
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No. I don't think it would be that bad telling them to you,
Doctor. Well, it's usually nothing very specific. Just a collections of
feelings. But there was this letter that I read in a Penthouse magazine
once. It was about a woman standing in a crowd at night watching fireworks.
It's really warm and she is wearing a summer dress with a long full skirt.
There are lots of people all around her watching the fireworks. Suddenly,
she feels a pair of hands gently caressing her hips. She finds this very
exciting and it turns her on. She begins to feel a man pressing against
her back. Then his hands slowly lift her skirt above her waist in the back
and she could feel him pushing inside her. She never turns around to see
him and just enjoys the feeling. I found this story very exciting somehow.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you fantasize about being that woman?
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Ms. Green:
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Not exactly. Please understand that in real life I would
hate all of this. But in a fantasy...there is just something about it. A
feeling of being taken and being out of control somehow. I think that that
is what turns me on. Letting go like that. Not knowing what's going to happen
next. When I use the vibrator, I fantasize about this feeling of being out
of control. I'm not really sure if I'm explaining it well, Doctor. It's
like a feeling of surrender.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did you ever have this fantasy when you are with a partner?
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Ms. Green:
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Yes. It's much harder though. There is too much to think
about when you are with another person. You know the first time I had an
orgasm it was with Bill. We were having intercourse and it just took me
by surprise. It never really happened that way again. Maybe I just knew
too much or was hoping for it to happen and that interfered somehow with
this whole process. I don't know. I told Caren about it and that's when
she gave me the vibrator. She even said that it was better than any men
she had and she's had quite a few.
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Dr. Balis:
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So most of your sexual fantasies are about losing control
in a sexual situation?
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Ms. Green:
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Pretty much. Remember when I told you about hot tub jets?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes.
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Ms. Green:
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The jets of water are sort of like that.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Ms. Green:
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You can't control how the water flows. In any case, we are
terribly out of time. I will try never to be late again.
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Dr. Balis:
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Okay. Our next session is on Thursday, September 19th
at 4 pm, okay?
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Ms. Green:
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That's great. I'll see you then. Goodbye Doctor. Think good
things about me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Your conference is on tomorrow too, right? I saw a coupon
for a free pass in the newspaper so maybe I will stop by. Goodbye, Anna.
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Ms. Green:
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I'll look for you, Doctor.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Anna Green's Communications
