Transcript of 49th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alex Rozzi, Wednesday, June 10, 1998 at 5:00 pm.

Dr. Balis: Hello, Alex. How are you this week?
Mr. Rozzi: Hey, man. I'm all right.
Dr. Balis: Is there something wrong?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, yes. No. I mean, yes. Uh, I don't know. It's been one of those weeks, you know?
Dr. Balis: Tell me what's going on, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I guess we can start with Benny. The other day, I was working on Ralph's car and I came across some pictures of Benny and me. They were taken a couple of years ago, when I was in love with least it was when I thought I was in love with him. The pictures just fell out of the toolbox, and I...uh, I don't know...
Dr. Balis: Those pictures brought up some difficult feelings?
Mr. Rozzi: That's putting it mildly! Difficult, it was more like unbearable! The pictures were taken at the Dore Alley Street fair, and we were all done up in our leather and everything.
Dr. Balis: Dore Alley?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah. You haven't heard of it before? Wow! What rock have you been living under, Doc? Dore Alley. You really don't know what it is? Ha! Well, let me be the first to tell you about it. But when you realize that you're jaded, don't blame me.
Dr. Balis: I won't.
Mr. Rozzi: It's the big event of the leather and S&M community here in The City. It's the precursor to the Folsom Street fair, but it's not so tourist-oriented. It's for the hardcore people--people in leather and latex, naked people, people getting golden showers, and people getting flogged. It's a real mind blowing experience. Tony and I were talking about going this year, but...well, now that he's all occupied with that Sharon person...well, I don't know if he'll ever have any time for me.
Dr. Balis: So Tony is spending a lot of time with this woman?
Mr. Rozzi: A lot of time? No, all of his time. He doesn't return my calls. And when I finally reach him, he's always busy doing something with her. Somehow, she is taking my place, and I'm not sure what to do about it...or if there is anything I can do about it. Plus, with all the pot smoking he's doing...well, I don't know that I want to be around that. I'm already down enough. I don't need that shit to drag me even further down.
Dr. Balis: That's a wise choice, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah? So where were we?
Dr. Balis: Benny, I believe.
Mr. Rozzi: Right. So anyway, I suddenly had these pictures in front of me, and I was thinking about him--about the things I did with him. What a liar, what a heal! I went for it, too. He had me wrapped so tightly around his little world that I never thought to really look at what was really happening, you know? I wasn't paying attention to what was going on. I'm so mixed up about him. I wish I hadn't seen those pictures. I wish I had thrown them away, but I forgot they even existed. Shit! I...uh, it's just
Dr. Balis: It's okay, Alex. Here are some tissues.
Mr. Rozzi: Fuck! I'm such a little pussy sweater boy sometimes, you know? Why can't I get over this already? Why does he have to keep popping up? And do you know what else happened? I was with Ralph, he had to get some papers at his club. I was waiting in the car outside, when this guy, Ryan, walked up. Ryan was one of Benny's friends, sort of. They did their "business" shit together. Anyway, he saw me, came over to the car, and asked me what I was up to. Well, I knew he was trying to do--like always, he just came right out and told me that he had a "job" for me if I was interested. Well, I knew what that meant, and I wasn't about to go there. So I climbed out of the car and stood up to him. He stepped back a little--it's been a while since he saw me. And I just said, "You got a job for me, huh? Well, chew on this, dude!" And I grabbed myself like this, and he just sort of stood there like he thought I was joking with him or something. And I was all, "Fuck you, dude. I'm not into that shit anymore!" Just then, Ralph came out of the club and got into the car. So, I climbed back into the car, and that guy was sort of standing there, stunned, not knowing what to do or say. He didn't expect me to be like that I guess. We just drove away after that.
Dr. Balis: How did that made you feel?
Mr. Rozzi: Like shit. Like total fucking trash, you know? It reminded me of the things I used to do--tricking out and shit. And I liked it, too. At least I thought I was having fun with it, but I wasn't really. Inside, I felt like I was being used, which I was. But all the attention I got was better than what I was getting at home, I guess. I don't know. I'm not making any sense, I know.
Dr. Balis: You're making sense, Alex. It makes sense that you enjoyed the attention. As wrong as it was, you were getting some attention. Every child needs and craves attention. Your mother wasn't there for you.
Mr. Rozzi: I'll second that. Shit! I'll third that, too! The other night, I was over at the house, and Mark was showing his pictures to Racyl and Rhea and me. He was telling stories about the first time each of them walked and talked, shit like that. Well, I remember the things my...uh, my grandmother used to tell me. I remember...ah, shit! Here we go again. Dammit!
Dr. Balis: It's okay, Alex. Just take a moment.
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I looked up and away from Mark. I was thinking about my grandmother, and for a second, my eyes locked onto my mother's eyes--she was looking at me with this vacant stare. Well, it struck me right there--there is no one left who remembers when I took my first step or said my first word. She doesn't remember, she wasn't even there. And the look on her face told me that she was thinking the very same thing I was thinking. She wasn't there to remember stuff like that. How am I supposed to feel about that?
Dr. Balis: How do you feel about it?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I feel alone, so totally fucking alone. The people that cared enough about me to raise me...well, they all abandoned me. They're gone. And I'm stuck with her--the woman with no memory of me. She better not fuck things up with little Aaron, you know? She just didn't care enough about me to be there, to be my mother. And now...well, it's too late now. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm mad. I'm pissed that my grandmother is gone. Sometimes, I still dream about her, about how she treated me, and about the things we used to do together, stuff like that. Usually, when I wake up from having a dream about her, I wake up crying. But I get through it, you know? Still, it bothers me. Sometimes, I think it always will bother me. I miss her. Every day, I still miss her.
Dr. Balis: It's normal to miss someone you loved. And you may be right; you may find that you will always miss her. That pain will vary, sometimes less depending upon the memory and your state of mind at the time. But the thing to remember is that you will always have her with you. As long as you have your memories, she will always be alive.
Mr. Rozzi: Just like Benny.
Dr. Balis: Hmm?
Mr. Rozzi: Just like Benny. I miss him too, sometimes. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's true. Sometimes, I miss him. And sometimes, I hate him. And sometimes, I want to hit my head and forget about him. But it will never be that easy. With my luck, I'd hit my head and forget everything but him! The bastard! And if Luke knew how I felt about this, I don't know how he'd react, you know? It would probably mess his shit up. Do you think I should tell him?
Dr. Balis: What do you think?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, I'm not comfortable telling him about everything yet, not so soon after we got back together.
Dr. Balis: You don't have to share everything with Luke, at least not yet. I think for now, this can remain between you and I.
Mr. Rozzi: I just hate keeping any secrets, you know? I always hated it when someone did that to me. I already have a big secret to hide from him.
Dr. Balis: Oh?
Mr. Rozzi: You know about it. The triangle: Regina, Cami, and I. Cami's been on my mind a lot lately, too. Since school let out, I had more time to spend at the Alliance and, naturally, I get to see her there all the time now. Luckily, Regina isn't coming back. She had it out with Josh, and I guess he told her not to come back anymore. So Cami is heavy on my mind lately, especially after what she told me: she wants to be with me. Well, that affected me so much that I even dreamt about her a few times. In one of the dreams, she told me she was pregnant with my child. I was totally freaking out. And if Luke knew the truth, he'd have a coronary like his dad.
Dr. Balis: But you told me that he knows what happened.
Mr. Rozzi: To a point, yes. He saw the scratches.
Dr. Balis: They're healing up nicely, by the way.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, they are. And my thumb is much better, too. It's not as itchy as it was. Luke knows that Regina attacked me, that much I told him. But I sort of let him believe that she did it out of anger over what came down between Cami and I at my studio. I haven't told him that Cami said she wants to be with me or that she has broken up with Regina.
Dr. Balis: Don't you think he's going to figure it out? Maybe it's better if you told him yourself?
Mr. Rozzi: I know. It's just that I don't know how to tell him.
Dr. Balis: Alex, you haven't done anything wrong. Cami simply made her feelings known to you. You aren't at fault.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, but if Luke finds out, he won't want me to go to the Alliance anymore. He'll get worried that something may happen again. I don't know how secure he really is with any of that, even though he made some jokes about it.
Dr. Balis: I would encourage you to tell him. It will ease that burden for you, and you'll be surprised how he might respond. Just be certain to assure him that you have this under control and that nothing can or will happen at the Alliance.
Mr. Rozzi: But can I really do that? Can I really control it? She's been going out of her way to be nice to me--she's all smiles. It's not flirting so much as it is being a little friendlier than normal people are to me. Oh, I don't know. I'll think on this some more. How do I get myself into these messes? I'm so confused about her...about him...I mean about Benny. Ever since that thing that I told you about with my mom and me and the eye thing, I'm constantly thinking about my mom, and my family, and stuff.
Dr. Balis: We need to spend more time talking about these feelings. It's good to say it out loud, Alex, to let some of the build-up emotions out. And again, I would encourage you to talk about this not only with me, but with others who care about you like Ralph and Katherine.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I know. But Katherine is going away. I'm kind of bummed because I haven't been seeing her as much these days. She's working on so many projects. The Arts Alliance is only one of them. And now she's talking about going on a trip to Alaska. Who wants to go there? It's cold like all the time there. Burr! Ralph is okay to talk to, but he's got his own shit, too. So we trade shit stories sometimes. Oh, well, I guess we're running over time again.
Dr. Balis: We are a little, but it's okay sometimes. You are my last appointment for the day. Well, I'll see you next week. And please call me, if you need anything, okay?
Mr. Rozzi: Okay. Thanks, dude. I do kind of feel better now than when I first came in.
Dr. Balis: I'm glad to hear that.
Mr. Rozzi: Thanks again, man.
Dr. Balis: Goodbye, Alex.
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