Transcript of 65th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alex Rozzi, Wednesday, October 14, 1998 at 5:00 pm.

Mr. Rozzi: Hey, dude!
Dr. Balis: Hello, Alex. Have a seat. How are you this week?
Mr. Rozzi: It's been a funny time for me, you know? And I don't mean funny as in "ha ha," either.
Dr. Balis: Hmm, why?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, with the return of Benny, and all that's been happening with Ralph and with Ted, and...I feel like I'm in one of those stupid soap operas. But believe it or not, I've been in a pretty good mood, considering. Oh, the other day, I played a trick on everyone at the Alliance. It was pretty funny!
Dr. Balis: What did you do, Alex?
Mr. Rozzi: I'm always asked to change the bottle on the water cooler there. So I got this bright idea to just put the bottle on without taking the cap off. I watched and waited, and you should have seen how funny they were. If I only had a video camera or something...someone would go up to it and try to get some water out. And the first time, a little trickle came out, and then of course nothing happened. But everyone could see that the bottle was full. A couple of people tried pushing down on the button harder. They strained and got this totally serious look on their face.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: And then this one girl decided to rattle the bottle. She got it rocking back and forth pretty good--I thought she was going to tip it off the cooler completely! Everyone who tried it yelled out, "The cooler's broken!" I was totally busting up! So when I thought no one was looking, I fixed it and filled up a big glass full of water and walked around the place drinking it, making sure everyone saw me. Dude, it was so funny!. Hmm, I guess you had to be there. Oh! And Tony has got me to tripping.
Dr. Balis: Tripping?
Mr. Rozzi: Not like drugs! You know, weird stuff.
Dr. Balis: Oh. How is Tony?
Mr. Rozzi: I think it's this coping thing he's doing. At least I hope this is only his strange way of coping. Ever since what's-her-name, you know, that bitch? Ever since she dumped him, he's been doing drag. No, he's living in drag. He's the six-foot-tall doll! And he hangs at the drag clubs and goes to drag parties. I think some of them are drag sex parties, too. One minute, he's all into leather, and the next, he's in Barbie doll drag. And you know how scary I find drag queens to be? Tony goes from one extreme to the other, it's kind of like that fine line between love and hate, I guess.
Dr. Balis: Well, what you've described are both really a form of drag.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I know, but...oh well. That crazy bitch really fucked him up. Oh how I'd love to get my hands on her! Yeah. Talk about fucking people up...uh, never mind.
Dr. Balis: What is it?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, Cecil burst my little bubble the other day.
Dr. Balis: About Benny?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, about Benny. Well, I thought that he was out for good, but he isn't. They did this appeal, and they got some judge to say that the trial was screwed up. So Cecil told me that now Benny has to go to trial again. And guess what they want from me?
Dr. Balis: You're going to have to testify again, aren't you?
Mr. Rozzi: Bingo! Okay, so here I am, all worked up over the fact that he's out and free, thinking that I'm all fucked up because of what he did to me and of what he did Roly. And I'm all...I don't know. I thought this was finished. And now...well, now it's all right back in my face again! I feel betrayed all over again, you know?
Dr. Balis: I understand.
Mr. Rozzi: And the whole thing is that I hate him and I don't. This love thing just doesn't go away because you want it to, does it? For me, it seems to have stayed behind, lingering in my consciousness, kind of mixed up with pain and disappointment, making my heart burn with agonizing pain, confusing it all with hate and anger. I know that I'm not making any sense. Does that make any sense?
Dr. Balis: Yes, it does, Alex. You need to remember to look back to where you were just a year ago...
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I know, but...but even though I haven't seen him...actually, I'm not allowed to see him at all--they got another restraining order against him. He can't come near me. And it works the other way around, too. I can't go near him, lucky for us both I guess.
Dr. Balis: I think that's a good thing.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, well, you would. So I'm all goofed up over this. Like I've told you before, part of me wants him to rot in hell. He really should be paying the price for all the damage he's caused. And I'm not just talking about the damage he caused me, either.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: So I'm thinking about what you said. It's something like that old saying: "What goes around, comes around." But if that were true, then why do they need me? He already slit his own throat with that kid he was busted for and all the videotapes he made. Talk about stupid! What in hell was he thinking when he did that anyway? They have enough on him without me. I'm thinking right now: "This is total déjà vu." Haven't we gone over all of this before? Fuck! I can't seem to get away from this! I'm wondering what I did to have this all come back on me again, you know? Why me?
Dr. Balis: You were the victim, Alex. You were one of many victims. And you should try to remember that.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I know, but part of me wants to see him so badly. I get all mixed up in this love and hate thing. One part of me wants to make him pay--I want to just crush it out of him with my own hands. And then another part of me wants to figure out a way to make it right with him, so that we can both go on with our lives and not have to look back on all this as some huge monstrous mistake. But I don't think that either option is going to be possible, at least not with him, because he is not going to change. And this is where Ted comes into the picture.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: He looks so much like Benny; it's eerie sometimes. And they have a lot in common, too. Well, not a lot really, but a few things are similar besides their looks. Ted is into the Weather Channel, just like Benny was. And Ted finds it so funny that the average temperature in San Francisco is sixty-nine degrees. Benny always laughed about that, too. I never paid attention to stuff like that. Both of them say that sixty-nine is the appropriate temperature for this town with all the fags running around here. It really struck me that they both said this. And another similarity is their perception of the bleeding heart liberals that seem to be everywhere here, too.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: The other day, Ted and I were riding on the Muni, and we came upon some animal rights activists in front of Boston Market. They were all holding up signs, "Animals are our friends" and "Go veggie." It was all shit like that. I know you've seen them, too. Well, Ted just opened up his mouth and said, "Do you think that if animals had the chance, they wouldn't be eating us?" Well, not only did I nearly fall over laughing, but later, I realized that's something that Benny would have said, too. It's so strange how similar they are to one another. The big difference is that Ted doesn't go around accosting young boys like Benny did...or does. As far as I know, Ted doesn't do that. I hope he doesn't do that, otherwise I'd have to kick his ass, you know?
Dr. Balis: Let's hope not.
Mr. Rozzi: So, it's too bizarre sometimes. Oh well, I guess this Benny thing is so far from over for me, uh?
Dr. Balis: Unfortunately, I do think you have a way to go on this.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, a real long way to go.
Dr. Balis: But I think you're doing the right thing by talking to me about all of your feelings about this. Remember that whatever you feel is okay.
Mr. Rozzi: You are so cliché, you know? Uh, I'm sorry. I know you're just trying to help.
Dr. Balis: No offense taken, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: So, where were we? Uh, I don't know. Oh! I forgot to tell you about Ralph. This is real exciting! Remember I told you that he went on the radiation treatment and that he was not doing so well with that?
Dr. Balis: Yes, I remember. How is he doing?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, he's still sick as a rabid dog. I keep calling him the incredible glowing man because he's so pale. But the doctors told him that the size of the tumor has shrunk down to almost nothing, and that is such great news, you know?
Dr. Balis: That's good news, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Ralph is pretty skeptical still, though.
Dr. Balis: Understandably.
Mr. Rozzi: But this is totally a good thing. He still has a few weeks of radiation to go, but it looks pretty good. Miracles do happen sometimes! I remember when I told him that I don't want to inherit any of his stuff, that he needs to stay alive and keep all his shit. And now, it looks like he may just do that. So with all this other shit going on right now, at least Ralph is coming out of it. Now he won't be bagging on me.
Dr. Balis: This's very good news, Alex. I'm very happy to hear that Ralph is doing better.
Mr. Rozzi: So am I, dude, so am I. Well, I've got to be going now. Ralph said he felt like a real meal tonight, and I promised to make him something special. So I need to get over to the store to pick up some groceries for dinner before it gets too late and he changes his mind. I hope you don't mind if I cut things short today.
Dr. Balis: That's fine, Alex. It's just a couple of minutes. We'll see each other next week.
Mr. Rozzi: Okay. Well, thanks a lot, dude. I'll see you later.
Dr. Balis: Take care, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: You too, man. Bye!
Dr. Balis: Goodbye, Alex.
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