Transcript of 45th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alex Rozzi, Wednesday, May 13, 1998 at 5:00 pm.

Dr. Balis: Oh hello, Alex. How are you doing?
Mr. Rozzi: Good, I guess. I don't know. I have a lot on my mind.
Dr. Balis: Like what?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, it seems that the girls are drifting out of my life. I'm not sure, but it seems that way now. I did see Regina the other day, and she's onto us. She doesn't know what she's onto, but she knows something came down between Camille and me. She didn't come right out and say so, but I could tell that she was wondering what it was. I felt like she was going to blurt out a question or something. I told her that I had found Luke. You know I haven't even seen Cami, and she doesn't know that Luke's okay. She is totally avoiding me. And I guess I'm avoiding her too, still.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: So while I was doing my slug-work on Saturday, Cami was at the Alliance. This means we miss each other there now. And I just know that as soon as Regina figures things out, that she'll try to maim or kill me.
Dr. Balis: You don't really think...
Mr. Rozzi: Oh yes, I do think she will! Definitely, she will. She's the crazy one, remember? She's the one who wanted to go out and find a straight couple and beat the shit out of them. And I think she would do something like that, I really do. But, like...I'm going to be okay, because she's going to have to catch me off guard.
Dr. Balis: Like climb through your bedroom window?
Mr. Rozzi: Dude! I completely forgot about that. She did that one time, didn't she? Hmm...
Dr. Balis: You can get that lock fixed.
Mr. Rozzi: Or maybe I'll just lock the damned thing. Thanks, dude. I don't know what I would've done without you.
Dr. Balis: Well, you seem to be feeling better. You look rested.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I guess I feel pretty well rested. I've really been thinking about stuff, about everything. And I've realized how out of control it must have seemed I was getting.
Dr. Balis: I think you were really pushing the envelope there, even for you.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I guess I was. Do you know what got me to thinking? Did you hear about that car accident up in Santa Rosa last week? Two kids--my age or maybe older, I don't know--were driving while under the influence of pot, and the car went out of control. They ended up in more than serious condition. One of them lost an arm. It really made me think. I was doing that, too. But I wasn't speeding. I don't know anybody who would be able to speed after burning one, you know? And then, there was another accident on Friday night, I think, here in The City. Two or three teenagers crushed, one of them is dead. Now that's even more serious. It really made me sit up and pay attention, I'm telling you.
Dr. Balis: I can see how sobering these incidents are for you.
Mr. Rozzi: Sobering, yeah, really. I don't know. It's's kind of like it was supposed to happen this way for me. I don't know. I'm not making any sense, am I?
Dr. Balis: Yes, you are. Go on.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I had this long talk with Tony. He was supposed to be staying sober, too. He goes to some rehab meeting thing twice a week, and he's supposed to be sober. That was the whole point. But he thinks pot isn't a drug or something. Anyway, we talked about what happened between Cami and me, and he totally laughed about it. He said this kind of thing is more common than I might think--this crossing over thing. Especially in S&M, people trade off from one sex to the other. Well, I told him that it's all too confusing for me. I don't need the bull that comes with crossing over. And do you know what he said then? He said my problem is that I'm all wrapped up in this need to be the tough guy or something and that I wasn't paying attention to what really matters.
Dr. Balis: And what does Tony think really matters?
Mr. Rozzi: Well that's the interesting part. Tony couldn't say what really matters, but I got an answer anyway.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: It came from Roly, of all people.
Dr. Balis: Roly? You haven't mentioned him in a while.
Mr. Rozzi: I know. But he hasn't visited me lately. Well, last weekend, he did, and I think he has made his point now.
Dr. Balis: What happened?
Mr. Rozzi: I dreamt that he and I were walking in this thick, dark forest. It was very primeval with all these thick, twisted trees with dark limbs and bark. It was like the Wizard of Oz or something. There was a paved road, and for some reason I thought it was yellow or gold. I had watched the Wizard of Oz on TV with Racyl and Rhea over at my mom's on Friday night. She and Mark went out and even left Aaron with the three of us. Anyway, where was I?
Dr. Balis: In the forest with Roly.
Mr. Rozzi: Oh yeah, thanks. So we were walking, and it really was like the movie. We had all these things happen, bad things, things we had to fight to get out of. It really felt like I was there, doing all that stuff with him. It felt like it lasted for days and days, you know? Oh yeah, and there was a wicked witch, too. Guess who that was?
Dr. Balis: Must I?
Mr. Rozzi: You don't even have to guess for that one. My mom, of course. Ha! Ha! Can you believe it? So perfect! But anyway, we came to this point--it was just before I woke up--and he told me, totally serious and deep-like while looking me straight in the eye: "Don't let yourself be controlled by other people, follow your own heart." It was something like that. But it really hit me, you know? It was like he made me wake up, literally.
Dr. Balis: How do you feel about it?
Mr. Rozzi: Like I said, it made me wake up. At first, I thought he was talking about S&M. But then I realized that S&M is about being in control and about trusting enough in the other person to also be able to give your control away. But now more than ever, I think that what he really meant was that I need to be less swayed by other people, be less reactive to them, or be less influenced by others. Does that make any sense?
Dr. Balis: It makes sense, Alex. And I agree.
Mr. Rozzi: It won't be all that long before I turn eighteen, and then I can do anything I want. But...
Dr. Balis: But what?
Mr. Rozzi: But by then, I will be legally responsible for all of it, too. It's not that I'm not responsible for my actions now, but it will be different. The courts treat you different when you're eighteen. So, whatever. All this has really got me thinking about things, about what I want to do with my life and my times.
Dr. Balis: And what conclusions have you come to?
Mr. Rozzi: It's hard to say exactly what conclusions I've come to, if any, really. I realize that now is the time for me to begin to concentrate on my life, on what I want to do when I grow up.
Dr. Balis: What do you want to do?
Mr. Rozzi: I want to paint. I want to design and create things. Do you know what I really truly want? I want to be a part of the theater or something like that. I went to see "The Phantom of the Opera" a few months ago and "Swan Lake" the other night. And I've seen a couple of other things, too--"My Castle's Rockin' " at Theater Rhinoceros. I'm entranced by the whole production part of it: the stage sets, the way the sheer drapes hang over the ballroom in "Swan Lake," the way the chandelier comes crashing down in "The Phantom." I'm interested in how it all works. I was even fascinated by the whole production of the Macy's Passport show last year, where I met Luke. Oh great! I had to go and say his name, great! It kind of spoiled the moment.
Dr. Balis: Why?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I've been talking to him, or more accurately, he's been talking to me, but we're not back together yet. And I'm not real happy about the way things are going between us. It's not all bad, I guess, but...
Dr. Balis: What's happening?
Mr. Rozzi: He and I spent the day together on Sunday. We really needed to talk, and I persuaded him to come out with me. We went down the coast to the Moss Beach. Have you ever been to the tide pools there? They are so frigging cool! You've got to go if you haven't been there. There are all these huge tide-pools, and all this sea life in them, shells and starfish in every color imaginable, and all different kind of birds, and...where were we? Oh yeah, Luke. Well, we walked all up and down that beach along the tide pools, and we talked and talked. It seemed like we were getting nowhere mostly. The one thing that stood out the most was his comment about Cami.
Dr. Balis: What did he say about her?
Mr. Rozzi: He said that I was totally under her spell. And I was like, "Who wouldn't be?" She is beautiful, like Cindy Crawford beautiful, and approachable like know? I bet even you would do anything for someone like Cami. Even I think she's pretty hot, and I'm gay. I mean what do I know? But he was like, "You're totally under her magic." And I was all, "Yes, I am under her spell." But I told him that was too simple. It felt almost like we were blaming her for everything that happened, but I was as much a part of it as she was, you know?
Dr. Balis: Very insightful. Since you've stopped smoking marijuana, there has been more clarity in your thoughts. Am I right?
Mr. Rozzi: Yes. I mean, no. I mean...uh, I mean, yes. And since I've stopped, my dreams have been incredibly vivid, like the one I just told you about in full color, the works, you know? This is almost more of a trip than being stoned. But with Luke, I just don't know where any of it is leading. It doesn't seem like we are getting back together, it's just a bunch of talking, around and around, same old, same old.
Dr. Balis: Well, it sounds better than nothing at all. At least you are communicating. If nothing else, you'll be able to put a more positive closure on your relationship. That's better than what many people get.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I know. I guess I should be grateful or something, grateful that at least he's talking to me. He could be an ass about things and totally shut me out, but he's not. So, you're right, it's better than nothing. Luke really is a good guy. I hope we can work things out.
Dr. Balis: I hope so, too, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I hope for the best, but expect the worst. If I try to look at it any other way, I think I may go crazy...again. I know, I know. You head doctors don't like to use that term, uh?
Dr. Balis: No, there's nothing wrong with anything you've said; I understand your context. Well, I'm afraid we've run out of time. I'll see you next week.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, all right. I'll catch you then, dude.
Dr. Balis: Goodbye, Alex, and take care.
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