Transcript of 50th Session between Charles Balis, M.D. and Mr. Alex Rozzi, Wednesday, June 17, 1998 at 5:00 pm.

Dr. Balis: Alex? What is it? What's wrong?
Mr. Rozzi: It''s...uh, it's Darla, my rat. I took...uh, I just left her at the veterinarian. She's been real sick lately, and the doctor thinks...uh, he thinks that she might have been...she might have been poisoned.
Dr. Balis: Oh Alex. I'm sorry that she's sick. Why does the doctor think she was poisoned?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, that's what I'd like to know. She hasn't been right for the past week or two. And then all of a sudden, she swelled up like a balloon, and she was all foaming and...uh, you should have seen how pathetic she looked. She might die, and I can't believe it! I don't know but it might be...I think that Regina did it. I think she may have fed her something when she tore up my art studio. But that was a few weeks back, and it's hard for me to believe that it would've taken so long for Darla to get sick like that. I don't know. But if it turns out that she's poisoned her, I'm going to kill Regina, you know?
Dr. Balis: Well, try not to jump to any conclusions, Alex. Like you said, the break-in was several weeks ago...
Mr. Rozzi: So? She could have done something to her then, she could've!
Dr. Balis: I think you need to wait until the doctor looks Darla over. Wait until you hear what he has to say before you convict Regina.
Mr. Rozzi: If it turns out that she did...oh fuck! I can't believe this, you know? I just can't fucking believe this. Darla is still young for a rat, and now she's acting like she's got Mad Cow Disease or, Mad Rat Disease. Dammit! I'm going back over to the vet's tonight to see how she's doing.
Dr. Balis: I hope she'll be okay, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Me too. And Regina better hope the same thing, too. I swear, I'll kill her if anything happens to my little Darla.
Dr. Balis: Alex, I'd like to be certain that you're not really going to do anything to Regina...
Mr. Rozzi: Do you mean like kill her?
Dr. Balis: Would you really hurt Regina?
Mr. Rozzi: No, I'm just going to make her suffer, like Darla is suffering now.
Dr. Balis: Can I remind you that you don't even know for a fact that Regina had anything to do with Darla's illness?
Mr. Rozzi: She is responsible. I know she is. And I'll make her pay, the little bitch, I swear I will. Women are really starting to bug me! Here I have Regina--hell's daughter. And then there's Sharon--little miss move in and take over--and she's do I put it? Odd. Yeah, that's it, Sharon's odd.
Dr. Balis: Why do you say that?
Mr. Rozzi: Well, like I've told you before, she sort of has taken my place with Tony. He seems to spend every waking moment with her. He doesn't return phone calls and then...well, fuck! I can't stand it anymore! Oh! It just burns me up, what she's doing...what she's done to Tony, to me. The other day, I was tired of not being able to reach him. I always get his machine. So I decided to just go over there. Well, big mistake!
Dr. Balis: What happened when you went there?
Mr. Rozzi: Oh nothing, really. I just went up to the door, and I could smell the smoke outside. If the cops ever walked up there, Tony would be busted without a chance. It totally reeked! I went to knock on the door, and I heard these noises--giggling and snorting or something--coming from inside. Anyway, I walked around and looked inside. And guess what I found? Go ahead, guess.
Dr. Balis: Alex...
Mr. Rozzi: You can't figure it out? Well, think "Alex and Cami." Bingo! Your face tells all. Well, imagine what I thought. Jeez! There they were, the two of them, wrapped around each other, sucking their tongues out, totally going for it, licking each other's tonsils and shit. I mean gross! Now I know what Luke felt like.
Dr. Balis: But you're not Tony's boyfriend.
Mr. Rozzi: Good point. I was thinking of how I can get rid of that bitch. What can I do to make her just go away? And do you know what came to my mind, to my pointy little head? I thought I should just throw myself at him, make him want me. And then I can seduce him and get him away from her. That would make him get rid of her. Bitch, be gone! What a warped fucker I am, you know?
Dr. Balis: Somehow, I can't see you doing something like that.
Mr. Rozzi: You can't? Well aren't you the innocent one. You forget what I used to do for a living. Tricking was no problem for me.
Dr. Balis: Maybe it wasn't then...
Mr. Rozzi: Oh! I get it. You think I've lost my nerve? Think again. I can do it again..well, I can! Why are you looking at me like that?
Dr. Balis: Because I distinctly remember a conversation we just recently had about this very topic.
Mr. Rozzi: And?
Dr. Balis: You described to me how you told Benny's friend that you weren't into doing tricks anymore. I believe you described yourself as making an obscene gesture and swearing at him for suggesting a possible job for you. And you told me that while at the time you thought you were having fun with it, you really felt used by the men you worked for.
Mr. Rozzi: Pretty screwed up, aren't I? It's's...uh...
Dr. Balis: Here, Alex, here's a tissue. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, I know how difficult it is for you. But I had to remind you...
Mr. Rozzi: What? Remind me what?
Dr. Balis: It wasn't your fault.
Mr. Rozzi: That's easy for you to say.
Dr. Balis: It wasn't your fault, Alex.
Mr. Rozzi: Benny really warped the fuck out of me, huh? The other day, the day before Luke left for New York, we were getting all heavy and hot, but...but felt all wrong. It was like I wasn't interested in sex. It was like I was almost repulsed by it or something, but at the same time I craved it. I craved Luke, but couldn't do it with him. Does that make sense?
Dr. Balis: These feelings are common among survivors of sexual abuse and people who were sexualized at an early age. Benny betrayed your trust and took advantage of you. You were craving attention, and your body responded to him. It wasn't your fault, Alex. Benny taught you to express your need for human attention and love through sex.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, well...Luke and I did it anyway.
Dr. Balis: And how did you feel after that?
Mr. Rozzi: Hmm? I don't know. Now that I think about it, it felt good, I guess. But it felt like I was seeing it from above, like I wasn't really there with him. It was kind of weird, huh?
Dr. Balis: You detached yourself from the situation.
Mr. Rozzi: Huh?
Dr. Balis: Detaching oneself from action is a way of escaping the situation. By trying not to be there, you were protecting yourself. You probably did the same thing while you were tricking.
Mr. Rozzi: I think you might be right. It always felt so...I don't know, not real. I'm not the kind of person who just likes to have sex with everybody, like most guys do. Guys I know--straight or gay, it doesn't matter--have sex with anyone who is willing just for the sake of getting off. And to me that's totally sick. It always was, I guess. It always was...
Dr. Balis: Alex?
Mr. Rozzi: Hmm? Oh! I was just thinking. I wonder if girls are like that, too? Take this Sharon person. I wonder if she is just trying to prove she can seduce a gay guy. Some women are like that you know--they like the challenge. Take Cami, for instance.
Dr. Balis: Do you think that's what she is trying to do?
Mr. Rozzi: Probably. I don't know. Shit! She's so nice to me now, all the time. She even finagled her way into my project at the Alliance. That was supposed to be my project. Mine. And she went and wiled her way in. And then she was all nice and sweet. And it wasn't like it was an act or something. Oh, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. But it's not like I can send her away or anything. She's just there now, all the fucking time. Why are women like that? Why are they so manipulative? Guys don't play games and shit like that, you know?
Dr. Balis: Alex, not all women are like that, and not all men are out to simply get off, as you say. Most people are good and honest. And most are not out to take advantage of you either. Most people want the same things--to be loved, to be respected, to have peace...
Mr. Rozzi: So what are you trying to say? Hmm?
Dr. Balis: The world isn't so black and white. Even though some people have hurt you in the past, most people aren't really bad and I think you know that. Think about Ralph, for example. He took you in and he cares about you. But originally, he was one of your tricks. And Katherine and Luke...
Mr. Rozzi: Okay, all right. You're making me ill with all this niceness. I get your point, but it's hard to see it, most of the time, lately...
Dr. Balis: I understand. But I think you've done remarkably well. Take notice of your accomplishments. When you start to get yourself all worked up, just stop and look at where you are now as opposed to where you were just a year ago.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I know, but it's hard. I guess I need you to remind me sometimes.
Dr. Balis: I just did.
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, you did, didn't you? I don't know. What do I do now?
Dr. Balis: Are you asking me how you should deal with these conflicting feelings?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, that's it. That's what I mean.
Dr. Balis: I think you should keep talking about it. Let it out. Do you remember the "overflowing bucket" analogy?
Mr. Rozzi: Yeah, I do. And mine has been overflowing for a while now! Why can't I get amnesia or something? I know--that would be too easy.
Dr. Balis: Well, Alex, it looks like we're out of time. I hope Darla gets better.
Mr. Rozzi: Thanks. Me too. I am going to go back over to the vet's right now. See you later, man.
Dr. Balis: Goodbye, Alex. See you next week.
Mr. Rozzi: Later. And Doctor Balis?
Dr. Balis: Yes?
Mr. Rozzi: Thanks a lot, dude!
Dr. Balis: All right, Alex, take care. And call if you need to, okay?
Mr. Rozzi: Okay. I'm out of here, dude!
Arrow, Straight, Left, Earlier Arrow, Straight, Right, Later

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