Transcript of 13th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Ms. Anna Green, Thursday, September 26th, 1996 at 4 pm.

Ms. Green: Hello Doctor. How was your week?
Dr. Balis: Hello Anna. It was good, thank you. How was yours?
Ms. Green: Had any pleasant dreams lately?
Dr. Balis: Anna, we are here to talk about you.
Ms. Green: So your dreams will forever remain a mystery to me?
Dr. Balis: Yes they will. So how was your week?
Ms. Green: I had pleasant dreams. Mostly about you, Doctor.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Ms. Green: Would you like me to talk about them?
Dr. Balis: If you like.
Ms. Green: I would actually. But first I think I would like to talk about an evening with Caren. We got together last Friday night to do the girl thing--watch a couple of movies and to just talk. I talked a lot about you, you know. I'm sure Caren never met a man like you. I told her what you look like and how you play with your pencil when the conversation gets a little uncomfortable for you. You didn't think I would notice, did you?
Dr. Balis: I didn't...I never noticed that I do that. And you don't make me feel uncomfortable Anna. I'm sure that I play with the pencil all the time. It's a bad habit. Here, I'll put the pencil away, okay?
Ms. Green: Whatever you like, Doctor. By the way, you only play with the pencil when we talk about sex. And don't deny it. I've tested my theory on several occasions.
Dr. Balis: I see.
Ms. Green: Should I continue talking about Caren and me?
Dr. Balis: Oh, please. Go on.
Ms. Green: I told Caren about your eyes. You have the most intense eyes. When you look at me sometimes, I feel like you are actually touching me. Don't look away Doctor, it doesn't bother me. I like it. I told Caren just how much I enjoy our time together, Doctor. There is a feeling of freedom when I lay myself open in front of you--when I allow myself to be exposed to you in the most intimate ways. Caren couldn't begin to understand. She's never experienced this kind of closeness. But there was something that she brought up that made me...I don't know, a little uneasy.
Dr. Balis: What is that?
Ms. Green: It's so one-sided. I tell you everything and you tell me nothing.
Dr. Balis: That's the nature of therapy.
Ms. Green: I guess. But it makes me wonder how it would have been if we met under different circumstances. I wonder if you would have noticed me. I think I would have noticed you. There is something about you that I find very attractive. I tried to describe it for Caren but I couldn't. But I guess I have plenty of time to figure out what it is. Right?
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Ms. Green: But I was telling you about the one-sidedness of our relationship. It is almost like you can give me pleasure but I'm not allowed to touch you. I recognize this feeling. Usually I'm on the other side of this kind of relationship--I'm the one to do all the giving. You are a big change for me.
Dr. Balis: Why do you think you tend to be in unequal relationships? Why do you think you tend to do all the giving?
Ms. Green: I've thought about it a lot. I think that it's easier. You never build up any expectations of the other person. If I don't allow anyone to get that close to me, there is less chance of being hurt. Right?
Dr. Balis: What about Bill?
Ms. Green: Bill wasn't my idea if you remember. I wasn't interested in him. He pursued me and when I let him get close to me, he dumped me. I'm not stupid. I can learn. As long as there is a chasm between me and another person, I can stay safe. But were able to build a bridge. The closer you get to me, the safer you make me feel. Sometimes I have this image in my head. Or maybe it's in my body. I'm a rock lying on a deserted beach. I can only look up. I can see the sky and feel the wind rush past me. But the tide is coming in. I can feel the water touching my edges. I should feel scared because I know that I will drown soon. But I feel only pleasure. With each wave, the water moves closer to my center. I feel like I'm being swallowed whole. I'm in ecstasy. I watch the sky getting redder as the sun sets. I begin to see stars. All the time the water is rising. Soon I won't be able to see the sky. I'm sinking deeper and deeper into the water. There is just the tiniest tip left above the water. The next wave will roll over the top. I will be completely wet. As the wave rolls over and away, the wind rushes by me. I can feel the water evaporating--the wind ripping the water molecules of my body. I feel a chill. But most of my body is underwater now and it is warm and caring in there. This image is so hypnotic to me. It is as if I become this rock for real. I surrender to the waves, my immobile body completely unable to resist. I think of the ocean as you, Doctor.
Dr. Balis: Do you have this dream often?
Ms. Green: Yes. I thought of describing it to Caren, but I didn't think she would understand. I even planned a little hands-on demonstration for her.
Dr. Balis: What did you do?
Ms. Green: I live in a very old Victorian apartment. I have a huge bathroom with 12 foot ceilings and a window looking out on Coit Tower. I set up candles all around the bathtub. It's an old fashioned cast iron kind with lion's feet. There's room enough for two. When Caren came over, we had a some wine and I suggested taking a bath together.
Dr. Balis: Was Caren interested?
Ms. Green: She thought it was a good idea. I started the water and turned off the light. We undressed under the candlelight. I think you might like Caren. She has a very sensuous body. It's not beautiful in a classical sense. She has small breasts, she usually doesn't even wear a bra. She is fairly small, only about five feet two or so. But she seems to exude sexuality.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Ms. Green: Really Doctor, I think you would have found her attractive. It was already dark outside when we got into the bath. We could see the lights of the Tower through the open window and the only other light was the lit candles. We were facing each other, sitting in the tub, and drinking our wine. It was a little like my rock and the ocean fantasy. My breasts were submerged only to the tip of my nipples although Caren's were almost entirely underwater. I started to tell her about you. I told her about your eyes, and your lips, and your fingers. It's rare that I get to see your whole body, but the features that I have access to I have observed and memorized to a minute detail.
Dr. Balis: Me?
Ms. Green: Are you surprised? Caren said that it was turning her on to listen to me describe your fingertips.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Ms. Green: As I was talking I could see the expression on her face begin to change. She was breathing heavier and heavier. Her whole body was glistening and as she breathed, her breasts moved in and out of the water. I'm not sure I'm very good at describing to you how it all looked and felt that evening.
Dr. Balis: You're doing okay.
Ms. Green: But her reaction was getting me excited too. I hope you can understand how I felt. I was talking to Caren about you and was very surreal, Doctor. I wish you could have been there. Or better, if you could have watched unseen. I think you would have dreamt about us then.
Dr. Balis: So you never described to Caren your fantasy about the rock in the ocean?
Ms. Green: No. It just wasn't right then. Maybe some other time. Doctor, you're playing with your pencil again.
Dr. Balis: Oh? Do you and Caren do this kind of thing often?
Ms. Green: You mean the whole evening or just the bath tub?
Dr. Balis: Both.
Ms. Green: We get together often. Usually Caren's boyfriend is there too, though. We order pizza and rent a movie or something. Since Caren got involved, it's much harder to see her alone. But I understand. I'm sure that I behave the same way--it takes such a lot of energy and time to have a relationship that sometimes you just have to hope that old friends understand. But we do get a chance to do the girl thing occasionally.
Dr. Balis: Previously, you described a sexual encounter that you had with Caren as an unpleasant experience for you--something that you wanted to consummate as quickly as possible and then forget. I'm surprised that you would purposely instigate a situation where sex with Caren might be a distinct possibility.
Ms. Green: You mean the bath?
Dr. Balis: Yes.
Ms. Green: If Caren were a man, I can see how the whole situation might be misinterpreted that way.
Dr. Balis: A man taking a bath with you at your apartment with candlelight and wine might develop certain expectation, yes.
Ms. Green: But it wasn't like that at all. Caren's a woman.
Dr. Balis: But you had sex with Caren previously and she liked it, right?
Ms. Green: I see. I didn't think of it that way. But she didn't ask me to do anything with her anyway so it's not an issue.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Ms. Green: I mean the whole evening just wasn't about that. We got together to talk about our lives and stuff. And the other thing was just a "one time try it and see how it is" deal. That was about experimenting. Once we had done it there was no need or desire to do it again.
Dr. Balis: Do you think that's how Caren thought about it?
Ms. Green: I don't know. I assume so. In any case, nothing happened Doctor. Really! I'm not a lesbian. I can prove it.
Dr. Balis: You don't have to prove anything to me, Anna.
Ms. Green: Actually I would like to prove that, Doctor.
Dr. Balis: What I was trying to point out is that you have put yourself into a situation where you can potentially get hurt. I'm glad that it didn't turn out that way.
Ms. Green: I'm sorry Doctor.
Dr. Balis: That's not what I mean, Anna. It's not about apologizing to me.
Ms. Green: I know. Sorry Doctor.
Dr. Balis: Anna.
Ms. Green: Oh. I'm so...I think it's just getting late and I'm not thinking straight anymore. I usually come to work quite early on the days of our sessions so I don't have to feel guilty about leaving by four. So my mind is fried.
Dr. Balis: That's okay. Our time is up anyway. I will see you next week, October 3rd at 4 pm, okay?
Ms. Green: I'll be there Doctor. Thank you very much.
Dr. Balis: Goodbye and have a good weekend.
Ms. Green: You too Doctor. Goodbye.
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