Transcript of 44th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alex Rozzi, Wednesday, May 6, 1998 at 5:00 pm.

Mr. Rozzi: Hey, Doc.
Dr. Balis: Hello, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, we found him.
Dr. Balis: Luke?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, but that hasn't really changed a lot between us.
Dr. Balis: Why?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I don't know. He doesn't seem to understand anything that went on between me and Cami. He won't even try to understand. And I'm not sure even I understand what was happening between her and me. I'm kind of feeling really embarrassed by the whole thing, you know?
Dr. Balis: What is it that you are embarrassed by?
Mr. Rozzi: It's hard to explain. Luke was in Carmel. His dad had a heart attack and ended up in the hospital. That's why I couldn't find him. He turned up last week. Last Thursday, I called his dad's house, and Luke picked up the phone. I was speechless when I heard his voice, and I asked him what he was doing there. Well, he didn't even realize that the San Francisco police department thought he was a missing person--he didn't show up for his job, and his car was abandoned and then towed from such a remote place. I mean you don't just leave your car like that, you know? You call people to let them know, so they don't worry about you.
Dr. Balis: What was Luke's explanation?
Mr. Rozzi: I told you already, his dad had a heart attack. Before Luke knew about his dad and after he walked in on Cami and me, he went over to Baker Beach and his car broke down. He got a ride back from someone--a stranger, I guess. When he got back to his condo, he got the call for his dad and then took a bus down to Carmel. I was mad that he didn't call anybody to tell them where he was. But he said he wasn't thinking about anything else but his father, not to mention that he was mad at me anyway. So almost an entire week passed before anyone heard anything about him, and he couldn't understand what the big deal was. And I was bent over all of this; it was making me crazy. I was calling his dad's house every day; I knew someone would answer at some point. But still, things are different between us now. Forever maybe. They're definitely different and strange.
Dr. Balis: How so?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, they just are, believe me. This thing with Cami and me has really twisted me all up, you know? What was I thinking? It's like...does this mean I'm not gay? Am I straight or what? What's up with all that? It's been real confusing for me. It's like on one hand, Cami and I have this certain chemistry thing going on and all that, you know? Then my relationship with Luke is pretty much over because of my stupidity and because I didn't pay attention to what I was doing. So much for self-anesthetizing with pot--I became so stupid with that shit, you know? I totally blow it with Luke and with Cami, too. And it was all such perfect timing, too. First, my mom spills the beans about the shoplifting. And then...
Dr. Balis: Actually, Luke's issues with S&M dated quite far back.
Mr. Rozzi: Oh, thank you very much, dude! Okay, so you're right. First, I was stupid because I was doing S&M and Cami, even though I really had a lot of fun with that. I think that's the main thing that Luke was jealous about. Then, he didn't like the fact that I was smoking dope so much--and we were smoking a lot, if I do say so myself, but I already knew that and you did, too. But what really changed things for him was when he walked in on her and me doing...that's what I think has permanently damaged things for us. And I don't understand that part myself. I thought I was pretty secure in the idea that I was gay. Now, how do I know if I'm not straight or something?
Dr. Balis: I can understand your doubts and confusion about your sexual preference right now. But some people are attracted to both sexes.
Mr. Rozzi: Oh, no. That's even more confusing! You mean I'm bi? Well, I don't know. It's not like I'm suddenly attracted to all women or anything like that. I told Katherine about it, and she seemed to know just what to say. She told me that she knew some guy in high school who dated and had sex with girls and then later turned out to be gay. This really isn't the same thing, but it's close. And other people who have been with both men and women, at the same time even...I hadn't even thought about this before. How totally naive can I be? I'm sure people have three-way sex all the time, but that's not anything I am into. I am so grossed out by what we did. And I can't even think about what's going through Cami's mind. And why am I tripping about this so much? I'm never going back to that again, no way!
Dr. Balis: Alex, it is important to understand that people can become sexually aroused by a wide variety of things. Some people are constantly attracted to both sexes, some people alternate, going back and forth, while others stick to one. There's a wide diversity in the things that turn people on. There's as much variety in sexual attraction as there are in people generally. I know how confusing it all seems right now. You need more time to go over this in your mind, don't try to figure it all out at once. And you have other issues to deal with as well.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, since Luke is not going to be around for a while, I'm going to stay away from sex with anyone for now, too. I don't need to be all confused like this; I have enough else going on these days.
Dr. Balis: Well, I think abstinence might be a good idea. Alex, you have major issues surrounding Benny and Joe that haven't been resolved yet. These issues effect every aspect of your day to day life. I really think it would do you a lot of good to work those things out here, with me.
Mr. Rozzi: But I told you already. I don't want to keep reliving the past! Shit! Oh, great! Here it comes. Thanks a lot, Doc.
Dr. Balis: Here, Alex, here's a tissue.
Mr. Rozzi: Fuck! See what you made me do? See? It's not like I really need this shit right now.
Dr. Balis: It's okay, Alex. These are very strong emotions, and they have been bubbling under the surface for quite some time now.
Mr. Rozzi: I know, I know. It's's...damn it! It's real hard to think about this, okay? It's...well, it's...uh, with Benny...well, the fucker just used me, you know? He just took what he needed and left me hanging. The Joe thing wasn't something that I always put a lot of importance on. I don't know why, but even so...when something...anything comes near my throat, I just turn to stone. It's only when I think about the knife, that I feel something deep inside of me. Other than holding the knife to my throat, what he did to me was very little. But the idea of any sex, any at all, makes me want to hurl my guts out right here.
Dr. Balis: I'd appreciate if you didn't.
Mr. Rozzi: I know, it wouldn't be pretty! So, uh...what do I have to do, Doctor? What do I do to exorcise these demons inside me?
Dr. Balis: Keep talking about it. Keep letting your real feelings out. Every little bit will help release some of the pressure you may feel. Get support--good, healthy support. You mentioned Katherine, she's always been a good friend.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I know. But...
Dr. Balis: But what?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, she's always pretty busy these days. She's into everything. There was that big thing that was going on over at SII. And now, there's the Arts Alliance. And she's up to some other things, too. It's been hard to pin her down lately, you know?
Dr. Balis: But when you do catch up to her, she's a good supportive friend. I encourage you to get the support you need. How about writing your thoughts down?
Mr. Rozzi: Oh no, here we go again. Do you know how many times you have asked me to do that?
Dr. Balis: And I'm asking you again. It doesn't have to be perfect or follow any guidelines. You don't even have to show it to anyone. Just write things down as they come up, to get them out of your system. Writing can be very cathartic. It's surprising sometimes.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I don't know. I do write sometimes, I always have. It's just that I don't do it regularly. I guess I could try. In the meantime, I guess I'm going to have to face Camille. I don't know what to say to her. I saw Regina already, and I know by the way she acted that she didn't know what had happened.
Dr. Balis: How could you tell?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, she would have ripped my eyeballs out or something. She's totally in love with Cami. I hope she doesn't find out about it.
Dr. Balis: So Regina isn't staying at Ralph's anymore?
Mr. Rozzi: At Ralph's? Oh, yeah. That was just for a couple of days. She's back with her dad now. I almost forgot about that. No, that didn't last long. And if she had been staying there, the thing between Cami and me wouldn't have ever happened. Anyway, I'm not smoking any dope right now, maybe never again, I don't know. I thought you'd be happy to hear that.
Dr. Balis: I think it's a positive step, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Regina couldn't believe that I said no to pot, but I did. Somehow, I got to figure out a way to make up with Luke, maybe not necessarily get back together, just make things right between us. I don't want either of us to have any bad feelings towards each other. It's real important to me that he doesn't hold onto any bad feelings. I don't want to be the reason he becomes jaded or anything.
Dr. Balis: That's good, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah? We'll see if I can make that happen. Oh, by the way, I started my labor work bullshit last weekend.
Dr. Balis: Oh?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, it was hard work. Look at my hands. I even got some calluses. They had me and these other two jerks clearing out weeds and brush, and building little retaining walls, and shit like that. And on Saturday, the weather was psychotic--hot and sunny and cool and cloudy, back and forth. I was sweating like a pig out there. I was wiped out. But later that evening, I finally saw Katherine, and we were able to talk. I don't know how she does it. She made me see things--the shit I was doing and stuff like that--in a different way. She talks to me like no other adult does, that's why I like her so much. She has a way with words and ideas. And you're right, she really is a good friend. She could be a good role model for someone like my mother, you know? Oh yeah, speaking of her, the wedding is coming up at the end of the month. You should come. It's guaranteed to be the event of the year, I'm sure. If nothing else, she and I might be getting along by then, and that would be an event in itself!
Dr. Balis: Alex, we're almost out of time. I'd like you to think about writing some of your thoughts down. And, Alex, I'm proud of you for seeing what chronic pot smoking was doing to you.
Mr. Rozzi: Never say never, Doc! I didn't say that I didn't like it. I just said I wasn't doing it right now.
Dr. Balis: That's a step in the right direction. Take care, Alex. I'll see you next week.
Mr. Rozzi: Okay. Later on, dude.
Dr. Balis: Goodbye, Alex.
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