Transcript of 46th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alex Rozzi, Wednesday, May 20, 1998 at 5:00 pm.

Mr. Rozzi: Dude!
Dr. Balis: Hello, Alex. You look well. How are you doing?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, it's been one of those weeks. I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.
Dr. Balis: What's been going on?
Mr. Rozzi: Hmm...where do I start? A lot has been going on. First, let's start with Regina. She screwed me, big time. Yeah, she figured it all out. I guess she must have gotten Cami to talk, I don't know. But she ended up screwing herself, too. So it was worth the trouble she caused me.
Dr. Balis: What did she do?
Mr. Rozzi: It all started as an outing, I guess. We were going out; she wanted to talk. Well, before I knew it, we had been driving for a while. I didn't know where she was taking me, but all of a sudden she started screaming at me: "You are not my friend anymore, how could you do this to me, to Cami, to us." It was all things like that. She knew what happened between Cami and me. So I figured she got Cami to spill, you know? Before I could even try to defend myself, she pulled the car over and said, "Get out." I was all, "Wait. No. I don't have any way to get back to the City." And she went, "That's your problem. You're not my friend, you're not Cami's friend, either. You aren't welcome in my house or in my life. Out!" Then she reached over to me--I thought she was going to hit me--opened my door, and sort of pushed me to get out.
Dr. Balis: What did you do?
Mr. Rozzi: I got out. I just climbed out of the car and stood there while she peeled off, leaving me to breathe the dust cloud she left behind. So I was standing there, thinking: "Now what?" And then I realized that I was holding onto her little pouch thing--that's where she keeps her money, her dope, and her driver's license. Anyway, I had it in my hand, and she just left me there in the dirt. I had to laugh out loud; it was just too funny!
Dr. Balis: How did you get home?
Mr. Rozzi: She left me on one of those turnouts along Devil's Slide. Have you ever been there?
Dr. Balis: I've gone that route when I drove to Half Moon Bay. That's a long walk home.
Mr. Rozzi: That's where she left me, the little bitch. But I had the last laugh, though. She didn't even think, she just acted. Sounds familiar? It's just like something I would do. Stupid, huh? So I dumped it all. I dumped everything but the cash, the cash I gave to this nice couple I met on the beach. I stood there paralyzed for a few minutes, and then I climbed down the rocks. I saw some people down there throwing a Frisbee. They were nude, and I wanted to get a closer look. I met these two guys--one young and one old, about your age I guess. They were lying in the sun and playing Frisbee and stuff. And that old dude just talked and talked, but it was interesting stuff. He just went on and on. They gave me a ride home. The old guy kept trying to hit on me. They were both gay, so we had a lot in common there. Yeah, that old dude was such a trip! The old pervert.
Dr. Balis: Hmm.
Mr. Rozzi: It was an interesting experience, to put it mildly! Regina called me later to ask for her stuff back--that bitch has balls, you know? She tossed me out like that and then expected that I would keep her shit and give it back to her. Ha! I told her that, too. She got just what she dished.
Dr. Balis: Well, I'm glad you were able to get a ride home safely.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah. That was pretty nice of them. I stayed on the beach with them for a couple of hours; they even shared their food with me. I gave the younger guy my number, he gave me his business card. He owns some sort of candy shop on the Peninsula. Maybe we'll talk again, I don't know. Anyway, enough of that. So Luke did a complete turn around with me again, I can hardly believe it still.
Dr. Balis: What do you mean?
Mr. Rozzi: I don't know if I want to overanalyze it, but basically he decided to forgive me. He came over to the house one night last week and told me that he was impressed by the concern I showed for him, by the way I got his landlord to get in and take care of his cat--he forgot about the cat. And he said he was surprised by my nerve to open his phone bill and get his sister's number and by all that stuff that went on after we thought he had disappeared. He said all this left an impression on him. He said it made him think about how much I cared about him. I told him about my horror show fantasies--the chain saws and switchblade fingernails I envisioned. He laughed so much. He said that he hadn't felt like laughing for some time, you know with his dad and all. But we sort of made up, I guess.
Dr. Balis: Congratulations. I think it's a good thing.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, for the most part, we are back together. We went out on Thursday night to The Box, and we danced until they closed it at six in the morning. We didn't have sex. Then the next night, we went over to The Cafe and danced some more. But still we didn't have sex. Did I mention that we didn't have sex?
Dr. Balis: Are you trying to say that you had no sex?
Mr. Rozzi: You're a funny guy! Yeah, we had no sex. Hey! That sounded like that stupid song, "Yes, we have no bananas."
Dr. Balis: Did you want to have sex?
Mr. Rozzi: No! No! No! Remember? I told you before I don't want to do that right now. I'm's too...uh, it's confusing right now. Yeah, that's it, confusing.
Dr. Balis: I see.
Mr. Rozzi: There's nothing wrong with that, is there?
Dr. Balis: No, not at all.
Mr. Rozzi: Then why do you say it like that--with your hand up to your chin that way?
Dr. Balis: Alex, to have sex or not to have sex is your choice. I think you made a good choice for now, while you're sorting things out. I was thinking about your progress thus far. This is an important step for you, Alex. This is a very mature decision on your part.
Mr. Rozzi: Well...uh, hmm...yeah, you kind of left me with nothing to say. I'm sort of lost for words or something, I guess. Well, I did explain to Luke what was up with all that, and he wasn't into it either, right now. So it worked out for both of us just fine. But it wasn't like I didn't get turned on when he touched me, but...well, I don't need the...I don't know. I just don't need the bullshit that comes along with sex right now. Beyond and before Cami, the issue was Benny and Joe, but mostly Benny. You know, after I wrote him that letter a few months ago, I thought that I would see things differently, and I did. But it still haunts me, sort of.
Dr. Balis: Tell me about it.
Mr. Rozzi: I don't know. It's just that I've been thinking about all the lies--lies that were made to Dora about what we were about, Benny and me. I get it all mixed up with the good stuff, the times we shared that were tender and the little day trips we used to take. I remember feeling mixed up most of the time.
Dr. Balis: Tell me more about what it was that made you feel mixed up?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, if he really truly cared about me, then why was he with her, having a baby? And why did he run me around like that, tricking me out? And I did it, too! How could he do those things? How could I have gone along with it all?
Dr. Balis: Alex, this is going to sound a little harsh, perhaps, but I believe that Benny was a sociopath. He was a man who had the ability to live several lives. He was a skilled liar. He was married and apparently committed to his wife, Dora. But he also had a relationship of sorts with you and, perhaps, with a number of other children. I don't need to remind you of the young boy he abused. You were a child, Alex. You didn't know any better. Try to remember that.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah. I know, but I don't know. And it bugs me, more often than not. It's always back there whispering in my ear or playing a little picture thing in my mind. Oh yeah! I told you he got sentenced, right?
Dr. Balis: No, I don't think so. I'd been wondering what the outcome was.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, he didn't get very much time, as far as I'm concerned. He got only seven years. Can you believe that? And that's minus the time he spent in jail waiting for the trial to start. Plus, he could be out in three, maybe four years, if he lives that long. They don't like child molesters in prisons you know. I think he was sent to San Luis Obispo. So now, I'm over it--been there and done that, thank you very much! Fuck me! But when he gets out, no matter where he goes, he'll be a registered sex offender or a registered child molester, whatever. Either way, he'll get a scarlet letter pinned to his chest.
Dr. Balis: Well, maybe this can be the beginning of the end of that chapter in your life.
Mr. Rozzi: I did feel sort of relieved when I heard he was sentenced. Oh well, it's time to move on. Have you ever heard of this thing? It's like a twelve-step program called Rational Recovery, I think?
Dr. Balis: Yes, why do you ask?
Mr. Rozzi: Are they legitimate?
Dr. Balis: Yes, they are. Why are you asking about them?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, it's Tony. He goes to those meetings they have. I've been kind of worried about him. I think he might have a relapse. He's been smoking pot again--that's sort of my fault, you know. But since I've stopped smoking, he's been trying hard to convince me that smoking isn't using. He's supposed to be clean and sober. So I was thinking this Rational Recovery thing is bullshit. Is that what they do, rationalize smoking dope as opposed to snorting crank or something?
Dr. Balis: I can assure you that Rational Recovery doesn't rationalize smoking marijuana as being somehow not drug use, Alex. It sounds to me like Tony might be in denial about his drug use. He's trying to trivialize it.
Mr. Rozzi: I'll say. He wants me to go to a meeting with him so I can see for myself what it's all about. I told him that he better stay away from that shit or I'd be out of there, you know? But maybe I'll join him for a meeting, what do you think?
Dr. Balis: I think it's a good idea. That way you can see for yourself, and you may find it very interesting, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah. We'll see. Oh, by the way, this Saturday is my mom's wedding. They're getting married at Saint Mary's on Cathedral Hill. The reception is at the California Culinary Academy. It's going to be quite a party--big and real fancy with relatives from all over. There'll be people I haven't ever met or knew existed. There'll be Mark's relatives, my cousins, and some older people, aunts and uncles, everyone. You ought to crash it, dude.
Dr. Balis: Well, that's not my style, Alex. It wouldn't be professional of me to be involved with my patients on that level.
Mr. Rozzi: You old stick! Oh well, you know where the action is going to be. Hey! My cousin Rosemarie will be there. I'd bet you and her would get along great. And she's pretty damn fine, too. It sort of runs in the family, you know.
Dr. Balis: I see. Thanks, but I really must decline, Alex. Now, we're over our time. I'll see you again next week.
Mr. Rozzi: All right, dude. Talk to you later!
Dr. Balis: Goodbye, Alex.
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