Transcript of 57th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alex Rozzi, Wednesday, August 5, 1998 at 5:00 pm.

Dr. Balis: Hello, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Hey, dude. Here you go!
Dr. Balis: What's this?
Mr. Rozzi: Those are my truffles. They're real fresh, I just made them. It's the first time I've made them since Thanksgiving, when Aunt Sofie died.
Dr. Balis: Oh yes, I remember.
Mr. Rozzi: I thought about her while I made them. I hope you like them. Once you taste one, you won't want to share them with anyone.
Dr. Balis: Thank you, Alex. Let me try one of these now--they look so professional. Wow! These are fabulous. I'm very impressed, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: I thought you'd like them.
Dr. Balis: I had no idea you were so accomplished. You're right, they do make feel like I should be selfish. I like your T-shirt. It's Stevie Nicks, right?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah! Cami and I went to her concert down at the Shoreline the other night. It was so incredible! Other than the religious fanatic zealous sons of bitches that were there, it was great.
Dr. Balis: More religious fanatics?
Mr. Rozzi: Yes, dammit! I can't seem to get away from them; no matter where I go these days, there they fucking are! As we came walking down the sidewalk to the front gates, I noticed these two guys holding these huge signs. As I got closer, I could read them. I don't really remember exactly what they had written on them, but it was basically the same old "repent and you shall be saved" bullshit. But this one guy was yelling stuff like, "Stevie Nicks is a witch!"
Dr. Balis: A witch?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah! And a whore!
Dr. Balis: Really?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I had more than enough by then, so I walked straight over to the guy, and he looked at me all innocent. And I said, "Fuck you, asshole, you don't even know what you are talking about!" He started to come towards me fast, saying something about Jesus. And I just swung my foot around and pushed him backwards, and he fell on his ass. Quite a few people cheered when I did that. And one girl came up and kicked the guy saying something like, "No one says something like that about Stevie Nicks and gets away with it, you fucking bastard!" He looked so stunned. When he started to get up, I told him he better stay down and keep his mouth shut. By then security arrived, but I was able to disappear with Cami back into the crowd. Other than that, the show was fantastic. And wow, the stage was set beautifully, with these long drapes cascading down all over and a huge lace-trimmed fan opened across the back of the stage. She looked fantastic. Did you know she is fifty years old? Man, she is even older than you are, but she looks great. Uh, not that you don't look great, but she is fifty and she still looks great. That's what I meant.
Dr. Balis: I got it, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Uh, sorry, that didn't come out right. So anyway, Stevie Nicks did all the songs that she hadn't done live before. She just kicked right into it, totally rocked the whole place. Everyone was standing during the entire show, and I just sang out loud--I knew every word. This guy next to me was looking at me. It was obvious he came only because of the girl he was with. He was probably wondering about me, but I just couldn't help myself--I sang along with her. I just love her so much! Then she sang "Rose Garden," and she sang this verse that brought tears to my eyes. It made me think about...guess who? Benny! It's not as if he hasn't been on my mind every single day again lately. The verse went, "One day, I turned around, and you no longer loved me. In my life there's been a big change..." And it hurt my heart a little when I heard it, I don't know, I wish he would just go away. I mean, just when I thought my teenage crisis was over, it's like...I thought I had a chance at starting to rebuild my life from scratch and then...then all these reminders keep coming up. It totally bites.
Dr. Balis: I understand. Do you want to talk about these reminders?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, to start with, the police came over again about that guy.
Dr. Balis: What did they want?
Mr. Rozzi: They wanted to tell me...they asked me more stupid questions. These were the same damn questions as before, the ones I answered seventeen times already. And this is the thing that has brought it all right back in my face! It really has got me all twisted, you know?
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: I was starting to get impatient and snappish with the cop. You'd think I would have learned by now.
Dr. Balis: What happened. Alex?
Mr. Rozzi: Nothing! It's just that...well, he just wouldn't let up. I was telling him all the same things. But it was like he wanted to get me all tangled up, like he was testing me to see if I would crack and tell him something different from before, I guess, I don't know. So finally, I told him flat out that I thought Benny did it because of what happened at the bar. Oh, and the Ralph thinks they are doing some investigation on his bar, like who they let in and how good they are at carding people. Ralph isn't pleased.
Dr. Balis: Why does he suspect there's an investigation of his bar?
Mr. Rozzi: He said the guy who manages the place told him that some people have been coming around with young-looking guys. He said they had to throw out more people lately for being underage. But anyway, Ralph said that I am forbidden from going in that place. Forbidden! And as soon as he said that, I got this strange urge...
Dr. Balis: You didn't go there?
Mr. Rozzi: No. Ha! Ha! Ha! You should have seen the look on your face, dude! You are so funny sometimes, and I lured you right into that, too!
Dr. Balis: Alex...
Mr. Rozzi: Sue me. Oh yeah! Speaking of sue...wait! I didn't finish telling you about the police.
Dr. Balis: Yes, do go on.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, when I told that cop that I thought Benny did it, he agreed. Yes, that's right, he agreed with me. Here's where it gets interesting. He said they need me as a witness so they can pin it on him.
Dr. Balis: Hmm...
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I'm a fucking witness again. I can't believe it. I got kind of pissed and asked him, "After all this shit, all these questions, you knew all along what you wanted from me?" I yelled at him and then I just broke.
Dr. Balis: You broke? What do you mean?
Mr. Rozzi: I fell apart. Right there, in front of the guy, I fell totally into pieces, crying my eyes out like a baby. I mean...shit! I'm sorry, but this is so overwhelming, you know? After a minute or so of crying, I just started laughing out loud. The cop must have thought I was insane--which I am--but he probably thought I was completely berserk, you know? I went through a whole range of feelings in just a matter of seconds. I'm all...when am I going to learn?
Dr. Balis: Huh?
Mr. Rozzi: When am I going to learn to get rid of all this shit? I'm too young to be having constant crisis and all this baggage, you know? My life shouldn't be this complicated. It''s...uh, it's really getting to me.
Dr. Balis: What were you thinking when you went through that rush of emotion?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I was thinking about him, about Benny. He used to say things to me like he loved me; and I would one day live in the cottage in his backyard, and then we would be together all the time. He complemented me and made me feel good about myself. And when things were going great for us--or for him, I don't know the difference anymore--he made me feel like I was the most important person. No one else has ever shown that much interest in me, not like him. And I miss that more than anything else. I miss him.
Dr. Balis: Alex...
Mr. Rozzi: And the drugs I ran and the tricks I did...I did for him. I did it because I thought that those were the things that would make him happy with me. I know I probably shouldn't be missing him...and after everything that has happened...
Dr. Balis: Alex, perhaps you miss the idea of Benny more than you miss the reality of that relationship.
Mr. Rozzi: Hmm? The idea of him...
Dr. Balis: Yes. It's easy to idealize Benny now, when he's gone. But you have to remember that those things he wanted you to do and the things he did with you were wrong and very damaging in the long run. If this had been a relationship based on love rather than tricking and drug running, you may have had an easier time getting through it. I think there were some good things about your relationship with Benny, but the bad far outweighed the good, don't you think?
Mr. Rozzi: But then, why can't I stop thinking about him? Why haven't I learned anything by now? Plus, there's that guy...
Dr. Balis: Who?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I don't know his name, yet. I think I told you about him before. It's the guy who looks like Benny. Well, the day I went to Dore Alley, I saw him again. I was standing in line, waiting for the bathroom. When I turned around, there he was right behind me in line. He was wearing this body harness and a cod-piece. He looked hot! I guess he noticed the look on my face, and he tried starting up a conversation. But I couldn't hear anything he was saying.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: It was not because of any loud music or anything like that. It was because he looked so damn much like Benny. It was like he's a mirror image of him, a little younger maybe. And that's been on my mind ever since. I even had a very...uh, a very vivid and erotic dream about him.
Dr. Balis: Would you tell me about it?
Mr. Rozzi: In my dream, we were still at Dore Alley. He followed me into the bathroom stall. We totally went for it. I feel kind of guilty about it for some reason. He came in and then we were in each other's arms. And before I knew it, he was undoing his cod-piece. And then all of a sudden, I couldn't believe my eyes--I never saw anything quite so...uh...well, I guess you don't really need to know the details, but it was so real. In my dream, I remember him calling me by name, but I didn't know his name. What really stands out about this dream for me is that I didn't even think to call him Benny, which is good I guess.
Dr. Balis: Perhaps. He really looks that much like Benny to you?
Mr. Rozzi: He does. It's too bizarre, especially since we keep running into each other. Oh yeah, before I forget, Ralph got a letter from a lawyer the other day. Regina is trying to sue Ralph.
Dr. Balis: What for?
Mr. Rozzi: For money, what else?
Dr. Balis: No, I mean why is she suing him?
Mr. Rozzi: She says she got injured while on his property--something about Ralph not maintaining his house or something. Ralph has the most perfect, upkept house in the city. Ralph told his lawyer about the damage she did when she broke all those potted plants and shit. Then Regina's lawyer came back saying that the plants were a nuisance and caused her to fall down the steps and impale her hand on the spikes coming out of the iron gate at the bottom as she tried to break her fall.
Dr. Balis: Did she call nine-one-one?
Mr. Rozzi: That's what I asked. No! The bitch is too stupid. She probably needs to call four-one-one to get the number for nine-one-one! But can you believe the nerve of her? Ralph is fighting it. I think he said that the lawyer she hired is some sleaze who tried to sue him before when a drunk fell off one of the platforms in the bar, where he wasn't supposed to be in the first place. Ralph said that the simple fact that he has a gate at the bottom of the stairs will save him--it's called trespassing. She had no business coming up the stairs in the first place, she could have just rung from the street, like a normal person is supposed to do. But she isn't normal. The fucking bitch! I hope she did impale herself on something. She needs to impale her brain. And this is just what Ralph needs since he started chemo.
Dr. Balis: He has? How is that going for him?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, other than refusing food pretty much completely, he says he feels okay. They are putting him on smaller doses than normal because of his already compromised immune system. But at least I have the house under control--all the laundry is caught up with, the dishes are clean, and Ralph's cats are well-fed. So other than the normal insanity in my life, everything else is going along at a rapid-fire pace. Now, if I can just get to sleep without dreaming about Benny or his twin...I know--I can tell by the look on your face that we are out of time.
Dr. Balis: It's okay, Alex. I admire you for all the assistance and support you're giving to Ralph. I know how challenging something like that can be.
Mr. Rozzi: It's not so hard, but thanks, dude!
Dr. Balis: Now I'm afraid we are out of time. Keep hanging in there, and if you need anything, please call.
Mr. Rozzi: All right, see you later, man.
Dr. Balis: Goodbye, Alex.
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